I lost my mom last December and Im still having a really hard time. she was my grandma but my birth mom (her daughter) coulsnt keep me. She had melanoma on her back that went undetected for so many years. She had countless surgerys including back under arms and 2 brain. And every test came back positive for cancer. I knew it was coming but I didn't want it to. Her one dream her other daughters never did for her was have a wedding. And only being 21 at the time my husband proposed I knew I had to have one. I was so scared she wouldnt make it the 8 months. I took care of her and helpped her when ever I could. I love her with all my heart. Luckily she made it! She was in so much pain but wouldn't have missed it for the world. My sister have always been jealous of our relationship. So I went to the doctor 2 days before thanksgiving and ended up having emergency surgery for my appendix. And wasn't feeling good when I called my Mon and my sister would let me talk to her until the hospital called and said I wanted to talk to her. We just cried. So the next few weeks I didn't feel good and didn't go to her house as much as I wanted. She passes away on December 2nd. The day before she passed I told her I would come over but I was in so much pain I could drive. I called her she said it was.fine and to get rest and get better. So I did. They next day I was at work and my sisters didn't.call my cousin did and asked where I was she was shocked and asked why. I was so confused. She then told me my mom was going to the hospice house. Where she hadn't wanted to go. She was so worked up about going the hospice the had to put her to sleep. I called my boss she got me off early and I sped the whole way there. She never woke back up. I watched her take her last breathe. And every day I cry even with antidepressants. I don't know what to do any more I'm only 23 and I really need her so many questions. :'(
You did the best you could. At least you were there at the last -- we missed my mother-in-law's last for a reason I really was angry about (even before she passed, I knew we needed to be there). You at least got to hold her hand.
I think you will need some grief therapy, there are therapists who specialize in that topic and they are very helpful. It doesn't make your life change in that the thing that made you sad has still happened, but it makes a major world of difference to have a person to talk to about it all.
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