I am worried to death

[zez]

Hi I am sorry if this gets long and boring.
I have been ttc for 16 months now with no luck.
However ever since I started ttc I have suffered from irregular periods and have even had 3 and 5 month absences along the way.
I was attending a fertility clinic who ran some blood tests on me back in July while I was experiencing a 5 month absence with my AF
My fsh came back as 62 which devastated me  my consultant said it could either mean menopause, or premature ovarian failure and I was told that if it was menopause my only hope of a baby woud be by donar egg but if it is premature ovarian failure they can treat it.
At the time I was also experiencing some horrible synptoms such as dizzy turns and weak feelings in my arms and legs.
I have an underactive thyroid which has taken ages to sort out and my doctor referred me to an endocrinologist thinking that the weird feelings I was experiencing could be down to my thyroid.
She did have my blood results from the fertility clinic in front of her and simply dismissed me as menopausel and said my chances of having a baby were very slim but I should speak to the fertility clinic about that.
I came out of that appointment and cried my heart out in front of my mom who wasn,t aware I had been ttc.
That appointment has haunted me ever since. and I wish I had never gone to it.
I attended the fertility clinic again after that appointment and told them what I had been told and they just said that the problem with ovarian failure is that it gives off the same syptoms as menopause althoug they are both different.
They gace me this treatment plan were I had to take 1 months supply of hrt as they said that my pituitary gland was desperately trying to spur my ovaries into action and they were not responding hence the high fsh.
They said that the hrt would shut down the pituitary gland and give the ovaries a rest from the constant hammering and that sometimes the ovaires start working again by themselves after this rest.
They explained that if I get a cycle at the end of the months supply then its not menopause but premature ovarain failure.
I did take the months supply and I did get a cycle and I have also had three more cycles after that without any more hrt.
My consultant was very optimistic for me after this and said that it seems that it was premature ovarian failure and not menopause and there is clearly still eggs there and that I am still in with a chance naturally.
He did however say he doesn,t know how long for.
My cycles have still been unpredictable though with a 26 day cycle then a 32 day cycle and then the last one was 44.
The fertility clinic did not suggest any more blood tests or anything and I have no more appointments with them.
However I am worrying myself sick as I am 38 and I still don,t know whats going on whether I am ouvlating or not.
I have bought myslef a clear blue fertility monitor in the hope of finding out if  I ovulate however if I have any more 44 day cycles It probably won,t be of any use to me but I figure its worth a go.
I am currently on cd 20 and the monitor has been reading high since day 15.
I just don,t know what to do or think and I am getting more and more depressed about the whole situation and cannot bear the thought that that endoc could be right and I am menopausel.
The thought that I may not have any more children is killing me as I know its a high possibility.
What should I do I am desperate.

[zez]

Thanks Lisa RG
I am not feeling very optimistic at the moment and my trouble is that I cannot afford any private treatment I think on that score my choices are limited.
I will look into finding out if  there is somewhere else I can go who may suggest something.
At the same time I am worried that I could be making things worse for myself as I cannot bear a docotr  turning around and saying I am sorry your chances of having a baby are zilch maybe I should just come to that realisation myself.
Sorry if I am not making sense.
My dh has asked me why put yourself through more upset.
The trouble is is that my dh doesn,t give two hoots whether we have another dc or not I currently have an 8 year old.
He thinks its of no importance and thinks so what if we don,t have any more.

[LisaRG]

I think you need to act ASAP.  You need to find an RE and a clinic that helps you.  Your clinic sounds like they gave you the brush off.
I think you should find someone you trust and is willing to help you, now.  At 38 if .your Dr told you still have eggs, then hurry up and get a good doctor!
Lisa