How am I going to get through this

[mommygilmore]

I just lost my mom to bone cancer March 1st 2008. She was in the hospital when she passed with my dad at her bedside. I just keep waiting for my phone to ring because her & I were on the phone constanly. I am totally lost now. I have no idea how I am suppose to feel or act right now. It feels like a huge part of me is missing now. I cannot explain exactly how I feel it just feels very strange to me. I have broken down a couple of times since she passed. I keep waiting for this huge emotional breakdown to happen. My poor husband is trying so hard to be there for me but I don't know what to tell him to do to help me because I am not sure myself. I just feel very disconnected from everything. What can I expect in the weeks to come???

[Elmo869]

I also lost my mom recently. I feel lonely and lost. You described many things I feel. I miss my mom and I want to talk to her again. I feel really disconnected with myself and the whole world. It felt good knowing that I am not alone with these feelings. Thank you for writing your post.

[Reirei]

Mommygilmore's original message hit a home run and is familiar with what I had with my dad.  We were best of buddies and had phone conversations frequently.  After he passed, I didn't know how I was going to surive or get through the day.  Nine years later, I still miss him dearly.  One thing that helped me is to take a helium balloon whenever I missed him and needed to talk to him.  I would cry,hug and kiss the balloon and talk to the balloon as if it were my father.  Telling him my problems, how much I love him, and how special of a father he is, and how much he is missed.  I also tell him about my kids, what they are doing and how proud of them he would be. When I'm ready, I let go and send the balloon to heaven.  It really helps!!!

Good luck
Reirei

[kipland]

You're absolutely right, Beth......I know exactly what you mean.  I'm sure you feel like a huge part of your life is missing too.  I know what you're talking about when you say you go on with your everyday life - but it just feels different, doesn't it?  I'm still trying to find my new routine without her!  

I finally broke down and had the doctor put me on Wellbutrin.  It really seems to be helping me get the energy and/or drive to do things like housework.  I was getting up and going to work each day, but as far as thinking of things to cook, doing laundry, cleaning...all that just fell apart.  I was a little scared to take it, because I didn't want to not feel anything.  I want to go through the grieving process now so it doesn't come back to haunt me later.  I'm happy to say that I still cry at times.....just not as much as I was.

We'll be okay.  Most people have to go through this at some point in their lives.  I just didn't expect it to be so soon and so fast.  My faith has been a huge help in getting through this.  I know that she's in a better place, and someday I'll see her again.  That brings me so much peace!

Take care, Beth ~ and thanks for the post back.  It sure helps to know we're not alone, doesn't it?

[mommygilmore]

Hi Lori, let me first say I am so sorry about your mom. Your right I believe we both know how each other is feeling. It is the worse feeling in the world. Right now I am just trying to keep my mind busy. Some days I try really hard not to think about my mom because I don't want to be down. Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Then I catch myself sometimes saying to myself "oh my gosh my mom is really gone."

Tomorrow it will be 1 monrth since she passed. I cannot believe I have gone a whole month w/out talking to my mom. It still does not seem real to me. I just miss her so much I can't stand it sometimes.  I am trying to move on like everything is normal but I feel like normal is gone. I go through each day going to work and caring for my husband & daughter. I am at a point now where I am just emotionally exhausted and my whole body just aches. I am just going through the motions because I have to.

I am pretty sure you know what I mean. I will put you and your family in my thoughts & prayers. Like you said you wish you could give me words of  wisdom. You & I both know that nobody can say or do anything to make us hurt any less.

Beth

[kipland]

I lost my mom to liver cancer on February 2nd of this year, so I know exactly what you're going through.  I too, was very close to my mom.  In fact, she lived right next door to me.  This is the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through.  I've had a really tough week this past week - not sure why, but like you, the tears just start flowing and I can't stop them.  I can't focus on anything.  I feel so empty inside!  I'll always miss her, but I'm hoping the pain lessens.

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom to share with you, but just wanted to let you know that if you ever need to vent, IM me and we'll cry together!!

Lori

[lovlylady2008]

There is no right or wrong way to react to the loss of someone you love, you may be mad or feel empty, or it could be a mix of many diffrent emotions. All are right and no can be wrong. I'm sorry for everyones losses and hope that all found or can find happiness and pece with there religion or familys. The most important thing anyone can do is continue to be positive and see that all things happen the way it was intended to. No matter how unfair it seems, hold on to the happest of times and memorys, and even though they are phisicaly missing in our lives that they are still there its just in a diffrent way. My Best hopes for Happiness for all of you and may you find the strenght to continue to be amazing people.

[Neta100]

Glad I was able to help.  You are not alone and it's good to talk about one's feelings.  Let's keep on fighting and believing that life is a journey and we have to take advantage of all the good things we have.  Take care and bless you.

Neta

[mommygilmore]

Thank you for your beautiful response. I know that within time things will get better. I can relate to what you said. My mom had been sick with bone cancer for 4 1/2 yrs. She went through 7 long hospital stays and 53 rounds of radiation. Even though she was so sick for so long and I knew in my heart it would eventually kill her nothing can prepare you for the death of a parent. I thought I was ready because I knew how much pain she was in. God she suffered for so long.  When the time finally came I was not ready to let go.

My dad said the night before she died he prayed for the very first time that God would end her suffering. The next day after he got home from the hospital he said god finally answered my prayers. My parents were married 45yrs this past november. My dad told me over this past weekend he keeps waiting for my mom to call him to come and pick her up because he said it just doesn't seem real.

I do wake up thinking about her and I go to bed thinking about her. I cry myself to sleep every single night because all I want to do is talk to her.

I have gone through alot of painful times in my life. This is the hardest time ever. I have wonderful support from my very loving husband and my 4yr old daughter keeps me going everyday. She knows that when mommy is sad its because Grandma Mary died.  I know my mom would not want me to sit around and be depressed all the time. I just have my moments and move on.

I am so thankful I was with her the last few days before she passed. I even gave her, her last bath the day before she died. She knew we were all there. Even though you could not make out what she was trying to say, you could hear her say "I LOVE YOU". She kept calling each of us by name and telling us she loved us.

Again thank you for responding it is nice to know I am not the only one going through this. That everything I am feeling is perfectly normal.

mommygilmore

[Neta100]

Nothing prepares oneself for the loss of a loved one, but it's okay to grieve, to be sad, to be angry and to miss someone like your mom.  But as days go on, you'll get better and I think you should take one day at a time, and remember her as she was and the happy and amazing time you spent with her.  It's not easy, but eventually the pain will start to diminish and you should take her with you everywhere you go, in your heart and your mind forever.  Think that one day, you'll meet with her again, that her body might not be with you no more, but her soul will go on living in you until you meet her again.

I lost about six months ago a dear man who was like a dad to me.  He opened his heart and the door of his house and took me in as if I was his own child, and I was blessed to have him in my life.  Although he had been sick for several years and I knew that he would eventually die, it was hard to see him die.  I was in shock when he died, but I knew I had to be strong for his wife; they had been married for 39 years, a lifetime.   I had to give myself time to grieve and as time has gone by, things have gotten better.  A day doesn't go by in which I don't think of him, and I know that he may be physically gone, but he's still in my heart and one day we'll meet and have a blast as in the past.  

Don't push yourself so hard.  Time helps you heal and a brighter day is on it's way, be sure of that.

Neta

[jml1986]

  Sadly you will feel lost for awhile, but one day you will realize your day was better. You don't know when, how or why, it just will be. That comes with its own issues as well. Once you realize it, you then get mad at yourself because you did not spend your whole day thinking about your mom, and how could you just forget her like that. Reality is, you didn't forget her, you are starting to learn to cope. It took me a couple of years before I really accepted the fact that just because I didn't spend the day focusing on how much I missed my dad, it did not mean that I loved him any less.
  Once the really severe pain starts to ease up, you will be able to function like you need to. You may just be going through the motions, but that's okay, the world will still be there when you are ready to face it again.
  If I could give you one piece of advice it would be try not to just focus on the day she died. You had so many amazing days with her that you need to try to focus on those. I know that is easier said then done, but I just kept telling myself that and eventually I was able to do it.
  Believe me when I say to you, you are doing just fine. You are just expecting to much out of yourself to fast.

[mommygilmore]

Thank you so much fo responding to me. You nailed it pretty well on some of the emotions I am facing right now. Right now I just keep playing back into my head some of last converstions her & I had. I recently had a miscarriage and had to have a D&C at the end of Jan. and I live 3hrs away from my parents. I swear I thought my phone was going to blow up because her & I were on it so much. I am already dreading mothers day coming up. I have a 4yr old little girl and I know it will be a nice day with her and my husband but I do not want it to come this year.

I took 2 weeks off from work after my mom passed and everyone at work has been great. Now that a few weeks have gone by people will ask me "how am I doing" I am not sure how to answer them because I do not know how I am doing. Your right I keep hearing from EVERYONE "oh shes in a better place now and she is not suffering anymore" i just kind of nodd and agree. I am so tired of hearing that.

My poor husband just doesn't know what to do or say. The one thing that bugs me about him is if I am feeling sad or looking sad over my mother he cannot understand that. He will say "baby whats wrong and I say nothing just thinking about my mom". He needs to hear me justify every time that I am not upset with him. That is starting to drive me crazy.

This is truly the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. Your right I do not feel like a 31yr old woman. I feel like a very lost little girl. Once I start crying I cannot stop. It comes in spurts. My daughter will say something really cute and I find myself wanting to call my mom to tell her. Thats when it hits me. This is by far the hardest time of my life. I just do not know how to act or feel right now. I am completley lost.

[jml1986]

There are a lot of Cliches' that people can tell you in hopes that it will make this better for you, but reality is, it hurts and it hurts bad. I lost my dad almost nine years ago and I never thought I would be here today talking to people who are just starting the process, so let me tell you how I felt in words that you will understand. Sorry it is so long, but I have found no way to shorten it.

  My life change forever the minute my dad died. First of all as I stood there when they told us he was gone, I went from being a 36 year old woman to a 4 year old little girl who just wanted her daddy back.
  I remember people kept telling me he was in a better place and he was no longer in pain. This was meant to comfort me, and to be real honest, it just pissed me off. In my mind, he would be in a better place if he were here with us were we loved him.
  By strong for your mom, I heard that so many times, and yes I was there for my mom and I helped her and was strong when I was around her, but at the time, I did not think anyone needed to tell me how to feel. I was hurting too and I could not just push that aside because somebody thought I should.
  I was told that the funeral would be the hardest thing to do. They lied. Living without my dad has been way harder then the funeral, because you are numb during the funeral, you aren't when you have to keep living.
  Life will get back to normal someday. Wrong, that is not reality. The normal you knew is gone. You will go on and you will have a new normal, and life will be good again, but you will always have a hole in your heart that can not be filled, but you will now be able to live with it.
  One thing that bothers you is, how can people go on living and act like nothing has happend when I am dying inside. Don't they know I'm still hurting. The answer is yes, but they also know that they can not fix it for you and as much as they would love to, they can't bring your mom back, so they have to let you grieve her.
  You go somewhere and you don't want to be there. You have never felt so alone in a crowd.
  You feel like you have a contagious disease because you go out in public and if feels like people avoid you because they are afraid they will make you cry if they ask how you are doing. When all you want to do is talk about your mom.
  Your world no longer goes by dates, it now goes by before mom died or after mom died. Because dates no longer matter.
  I know for me, my husband tried to help me, but to be honest, I just wanted to poke his eyes out everytime he tried to comfort me by saying I know how you feel, or I understand. Why, because he didn't understand. He has never walked in my shoes. He still has both of his parents, and even if he didn't, we all grieve differently.
  It will take you along time to stop jumping when the phone rings, or feeling like she should be walking in during a holiday, but slowly although it will forever cross your mind you will stop getting the sick feeling that comes when she doesn't call or walk in.
  Allow yourself time to grieve above all. I took alot of long hot showers because I could just stand in there and sob and when you come out with red eyes noone thinks anything about it. Talk about your mom every chance you get no matter if you cry or not and to whomever will listen. You need to do that to make it real for you.
  Lastly let me tell you what I learned from losing my dad. 1. I make a point of talking and listening to people who lose a loved one, because I would have wanted them to that for me. 2. I also make a point of contacting that person a week or so after things settle down just to let them know that I know they are still hurting. 3. I now send a card to that person sometime throughout the first year that lets them know I'm still thinking of them. 4. I am always there for that person from the beginning until they end of the time they need me. That includes making sure that if there are little things that need done during the visitation or funeral are done, checking with them on a regular basis and offering my help. Whatever they need, I make it my mission to do it so they can deal with their lose and not have to deal with other things.

I hope this helps. If you need to talk, please pm me.

[ParamedFlorena]

Hi!

I'm sorry for your loss! It sounds like she was a great friend including a wonderful mother. May the memories be a true blessing.

Let me assure you that it is completely normal to feel lost in the meadows of all these emotions and thoughts and feelings now in the beginning of this grief you're facing. That is where it is helpful to start too: Stop and take a deep breath and define the emotions and thoughts you can, let one more follow, then another emotion and then the next one.

Shock and denial is common to go through, just as normal as the empty sadness that has no name before you manage to find a tag for it - then anger, and sadness or depression.
You may feel so sad that you just want to withdraw from the world, not wanting to see or speak to anyone, or do anything. You may not want to go out of the house, or to work - you may just want to be alone with your thoughts and memories.

Don't get too scared - grieving isn't to "let go". You'll never have to let go of all that your mother meant to you. It might sound a bit horrifying to know that you're going to accept that she doesn't live amongst you and your family anymore as in physically being there, but all that she did and all that she said is always going to be in your heart.

Just recently I met a teenager whose mother passed away after a short time's battle against cancer. We talked quite a lot. Coming closer to the end of the meeting, the father let the son turn to me - and he said:
"Oh, now I know! It's like learning to drive isn't it? I've got to trust that the road continues after the bend."

We don't know what is around the bend, but we will see it once we're around it.

Do check back if you have more questions.

Florena