lost father to suicide

[beezer88]

I just lost my father to suicide 2 days ago. I was the one who found him and  I cant get the picture out of my head. I am also having a really hard time understanding why he would think this was his only way out. I know he was having a lot of problems lately but we talked the night before and we agreed to work on them together, and the next day he was gone. I am his son and also an only child. I am 27 years old and this is the first time I have had to deal with the death of someone this close to me not to mention the fact of how the death occured. I am desperatly seeking answers to the questions why did this happen?, and what can I do to deal with this? My heart is broken and I  feel like this is never going to go away. Any answers or advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

[nrgbunni]

Im sorry for your loss. I have lost 2 uncles, one by suicide this yr, and 1 murdered when i was 15. They are both so brutal ways to loose someone close. I dont know which is easier to deal with. On 1 hand i think people are more accepting  and understanding  to the family of murder victim, where as suicide is such a social taboo and people act wierdly around you. Instead of being able to blame an outside force with vengence you are stuck blaming either yourself/family or the loved one lossed or both. Either way you have still lossed. The 3 men who murdered my uncle got off on self defence, so iv never really had the proper closure. So i understand how it must feel for you...
Take care and keep strong.

[nrgbunni]

I am so sorry for your loss. My uncle killed himself in January this year. My aunty and their 12yr old son found him in the shed. I would do anything to take away the memories of seeing him like that from them, especially my lil cousin. We had a viewing for him which helped my cousin a bit to see him @ piece. I cant imagine what that would be like for you, i just pray that you can remember him for who he was and try not to think of him @ the end.

DLR2007 your story reminds me alot of what my aunty must be going thru. They live 17 hrs away from us so i worry that they are doing ok. She has had to go thru this loss and now she has to pick up the pieces and try and support her and the kids. She doesnt talk about it and im worried about her drinking combined with anti depressants. I just cant bear to loose her too.

[madonna40]

Hi I have just read all of your posts and my heart goes out to you all. My father took his own life when I was eight (I am now 34) I do not think I will ever really recover as like so many of you have said one can never know the reasons why. I have been through rollacoaster emotions all my life blaming him, blaming me etc. But the one thing you all have to remember is depression is the cause and nothing anyone has done! My family and I were unaware of the problems my father was dealing with it so could not help. However, I still feel the loss and feel that certain choices I have made would have been better if he had been around. I do not think you can totally have closure but please stay strong. xx

[jsas01]

I'm sorry for your loss.  I also lost someone close to me to suicide. She shot herself in the head.  My Mother January 2007.  I still struggle alot.  I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old.  It makes it so much harder but on the other hand they give me reason.  Everyone always said that I was exactly like her.  She even tried telling me that I was bi-polar.  I hate the term.  One weird thing is that as a teenager I tried to commit suicide like 3 times.  I did it to get her attention.  She was an alcohol and drug abuser.  But after all the stuff she had to go through with me she does it- in such a violent way.  I didnt have to see her dead.  homocide detectives came to my home and told me in front of my children.  I fell to the floor.  I still cry every night.  but I can picture it in my head by what they told me.  so many unanswered questions. so much greif.  If only I could have done some things.  I hate the man that was part of the reason of her decision.  Sometimes I think maybe she didnt do it.  Maybe he killed her.  He left her alone desperate, on 700 something mg's of benzo's , and with a loaded gun.  He knew she would do it.  I have all of her journals from when she was in rehab and she wrote that he said that he would get rid of her and get away with it.  i guess he did.  I hate him.  but the detectives wont do anything.  and we cant get an attorney that will go against the police department and state attorney.  shes gone anyweays and noooone can bring her back.  her ashes sit in my closet.  she finally is home and its not craziness.

[jr82]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost my father to suicide four months ago.  My mother found him in the backyard of the house I grew up in and although I was fortunate not to have seen the imagery up close I am still haunted by the visions of him in his sad and final resting position.  Since then my mother and sister have been relocated and I often feel overwhelmed by this "new life." I usually feel embarassed and fearful of the judement that goes along with my father's death and feel as if none of my friends or colleagues understand me.  My father was my best friend and the one I always seeked guidance from.  Despite his death, words can not express my adoration of him and his fun-loving disposition.  I wish I could offer you advice but hopefully you will find comfort knowing that you are not alone.  Take care and stay strong.

[beezer88]

Thank you Stephanie for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about your father. I get excited when I see a new name on this list. Everyones words of encouragement really helps me. I wish I could help everyone one of you that have helped me.

[Stephanie Elaine]

my heart goes out to you. i lost my father to suicide and he was my best friend, and an awesome father, i miss him greatly, i still cry myself to sleep and try to tell myself that it will get better, and time seems to heal all wounds. i lost him 6 years ago last july and its still hard. but i can tell you tha it does get easier as the years have gone on. i will have you in my prayers, and remember all of the good times you have had together.
sincerly,
Stephanie Elaine

[beezer88]

thank everyone for their thoughts and suggestions. I am still trying to deal with this but it is very hard on me. I think about my dad every second of every day. I have tried to go back to my normal life which has helped but i dont think ill ever be the same person i was. It does help knowing that there are people who have gone through what i have been going through. I am still open for any advice that anyone else has.  My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone this way, it takes a very strong individual to endure through everything that comes with a loss like this.  Thank you all for your help.

[damielea1987]

i also lost my brother to suicide almost a year ago, I was 19, he was 29. i cannot begin to understand why he did it, he hung himself in a position which he could have easily stopped himself, so it is clear to me he ment it but the reasons why are still not clear. he was generally happy, had friends and family who loved him and saw him everyday and my father found him that morning. I only wish we had warning as like yourself it was a total shock! whihc itself is taumatic enough withoiut facing the reality of death and suicide.
he had his moody days like anyother human and it seemed that the particular time it happened was in a better period, he was even making plans for the christmas party that day at work with collegues, although it was 3months ahead.
I have tried to comfort my parents and i have tried to comfort myself but it is beginning to drive me mad and i think the biggest thing you can do to help yourself keep going with life is to talk to people, they won't give you answers or make you forget your father but the stress and trauma inside you will eat you up if you don't talk to people and relieve yourself of the pain now and then.
Being a young male yourself i know that you are in the "high risk category" whihc i have always been aware having studied psychology for two years and i fear that this is rising and i pray that you do not follow your father, you see the pain he left behind, knowing this know i don't know how anybody can inflict this on others.
This may sound cheesy but on Friday 21st September the 1st anniversary of his death, i am setting free 7 ballons in colours of the rainbow, it is something i want to grow aid of suicide awareness eventually and i'll be thinking of you and the others on here who have experienced the suicide of a loved one. We did this for his birthday in March he would have been 30, and watching them hurry off in the sky provided me with a moment of happiness and a feeling of relief, maybe you could try this on the next special occassion and see how it makes you feel.

Take care
L

[Ginasouthcarolina]

Hi i am new to this forum i lost my brother to suicide,,i felt the same way and i still havnt gotten over it..i did not find him he drove off in his car and shot himself in the head( sorry to be so graffic) i went to   a support group for a while and we all had the same questions WHY? and the truth is no one can ever answer that question i also talked with my brother about his mental stater and trying to get help and making it better the morning he did it but once they have it in there head to do it its already done and theres no turning back i also lost my mother recently not to suicide but she suffered terribly and i think part of her suffering was caused by loosing her son so just try and keep strong and if you need to talk im here....Gina

[dlr2007]

I'm so sorry that you're going thru such a terrible time. I found my children's father after he OD'd, and it was very traumatic. Even though I didn't want to, I kept replaying the scene in my mind over and over.. it was awful. I still remember standing by my stove crying and lierally unable to keep still, I was so distraught-  I just kept saying I couldn't stand it anymore. It was scary to those around me, I know. I had 2 kids to comfort also- just a nightmare.
  So I know how you feel in many ways. But I think losing a parent is harder than what I went thru. I'm sure you know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Some things we will just never understand, no matter how hard we try. All I can say is I think people sometimes become so trapped by their own problems and pain that they are unable to see a way out. They no longer notice the support of their loved ones or believe that there are better days ahead. So they end it. I went over my last conversation with my kid's dad a million times- I blamed myself a million more. Finally, I see that it wasn't my fault. I hope you know that no matter how wonderful a daughter you were to your dad, this still would have happened. You can't save another person from themselves.
  I think it would be good if you could find a counselor. Someone you are comfortable with, and preferably one who is experienced in dealing with people in your situation. Please don't bury your sadness like I did. After my initial extreme period of mourning, I justrefused to deal with my feelings. I got a very inappropriate boyfriend who was horrible to me and not much better to my kids, began focusing entirely on myself and how I looked, and took up drinking and drugs again. I was lucky to make it back to reality and that my kids are still happy and welladjusted. You will always feel this, but it will get better, easier to deal with, in time. Let yourself cry and think about your dad and do what you have to do to let out your grief. But don't isolate yourself either. Right now you are probably going to be pretty busy with arrangments and people paying their respects (although some people shy right away from situations like yours and mine). Once all that calms down, you will have more time on your hands. That can be good but can also be lonely. That would be a great time to find a counselor, talk to supportive people in your life, post on this forum, make a photo album or scrapbook of your dad IF you're ready... do whatever it takes to get through this in a healthy way. But you CAN make it through this.
  Again,I'm so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers.
  -Dee


  

[PlateletGal]

Sorry for repeat (repeating) myself. It must be past my bedtime...! = )

[PlateletGal]

I am sorry to hear about your great loss. I can only tell you that my friend was in the same situation, but with her sister. Her sister had taken her life and my friend had many questions, but few answers. My friend also discovered her body.

It will take time...I hope you will just let yourself go through the process. I honestly can't answer your questions... you did say that he had a lot of problems ? I'm sure you are angry with him... if not now, then maybe later. Grieving is a process... one that all of us, I'm sure, would do anything to avoid because it is so painful. I think the people who acknowledge the loss and the pain are the ones who do it in a healthy way. I hope that you will keep the good memories of your father alive. That is one thing I've learned about losing someone you love... I always honor them and keep their memories alive.