Off topic, but kind of related. Need advice

[scaredincanada]

It just seems like my day went from bad to extreme nightmare. My employers have been rather understanding and supportive thru this ordeal. My darling b/f (I would call him fiance, but at this time, do not feel comfortable wearing his ring) has been somewhat there, but tonight, after he consumed a grand portion of cold Canadian lager, informed me that he has no sympathy for me or what I am going thru, that this loss and my previous miscarriage is just karma working its way due to past bad judgement. (To give you an idea, we were apart due to some personal reasons 2 and a half years ago, found out I was pregnant, and induced a miscarriage). That incident happened over two years ago, and to this day, I still think of and feel that loss that I was responsible for. Maybe he is right, that I do not deserve the treatment that I have received as of late. Our arguement started over him misplacing a pack of cigarettes, and escalated to very hurtful words. Is he right? I am so sorry :,(

[scaredincanada]

Good morning anxious, I am from the stubble jumping province of Saskatchewan, although my roots lay in Alberta. (I am always asked "Why would an Alberta girl move to Saskatchewan"?

Later last night we had somewhat of a heart to heart - he is aware that he has a problem with alcohol but is not going to do anything about it, as his work hours will not allow him to attend AA metings, and although he does recall what was said to me the previous night, he claims that he did not mean a word he said, and he has no idea what happened for him to lash out at me. I blatantly told him my concerns - from his drinking to what type of lifestyle our child would have if one was to come into this relationship. He just shrugged, and asked not to talk about it anymore, as I was making him feel like an a##. He does not open up very well, not even to his mother.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Hi honey,

Sorry you are not doing so well.  Hang in there.  I think you sense you should not be with this man.  You don't even know him if he's an alcholic as you are only seeing the disease not who he really is.  I so hope he is able to get sober, but dont' put your life on hold waiting for that.

c

Where are you in Canada?  I am in Nova Scotia

[SNORCHY]

Please do not beat yourself up for past decisions. You are not getting punished, nor should you be being judged. You made the best decision you could at the time, and that's that. As long as you are okay with you, that's what really matters. It might be beneficial for you to have someone professioal to talk to...a therapist or counselor perhaps.
I hope you are doing okay!

[starymist]

sweets im right there with you. i feel sorry for what you have gone through and no your not being punished for things in the past. some times we do things with out thinking of the future and the out come.and we need to truely forgive ourselfs with all of our hearts,to heal and move on. how can any one else forgive us if we cant forgive ourselfs? i myself am trying to forgive myself for my lose, we all are. i know some of the men out there are careing but they will never truely understand. the joy and pain and sorrow we feel , because they cant feel what we feel.i wish you the best and im not saying what he did was wrong or right but maybe he is in pain in his heart still over the last baby as well, or maybe pain from guilt like maybe if you guys didnt break up would you have still stayed pg? and he dosent know how to talk about it. and he stikes out when he is drinking and gets angry my dh did. he even went as far as looking up other woman on myspace not to sleep with them but to have some one to talk to and find comfort in his own lose. i found out and confronted him we worked it out and i told him if he ever did it again id slap the brown off of him and rip the black off his head. and his mother agreed im telling ya theres nothing scaryer then a angry latino/ hispanic mother.do you talk with his mother? maybe she can help you reach into his heart and work it out. i wish i knew what to say to help you in your time of need, and ill pray for you...hugs

[starymist]

wow ok you guys i need to type faster lol i was working on my reply when you two already went at it too funny

[scaredincanada]

Yes it is hard to deal with someone who is an alcoholic, and I believe you are right when you say that he needs the beer to express what is really on his mind, or to deal with the situation. I would looooove to have a heart to heart with him regarding everything, but it is hard when one person is wearing beer bottle glasses. It is not him that refuses to wear the ring, it is I. For one reason, I have lost a tremendous amount of weight recently and it doesn't fit (went from 120 to a little over 100pds in less than woweeks, and struggling to get it back, that is a medical issue, not one by choice, as I do eat healthy) and well, the other, pretty self explanatory. How do I get him to open up without having him open one up? I can not see myself having children with him, not after this.

[scaredincanada]

Well, another new day has dawned. The doctor was right when he said that I would be starting to get cramping! HOLY COW, I was never warned about how bad though.

After a hellish yesterday and night, (I couldn't fall asleep until 4:30AM my time, it is 11:45AM right now as I type this), the first and only thing he had to say about last night was that he was a ****, and was sorry. I told him that it will take me a while to forget what was said, and I accepted his apology for being a ****, but NOT for what he said. I can not stop crying. My eyes are soooooo red and puffy, and I have snot bubbles coming out of my nose (sorry guys, thought that if I could try to make myslef laugh, then you can laugh with me), definitley not the prettiest thing to see right now. ;].

Thanks to you all for your replies and sweet words, advice, and just listening to me. This has been a rough ordeal, my employers are very understanding regarding this, but I live in a city with no family. We moved here over a year and a half ago for his wokr. My family is in another provinve, his is here. It is scary to go thru this alone, and thank you for being here for me. **HUGS** for everyone, and sticky baby dust to you all.

[scaredincanada]

And yes, I am still reconsidering having children with this person, do not need to bring an innocent life who is just offering love, into this type of environment, not fair to them. I have time to think, and that I will. Thanks

[RuthiePee]

Have you thought this might be his way of coping with his own grief by thrashing out and blaming you? I know this sounds like I'm giving him excuses and I'm really not! It wasn't right of him to say these things at all and he IS WRONG but men don't always show when they are hurting - (plus they probably don't feel comfortable to discuss these things with friends or anyone) and it was his loss as well as yours. Maybe you are just getting him venting his frustration because you are closest to him? Alcohol fuelled arguments are always much more spiteful than non alcohol fuelled ones (been there myself!)
I think you need to sit down and have a big non-alcohol induced talk and maybe you will get some genuine answers.
I don't believe it's your fault at all and you really mustn't think that either.
Big Hugs, Ruth xx

[may5]

Iam sorry about what you are going through right now...Honestly, I think you need to re-think your plans of starting a family with your fiance...I know he is under the influence of alcohol when he said those hurtful words to you..sadly, some people need alcohol to release/say the feelings that they are keeping deep down inside...and if that is what he feels then...you need to assess your plans of having a baby with this man...He should be the one who is beside you and should be comforting you after what you went through...but that is not the case...instead, he says those hurtful words and is unsympathetic about what you are feeling...I think it should open your eyes that maybe he doesn't really love you (Iam sooo sorry for saying this) and that you should move on..and find somebody who will love you unconditionally no matter what faults you have or have done in the past...at least you found out right away...cause you see, these feelings have a way of creeping up (and you are right-it is a nightmare!!!)and it would destroy your relationship---if you wanna be with him in the long run (which I assume you do because of the engagement)...talk things out...and if the past remains unforgiven...then girl, you need to give him up...it would hurt you now, but it would save you from all the hurt that you are yet to experience with this man...

I wish you the best...God bless...

P.S. I'm bothered about the engagement ring...I don't understand why he is uncomfortable wearing it in the first place (duh?)...maybe it should give you a hint... :-$