Giving up hope & Extremely, Extremely Depressed

[shuga1109]

Hello everyone.  Im 35 years old.  I had a miscarriage in February 2010.  My fiance and I have agreed to try again, but he doesn't feel like trying right now.  He was not as hurt or emotional as I was after our miscarriage, because he had been through it before, but doesn't seem to want to try at the moment.  He doesn't tell me why. He just wants to wait another year  Well, hello!  Im 35!  Its not going to get any easier to get pregnant.  When I get my period every month, I become extremely depressed and cry.  I so badly want this now & don't want to wait until I am older.  I am extremely depressed to the point that I am just giving up and angry that my fiance wants to wait.  HE NEVER sees me upset or crying.  I don't express to him how sad I am.  BUT, He does know, that I don't want to wait.  He definately wants us to have another child, so why wait?  I dont' get it.  Im now so angry, that I want to get my tubes tied.  The older i get, the more complicated pregnancy will be.  I don't want a baby with a disability.  Am I wrong?  He has a right not to want a baby right now, but I have a right not to want one later.

[mhv]

my husband didn't want to start trying right away either.  But, I was 35 when we got married!  We didn't Seriously start trying until I was 40... well, 3 years later, using donor eggs, and 1 miscarriage (that didn't seem to upset him at all)  we are still trying.  Unforseen issues came up, (uterine adhesions) have sidetracked our trying.  I guess my point is, you never know what "issues", roadblocks are going to pop up.  Please sit him down and talk to him.  You do not want to go into a marriage to a person you do not feel comfortable talking to.  Men cannot read our minds... as much as we thing we are portraying our feelings through our actions, or maybe we just think they "should know!"  They just need for us to tell them how we are feeling, although they might not understand, they need to know.
Good Luck, and I hope you start trying again soon!  I have a feeling that after you sit down and share some tears, you be back to ttc'ing before you know it!!

[usuk]

just to add that i have similar luck to the other ladies. only i did not mention it before because your real issue is the communication and not the procrastination. you guys need to talk about your feelings and your plans if you are 35 or 25.

but to add fuel to the fire, my DH is 5 years younger and from england so we lived together for years before marrying. most of my friends that got married in a hurry are now divorced with kids. we have an amazing marriage but no kids. i started TTC at 36 at now at 39 i've had 3 MCs. and after dozens of tests for me and a few for him, it comes down to my age.

[BeeHappy76]

I have had a similar experience as seattleview and I totally agree with her that this is one instance where you need to make your feelings and the statistics about things VERY clear to your fiance. This is not a time to keep your feelings to yourself and try not to rock the boat. Given the age issue it is getting to be a now or never situation, and maybe he just does not understand that.

I waited 7 yrs until my husband was ready, not wanting to push him into having kids. Now we have been trying for more than 3 and still do not have a baby (I have had 3 miscarriages). My husband thought we would have a very easy time because all family members had an easy time, but it has not worked out that way. Now he is just as sad as I am that we are having such a hard time, and I think he wishes just as I do that I had pushed him harder about starting to try sooner. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

[seattleview]

Men totally do NOT understand the age thing.  When my husband and I were engaged he told me didn't want to have kids until we were 40.  I was like, "um, are you serious?"  Well, it turns out he kind of was, because even though we've been married since we were 23, he wasn't ready to start trying until a couple years ago, when we were 32.  We TTC'd for 2.5 years and are now pregnant through IVF.  I know I will never know for sure, but my heart tells me if we had started earlier we wouldn't have had issues.  We have "unexplained infertility".  I think of it as "waiting too long infertility" and have a great amount of resentment toward my husband because of it.  You need to let your fiance see you cry.  It will help him understand how badly you want a baby.  Maybe you need to show him some statistics about how hard it is to get pregnant after 35, too.  I still don't think my husband believes age is a factor.  Only one of our friends even got pregnant at 30...most waited until 33, 35, etc. and as far we know no one but us had issues (of course, no one knows we had issues either, so maybe others are keeping the secret, too), so I think he assumes it's just as easy to get pregnant at any age.  Sorry for my ramble, but as you can tell, I'm still pretty upset with my husband for causing us to wait and it's just nice to be able to rant about it every once in a while since none of my friends or family know anything about it...Anyway, good luck to you.  I'm so sorry for your loss and hope your fiance will come around.

[amandamae1126]

usuk said it perfectly. I would def tell him how you are feeling and don't be afraid to cry. If it's real, then it needs to be expressed. My husband was not so upset about our miscarriage back in May, but when things started not going so well and I had to do the metho shot, he cried on the way to the appointment with me. It was so dumb, but I let him know that seeing him cry help ME heal. He said that he didn't want to put any more pressure on me or make me feel worse, so he was just playing cool about it. There is NO doubt that pregnancy and miscarriage are tougher on women than men, but we need to see some emotion out of them.

Maybe he's not ready, maybe he's scared, something is def going on with him. I would try to find a NON confrotational way to talk to him about it. If you just keep putting pressure on him to have a baby, it will get you no where (except maybe a broken relationship after an unwanted baby arrives - seen it happen so many times). Talking it out is so important - it can help you BOTH get the baby you want, in the time frame you are wanting.

He might know that you want a baby, but does he know how badly you want that right now? Does he understand the relationship between age and fertility? Do you pick up on any signs that he wants a baby? For some men, it's just not for them and you deserve to know that if that's what's going on with him.

Me and DH were not ready for a long time. Well, about 3 years ago I was ready and he wasn't. About 2 years ago he started pointing out other babies at the store/restraunt/where ever and I could tell he was ready. A simple "is it time?" answered my question...we've been baby dancing ever since!

On the other hand, I've seen two women at work that pressured their husbands into having babies when they are not ready (and the women were in their mid 30's). Their relationships failed quite quickly. Within a year or so they were all divorced.

The point is, TALK IT OUT. It can only help. And try not to point fingers...focus on understanding and reaching common grounds.

[usuk]

I am sorry about the miscarriage. Let me tell you that pregnancy loss puts you in a state of sheer panic. All you want to do is fill the hole in your heart and your body. The 2 of you need to talk. He may be acting non chalant to keep the pressure of you. Or he could be afraid. Or he could think he is the problem. Or he could be selfish/foolish. Until you talk you'll never know. Needless to say if you think he is a jerk deep down don't marry and don't get preg.  In the meantime you need to know if the cause is age related or not. Get tested. Him too. Good luck.