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Grieving for terminal dad
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Grieving for terminal dad

I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm in tears as I read some of the losses you all have been through and I wondered if I had the right to even come here. See my dad is not gone- but he will be in 2-3 months. He is dying and suffering from stage 4 bone cancer. It started out as prostrate cancer 7 years ago or so- but by time it was diagnosed it had spread the tiniest bit to bone. He had radiation and we all thought it was over. Honestly he didn't go to check ups or any of the sort- my dads a bachelor of 32 years, a farmer, a country boy as he says. Now he is in at home hospice and I grieve every single day of my life as if it were the first time I found out. My family seems baffled as to how to help. I honestly am too. I go to a therapist , I'm on medication, yet it is here just hanging on me every single day.  He has accepted his fate more than I.  I don't know what to do. I don't show this around him because it upsets him. I'm always up and positive. But once I leave I wail and wail in the car. I feel like I don't even want to try and help myself. Like I don't deserve to helps self when my dear dad is dying.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm so sorry for all you're enduring but please don't be so hard on yourself.  Knowing you're losing a parent is very difficult but you do have an advantage that many of us never got.  You can spend time just talking with your dad, laughing, and remembering.  You can let him know how much you love him...this is very important.  I lost a son and grandson and never got to say good-bye and one last "I love you."  Treasure this time with your dad, and let him know you'll be okay...this is HIS biggest worry right now.  Cry together, you both need this and let him know what a wonderful father he has been.  Tell him everything you feel, but most of all that he raised you very well and that you will live a honorable life to continue making him proud. I know you don't want to upset him, but for you to say all that's in your heart it's going to happen...and it's good for him too!  He's so worried about those he's leaving behind and he needs reassurance that all of you will be strong because you know that's what he wants.  Also start a journal, by putting your feelings and thoughts down on paper it serves as a relief for us and is very therapeutic...even if we just toss them away.  It's okay that you feel this way, be patient with yourself, this is not the time to pretend you're not hurting... because you are.  You're going through so much and the pain is overwhelming, you cry all you want.  I think you're in the grieving process and that's okay.  My heart and prayers go out to you and your dear father....big hugs to you.
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Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I am so sorry to hear about your son and grandson.  I have a 3 year old daughter and I simply cannot imagine your pain.  
You are exactly right-it is a luxury to be able to have this time and KNOW I have tbhis time to spend with him.  I realized I am shor tchanging him and myself by fast forwarding to the grief.  I will have the rest of my life to grieve, now I not the time for that.  Its time to be with him while he lives.
Reading on this board, I have realized how lucky and grateful I should be.  I even feel a little bit guilty posting here after reading the horrible losses so many have gone through.
Again thank you so much for the wise words.  XO
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Avatar_f_tn
Never feel guilty for posting on here, all our losses are bad...just different.  I don't think you're short changing yourself or your dad with your grief, these are real feelings that cannot be masked. Trying to hold in these feelings will just make it worse for you.  Most of all, know it's okay to cry with your dad.  Just like you're trying to be strong for him...he's trying to be strong for you.  He needs to cry and has every reason to.  I also feel that if the two of you have a good cry together, it will be easier for you to visit and not be so upset.  Take care.
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                            Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

Your Dad has accepted his fate. Now it is you, to accept it as well.
There's nothing more that he wants from you.

Many Blessings to you, your Dad and your entire family.
Niko

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Thank you both.  Wonderful words.
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