advice from women who used donor eggs

[SHP]

I have two frozen embryos left of my own to try before I have to change to something else. I have been unsuccessful for so long.  I am 40 and trying to be real.  I am grieving over this being my last chance to have my own genetic child.  I made the decision to go to a donor egg if this didn't work.  I am not sure that I can afford it but I am investigating - at the very least mentally.  For those of you who have used a donor egg - did you feel any jealousy toward your husband over it being his genetic child and not yours?  Did you tell people that it was not your egg?  What did you or are you going to tell the child?  Just trying to learn and possibly prepare myself

Oh, did many of you have problems getting pregnant with donor eggs?

[lynda544]

Hi. I'm using a donor egg and currently 23 weeks pregnant. I have 2 biological boys so I feel no jealousy towards my husband over her being his genetic child and not mine. Two years ago my husband and I started the paperwork for international adoption. I assumed I was too old to have a baby. Surprisingly, I found myself pregnant at 45. After 7 weeks no fetal pole/heart beat developed so I had a D&C. My husband then suggested we visit a fertility M.D. We had no problems getting pregnant with a donor egg. It was a little expensive, but we found someone that looks a lot like me with similar values. After our first attempt at IVF (21 year olds egg) I was pregnant. Everything has gone fine.

Maybe because I was already open to adoption the donor egg path has been no problem for me. I LOVE children and I love being a Mom. I feel so blessed to have the baby growing inside me! She feels like part of me, and I feel no different than I did with the other two.

We chose not to tell anyone that we used a donor egg. We think we will tell her when the time is right. Perhaps when she starts asking the "where do babies come from" questions, we will begin the explanation.

Good luck to you. I have absolutely no regrets. For me, once it became real it seemed like it was meant to be.

[babyprayers]

hi I used donor eggs and am currently 24 weeks pregnant with twins, I am in upstate new york and I did a split cycle, what that means is one person donates her eggs to 2 people. 20 she had 28 eggs I got 14 and the other person got 14... The cost for me was 6200 dollars. 4200 down then the balance paid interest free over the next 12 months/ I too am 40 and my re told me only 15% chance of conception with my own eggs. I didnt even try it, didnt want that dissapointmetn. I do have one daughter biological whom is 10.. good luck to you hope things work out for you.  

[SHP]

Wow.  The cost here is $19,000 for a donor egg.

I guess that I wish that I could have had one child that was biologically mine.  Just to see what it would have all been like.  

I guess that I should blame my mother.  I looked like her and she looked like her mother.  She would always look at me and make sweet comments about how I had her eyes or pretty shoulders.  I grew up fantisizing about would my children keep any of our physical traits or talents.  My mother always understood me - she said that I was just like her.  Somewhere she planted these desires in my head and I have to get rid of them.  I realize that these things are not truly important but parents have great influence in our minds.

I want a baby.  I am just struggling with giving up my dream yet.  

I hate how people refer to some women as "not the biological mother".  I think that if you give birth to it - you are the mother.  I would be so tempted to never tell.  Is that wrong?  I guess because of the child you couldn't keep it a secret.  What are you going to tell your children?

sjh

[maybebaby29]

Not sure if my view helps or not but I'm adopted. I met my birth mom about 10 years ago. She wanted me to call her mom and I just couldn't. My adopted mom is the one who raised and sacrifice for me. I guess my point is that egg or no egg that is genetically yours, it's the person who raises you who is your mother. They are the ones who provide love, care, safety, worry, etc.

Why tell the kid that genetically he/she isn't yours? What good would it do? If you do tell them, I would phrase it with the least amount of detail as possible so they don't feel 'responsible guilt'. A lot of adoptees feel this way. I think telling them the science of why you did donor eggs as opposed to the emotional side would help.

Good luck.

[babyprayers]

come to new york for a vacation,. and go to cny fertility. you can go to their web site and it gives you all the info on the prices, you can also pick your donor, with pictures, and there is a whole history such as ethnic background, schooling other children etc...

I never ever thought I would have to go this route, I do have one daughter it took me three years to get pregnant with her, I have never had regular periods, maybe 5 a year, when I first started trying to have a baby with my 2nd husband, i was 5 years without a period, after going thru meds to start my period, blood work which all came back normal, and 6 intrauterine inseminations we thought long and hard about Ivf. intially my husband said no to donor eggs, he just felt if he could not have MY babies then he was perfectly fine with what he had. I did not feel the same way, and after much deliberation we opted to go with donor eggs, as i said above my chance of conception with my own eggs were so slim, I didnt have the money to do this 2 times., once those embryos were in my utereus, I cried, and said I love my babies already, even before I knew if they took or not... I truly believe that when you long for a child you can love any child,,, we thought about adoption as well, but DH was worried things would fall thru, ya know thinking ok our baby is on the way only to have the birth mom change her mind... I think if you went for donor eggs, you may find that this will be YOUR baby. regardless of DNA.... it is a tough choice to make, and I can only speak for myself when I say I am so glad I did.. ask me any questions at all, I am very open about this, although I didnt tell my MIL.. she is her own entity, long story for another time, both my parents are deceased, but everyone else I told, some have been supportive and others were like oh my god!!! ya know what, I look at it as I am bringing a baby into this world a perfect little being.. regardless of how it was done..  

[40smama]

I just had a baby almost three weeks ago due to donor eggs and I thank God everyday for the wonderful woman who made this child possible for dh and me.  I went this route because of my age (44 almost 45).  I don't feel jealous of my husband - in fact, I think he was jealous of me for getting to carry Noah.  My dh phrased it this way:  he said I have more influence on this child than anyone (he thinks I'm a little dominant??).

I've decided at the appropriate time to tell Noah about using donor eggs because his siblings already know.  In fact, the baby looks almost identical to one of his sister's baby pics.  Telling the child is a personal decision - either you tell nobody or be ready to tell the child even if only one person knows.

The cost for donation at our clinic was $16,000 including meds.  We got a $1,000 discount if we paid w/cash upfront.  We had to borrow the money but oh so worth it!!  Also, I was much like Lynda44 - I think I was open to donor egg route because we were seriously considering adoption.

Good luck w/your decision.  If I may, let me also say that if you have any doubts at all about doing this, my advice is to wait until you're completely comfortable w/going this route.  With me, we went through IVF once & when it didn't work, I didn't even hesitate to go the donor egg route.  

[LisaRG]

My RE told me that even with Donor eggs the baby is considered biologically yours.
The egg itself is someone else's, but your body supplies the blood which means the baby has YOUR blood not to mention your placenta.

[SHP]

Thank you so much for sharing.  All of your stories touched me.  I know it will be ok.  I am going to try my embryos in 2 months but I know that they will not do well.  

I don't know if I want to tell anyone. I am the most open person.  I tell everything on myself - never a secret about me.  I just don't think that I want anyone to know.  Thanks for making me feel like I don't have to tell.  I am not embarrassed to try for me.  I just don't want people talking about my child.

Thank you all again.

[kiaragirl]

Nope...would never tell!!

[astrocat88]

I really don't understand how people "don't tell".  It is a fact that the baby is from a donor ovule and thank goodness for donors!  How can anyone go through life not telling anyone about this.  I'm not talking about the woman at the supermarket that says"ah!  what a cute baby" but your parents, best friend, etc.  And, eventually telling the child.  Why must it be such a dark, unspoken secret?  What is "wrong" with using donor ovules?  Will the child stop loving the Mom who tells him/her, "honey, you are not a product of my ovules?".   I read on some site about Spirit.  The child spirit you were meant to have is thanks to another woman's ovules.  If it weren't for this other women, you wouldn't even have the child!  I feel that we need to give thankful joy to ovule donor women and tell people how wonderful this opportunity is for women who cannot use their ovules; not treat it like something "taboo".   I think we are going through the same acceptance phases of adoption.  Adoption, so long ago, was taboo, but now it is so accepted that people adopt children with other ethnic backgrounds!   We are still not at a point where saying "my child was conceived through donor ovules" is acceptable but it will most certainly be universally acceptable one day very soon!

[lanlan82]

Hi people!!!
WOW $19,000??? It's cheaper come to Brazil and do it here. I'm about to do an IVF and I will be an eggdonor. Here is about $4,500 for an egg receiver.

[tmm0172]

.

[kissykat]

im 44 and am pregnant with a donor egg.
i am 11weeks pregnant, today was my last shot of progesterone so im a bit anxious.
my husband and i told 4 ppl  ur baby is from a donor.
I think its a great gift and want to tell the world but many ppl don't understand what it is and I don't want my child being made fun of,ppl can be cruel and I want to protect my child before it is born and after.
My best friend had a baby using egg donor,I know at least 2 other ppl as well.I am only 11weeks pregnant but want to hug n kiss and thank my donor,wish i could meet her and become best friends...
It was very expensive,had to remorgtage apt..cost us in total with drugs and w used an out of state donor...over 38 thousand. I pray every day, and all my friends are praying too. Hope for best.Hope the best for all of you too!

[ababy4us]

thanks for every ones honesty...we will use a donors eggs at the end of the month.i had started a journel for my unborn child starting w/ our choice of trying ivf ,to it failing and weighing out adoption or a donor egg..i just want them to know how much they were wanted!.its so nice to hear every ones stories,expecially because a child came out of all of it!!

[Nash0930]

I was in my late 30's when I met my husband to be.  Got married at 39. We both knew we wanted children so we got started right away.  After 2 years trying on our own we decided to try a fertility Dr. and use my eggs.  The 1st IVF got pregnant, but misscarried.  IVF #2  got pregnant again, this time no heart beat Dr. did DNC and chromsome testing on fetus.  It looked like our only option was to either adopt or egg donor.  Trust me, I had so many thoughts flying through my head before I made the decision of egg donor.  I would randomly ask my husband silly questions just to see how he'd answer them.  My husband said he even morned the loss of my eggs.  My husband has such strong features that even if it was my egg our child would still end up looking like him.  But he did say that if she's a girl she'll pick up on all my characteristic and be a mini-me.  I really wanted to give my husband a child and I wanted to experience pregnancy, so the 3rd IVF was with a donor egg.  I'm 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant.   You just have to remember to morn the loss of your eggs...once your past that you'll be fine.  Just like the other gal said, your blood is pumping through your child and keeping them alive, plus you get to carry this beautiful gift from god...how more awesome is that.  We do plan on telling our child.  There are books out there to help you with that process when you reach it.  I'm so thankful to our egg donor, for going through the process she did to give us a child.  My HCG is so much higher than the other pregnancies I had.  We go for our first ultrasound on the 17th.

[Kricket212]

Loved reading these posts. I understand they are from last year but they gave me some comfort. I thought I would bump incase anyone else in this siutation would like to read.  

[Allip77]

I'm glad you got this post going.  It was really interesting to read people's stories.  I have all the same questions as the original poster, the only difference being that I had frozen embryos with donor sperm from before I met my husband.  

After a year of ttc at 42 years old, we ultimately decided to use those embryos and now I'm just barely pregnant.  I'm kind of freaking out about what to tell the child and whether to tell others.  I feel it is the child's right to know, so we're definitely going to tell the child, but it grieves me already to think about how the child might feel about this, whether he/she will be teased and made to feel different, etc.  From everything I've read it's best to tell the child early (3-5 years old) so he/she never has an aha moment.   I want to learn how I can protect my child AND still tell him/her.

I'd love to hear others' thoughts (current).

[SHP]

I made the first post with all of the questions a year and a half ago.  At that time I had done two IVF's with my eggs and had two left.  I had a FSH of 14.8 and the RE was not hopeful.  My mother passed away in 2009 and I transferred my last two embryos a few months later.  I don't know why I did it so quickly.  I was in grief and still under great stress going through her things and settling her estate.  They failed.  I had to take a break for a while.  

My husband told me this year that we could choose between DE or Adoption but all of these years of IUI and IVF had left us strapped.  I chose not to go back to work full time.  My mother had died of cancer - ovarian of all things and I was trying to de-stress.  I made the decision for DE and we set the date.

My donor has two children and has donated once before.  I have been told that twins are on the way.  As soon as she could donate again we got the ball rolling.  I only know her age, ACT score and hobbies.  I have been told that we have the same eye color and hair color and some resemblance.  

The advice that I was given above was correct.  Once you get past deciding to do it and let yourself grieve - you are really ok with it.  I am not telling ANYONE right now.  It is no one's business.  I believe that I will tell the child and hope that I can do it in a way that is a healthy way.  I have years to worry about that.  If the child spills the beans then so be it.  But for now - I don't want the two cents from friends and family.  I don't want this to be all that they obsess about - and mine would.  The path of loss that I took to get here was painful and I don't need to explain myself.

My transfer was yesterday.  Two good looking embryos from a 27 year old donor.  I am worried - i have just been through so much.  I know the odds are high but I am keeping my heart guarded.  I would love twins but I am not wanting to be greedy.  One healthy baby!  

Cross your fingers for me.  

SHP

[Allip77]

Thanks for the update!  It's so amazing to see how far you have come after a year and a half. You will have your baby(ies) soon!  I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother.
I just wanted to say that you may be surprised at how your family would react to a donor egg. I come from an incredibly traditional family in the South and absolutely was worried about how they would feel about a donor. I ended up being completely wrong!  They know how much we wanted a second child and are sonexcited that I'm pregnant. I have only told my immediate family because I'm going to wait until I get the CVS results before telling the rest of my family and friends. We have decided to tell our families and the child but not our friends. If our child one day tells our friends, we think by that point it won't matter. We don't want them gossiping now but once the child is here, it just doesn't seem like we will be concerned about that. We certainly aren't worried that our friends will wonder why we " deceived" them; if they asked we would tell them we felt it was ours and our child's personal business and we wanted to leave it up to the child to tell. I think they would definitely understand why we dissent tell them from the beginning.

Best of luck to you. Just try to relax as much as possible until your beta!  And think about how lucky you are to have a baby on the way!

[tamtam305]

Hi Lady's
I think a donor egg or not you guys are great and if you decide to tell the child he/she wont worry i dont think, my view is you have given them life and even though u have use a donor egg they r still all gifts from the big man himself. its a wonderful thing and its a credit to u all. I was going to be a donor but just didnt know how it works.
best of luck Tamtam

[Jennie1211]

This has been a really interesting thread. I'm sort of on the other side of the coin in that I did IVF, have become pregnant, and, if successful, this will be our last attempt, due both to age and finances. Our situation is such that I have 11 very high grade embryos left which I really don't want destroyed, though due to our ages, I doubt any clinic would want them other than for medical science. We'd prefer that someone else have them, and I even have an acquaintance in mind who lives across the country who I know would desperately want them. The question we have been asking ourselves is, if we ended up donating and that person ends up pregnant, do we ever tell our own child that there is someone else in the world with their genetics? We've got a long way to go before we have to make this kind of decision, but it's one my husband and I go back and forth on.

[Kricket212]

I would advise you to keep those embryos until you give birth.  I know you mentioned they are HIGH Quality, but many women our age have been told the same thing only to have it not work out.  I pray it does for you.  Keep us posted on your pregnancy.

[Jennie1211]

I absolutely, totally agree...it would be something we would not consider doing until at least a year or so after I give birth (fingers crossed!) You are very right though....I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I know the reality for ladies my age, depressing as it is! Good advice...

[Disp911so]

I'm also in Upstate NY (like Canadian border upstate) I am going to try one more cycle to see about using my own eggs for IVF, but if it doesn't look good, we have a possible donor in mind. I was just wondering what clinic you went to. We looked at Fertility clinics here in the US and did use one for 3 unsuccessful IUI's, but all the US clinics are very expensive. We have changed to the Montreal Fertility Clinic and found it to be much cheaper. On our last visit, the RE suggested the possibility of using donor eggs as an option. If you're as far up north as I am, maybe we could meet. It would be nice to have someone close by to go through this with.