Advice please

[tedabell]

I have a friend that is sick with pancreatic cancer. I don't know for sure what kind it is he is an elderly man and he was diagnosed in August 2010 what is the survival rate for this type of cancer or the quality of life. I am confused because I know that this type of cancer is called the silent killer because symptoms don't present itself until an advanced stage. However he is still alive and he is talking about weight loss and lack of energy and that he could be gone any day know but the creator makes the final decision advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tedabell]

I understand life is a part of death/dying. I can get over this by being strong. I know I will never see him again that is the loss but I no that he is in a better place.

[Londres70]

I would recommend posting in the Grief and Loss forum too.  

[Londres70]

Since I didn't observe the relationship, I really can't say what this man thought about you before or after he got sick.  My opinion is based SOLELY on the information you have provided.  

As I stated in the above post try to move on the best way you can.  Sounds like this will be very difficult for you.  

All the best.  Good luck.  

[tedabell]

Do you really think that he didn't want me to be a part of his life.He did some kind things for me when he was alive. But when he got sick the tables turned. Why did you say that he didn't want me to be a part of his life. Is it from the way he treated me when he got sick sometimes he was that way when he was alive. But he was always there for me when times got rough.

[Londres70]

Your relationship with this man sounds a bit strange; almost as if he didn't want you in his life.  That is my opinion.  

Don't beat yourself up over this.  I don't think it mattered what you said to this man especially if he didn't really consider you a part of his life from the sound of all of this.

Try to learn and move on from this unfortunate situation.  

My opinion is a bit strong, but that is my opinion.    

[tedabell]

I feel kind of bad about the situation do you think I made matters worse when I said earlier in another post that he might be in his apartment dead. I should have never said that.

[tedabell]

Hi Londres I found out today that my close friend had passed away on Feburary22. The Veterans Affairs told me today. He was just discharged from the hospital on Feburary 18. I still didn't get a chance to be there for him. He will be missed.

[tedabell]

I found him at the University Hospital in newark however when I got there he had company it was a woman that he talked about to me her name was dottie. She was a woman he used to be involved with a long time ago. However when I entered the room he was in the bathroom and she introduced herself to me and I told her my name. However she kept naming other people names I guess she thought I was a relative to mark she kept asking me am one of his relatives daughters and I continued to say no then I said I am a friend of his and she said oh and stopped talking. Then mark said tome in the bathroom how did I find him and I said I called the hospital and told them your name he kind of chuckled and asked me did I call the police with a laugh. Then he went on to say to me I am getting ready to go home and I will call you when I get home then I left. Did he go about things the right way with his company being there. I remember him mentioning his friend dottie and I had a feeling that she was his caretaker. However ever since he's been sick I haven't been able to play a role. Could it be that I don't mean anything to him or is it that since he has known Dottie longer then me he find her more reliable.

[tedabell]

I did call the veterans hospital today and found out some news from the receptionist. He is kind of private with his business since he's been ill. Today the same exact veterans affairs hospital that I went to back in August he wasn't there. Today I called and spoke to the same receptionist I talked to back in August and he is going by a different name he told me his name is Mark. I know him as Mark James C******** but his first name appears to be James and his middle name is supposedly Mark. But I gave her his birth date and she found him under a different name called e******* I was shocked if he is going by another name there may be some more things I don't know about him. The receptionist also asked do I know a woman I can't recall her name she lives in Irvington and he has her down for emergency contact. However ever since he has been sick I was never able to play a role in his life. He would push me away when I kept on pressing he started to reconsider and change his mind about things but I haven't spoke to him in about two weeks now and I haven't got a answer for the past five days. Something deep down in my heart is telling me that maybe he is in his apartment dead I hope not. What do you think. I thought about maybe he is in the hospital or something. However the receptionist at the VA did tell me that the last time he was at the Veterans Hospital was back in January that was last month not to long ago but he does have pancreatic cancer and I don't know what stage he's in and he is an elderly man 71 years old. I don't no what else to do what does it sound like to you.

[GeezLouize75]

I would get a family member or someone with a key to go in and see if he is okay.  Or, if no one has seen him for several days, you might call the authorities and tell them that he is very ill and might well be in there alone and in need of help.  Good luck to you.

[tedabell]

I did go over and check on him yesterday my daughter and I but we didn't get no answer. I did think that maybe he could of gone to the hospital or maybe he is with a friend or something like that.

[Londres70]

Could he by any chance be in the hospital?  

Do you know any of his other friends to ask?  

I think you should go over and check on him.  

[tedabell]

Hi Londres this is tedabell I have some news to tell you and it is really bugging me it's about my friend that I talked to you about the one that is sick with pancreatic cancer. Londres the last time we talked on the phone was about a week ago. However I haven't been able to talk to him since then I called him 2/12/2011 and on 2/13/2011 as well as 2/14/2011 and the next day and so on. I called him 5 days in a row and no answer I am hoping that he is somewhere with someone because I don't want to think of the worse but that is on my mind because he has been sick for some time. I hope he is okay. I am terrified there is nothing else for me to do. I wish he would answer the telephone soon advice please.

[tedabell]

Hello again Londres I appreciate the advice that you gave me in reference to my friend however in the begining of his diagnoses I was worried and confused and wanted to help. I remember saying something like did the doctors tell you how much time you have left. I didn't know how to talk to him at the time I was worried about his condition and not really focussing on what to say and what not to say. However do you think that was the wrong thing to say to someone that has cancer. In the begining of his sickness I was always talking about his condition because I no how serious this type of cancer is but later on I started talking about things aside from his cancer because he probably needed a break from that. Londres I understand what you mean just be there for him and that is what I am trying and want to do. However I go to church and pray for him in the mornings.

[Londres70]

I cannot say what exactly was the problem in the beginning with you and your friend.  I would from here on out let him take the led and be there for him.  

All the best.  

[tedabell]

I completely understand I knew that this behavior was normal for someone suffering from a illness like this that is why I continue to strive to do things for him while he is here not once did I ever get upset or angry for his behavior because I can't. You have to put yourself in someone else shoes before you make judgment that is why I continue to be patient. Londres do you think that I was to forward in the beginning of his diagnoses by wanting to help or some people just don't like to ask for help. I understand that this is a very devastating sickness to go threw. In a sense I think he don't want me to see him suffering it could be a number of things I am seeing the big picture since he's been sick for 5months now I just want to be there for him and spend some time with him before

[Londres70]

This is very normal behavior for someone who is dying or has been given a poor prognosis.  Let him be happy when he wants, mad when he wants, distant when he wants, etc.  Just let him know you will always be there for him when he needs you.  There are phases or stages for death and dying, 5 to be exact.  I don't know if you are a reader, but there are books by the author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who explains the dying process.  This might help you to better understand your friend.  

[tedabell]

I appreciate your input however since he's been sick he doesn't want me around I have been trying over and over again to be with him and to play a part in his life but he pushes me away. However since time progressed he's starting to reconsider he is starting to look at things a little bit different I can tell. But in the beginning he was mean towards me I think he was letting his sickness take over him. However he has been sick now since August to tell you the truth I started noticing weight loss before August like in June of 2009.I told him about the weight loss but I didn't think it was that severe. However he started feeling symptoms of abdominal pain cramping in his stomach associated with backache in June 2010. He thought it was his mattress but he went to the doctor in August2010 and had blood work done other procedures and he was told that his numbers were to high and his liver didn't look to good then he went back for more tests and blood work and then the second time he was told he had a mass on his pancreas so they decided to put a stent to drain fluid and he was prescribed pain pills for his pain nutritional supplements ensure and medication for constipation miralax if I'm not mistaken this all took place in August 2010. However I was unable to play a part in his life but we still have phone conversation and he will still talk to me about his condition but I still haven' t been able to provide support to him and I really am trying hard a don't want to give up. His attitude seemed a little different last month when I asked him can I come over and be a helping hand. It was better than before but he kind of hesitated saying the weather was to bad but some other time yesterday he even said to me maybe one day I will have you to come over and do laundry and cooking I was glad because I always had to initiate it but with him saying that meant that he appreciate my patience so that's a start but time is steady going on and his condition seems to be getting worse and I want to be there for him and spend as much time as I can because you never know. He has been talking negative since he's been diagnosed but I try to compromise and have him look at things in a different view but he just says things like I'm dying and there's nothing I can do. Sometimes when I call him up his voice sounds good and peepy as if he's not sick and his attitude and behavior seems great I guess it varies he has his good days and his bad days when he sounds good he is interested in talking to me in a positive way even when he don't sound so good he try to talk positive.
I would like to know if I was putting to much pressure on him in the beginning which is why he was pushing me away. In the beginning of his sickness I even came to his house unannounced this was the first month he was diagnosed I was concerned worried and scared and that was how I reacted he was terrified with me and drove me back home. I felt bad but I never stopped trying and I won't give up because that is how much I care about this person what should I do.

[Londres70]

The prognosis is usually poor and the quality of life is varied, but usually fair to poor.  I am surprised he is still alive.  Usually within 3-6 months after diagnosing most patients are dead.  The weight loss is extreme.  

Just enjoy what time he has left and be there for him.