Am not able to cope with death of my wife

[shishupal]

It's almost two and half month back I lost my wife to suicide, she was depressed and was under Psychatrist treatment. I am not able to get over the feeling of her no more there. I have a 6 year old kid to look after. Am I responsible for this condition of myself and my son? Please help

Rgds,

SP

[mike3738]

my wife judy died 3-6-2011, we were married on 6-8-1963, i had an affair in 1969, that same year my wife suffered a mental breakdown,chemical brain imbalance, 4 years later she tried to end her life, i feel responsible for her breakdown and attempted suicide, in 2005 she came down with c-diff when she was hospitalized from a fall, and dementia began to set in, i did everything i could to help her get well from the c-diff, including giving her injections of flagl every 6 hours for 3 months, i thought she was getting well
as i got her weight back up to 90 pounds from 76 pounds, the day before she died she felt wonderful, and looked beautiful, the next morning,i made her coffee, she told me she was having trouble breathing, so i gave her  a nebulizer treatment for her breathing, a few minutes later she said she felt sick to her stomach, i went into the bathroom to get a pail if she had to throw up, when i got back in her room,she was dead, i didnt call 911 until it was to late, she died of cardiac arrest within seconds, i have been living with guilt for 11 months and dont believe i can go on much longer, i feel so responsible for her illness and death, i dont know which way to turn, i only feel myself losing any desire for life, i feel i need to be with her, she suffered from her mental illness for 15 years, and was sick most of our marriage, i cannot count the number of times she was hospitalized, but i always took care of her when she was home,i would have never put her in a nursing home no matter how long she lived or how ill she became, i just dont understand why she died so quickly, and if i would have clled 911 when she told me she was having trouble breathing, if they could have saved her, i feel responsible for her death and will till the day i die, since her death all i can think of are the times i hurt her,the affair, i dont think she knew but i am not sure, and the times i argued with her over small things, i miss her more than i ever realized possible, and each day that passes, i feel myself leaning more and more to ending my life, she loved me with all her heart and would write me letters telling me how much i meant to her, i would find the letters on the table when i got home from work, when she was ill with C.B.I. she had a difficult time expressing her feelings, so she wrote me letters, when i read these letters, my heart just breaks, she was a wonderful wife, but now i felt i didnt return the love she felt for me, but now there is nothing i can to about it, all i care about is being with her, nothing else matters anymore.

[puffmika]

i do know what you are golng though ilost my wife jan 21 2010 i came home from work its been all most 2 years and its like its the same day over god help you and me as it not life anymore i hope you are doing better then me

[shishupal]

.....thanks for your sympathetic words, may God bless you and your son and give enough strenght to cope with your loss. indeed spouse loss is horrible, the feeling of not able to save her will never go away......

PS: I have taken up meditation and yoga to keep my mind and body in tact...

Br.....

[29sillygirl]

emails are blocked in posts.  You can send a PM and give friends your email that way.
  

My heartfelt sympathy to you both. A therapist told me Tuesday that the hardest loss anyone can have is death of a spouse or child.

I am in early stages of grief over son's death.  His father murdered him March 6.  The other son who was with them is alive after three bullets were removed from his body.  He may lose one foot.  

I know suffering is part of life, but also know that we can find hope in the darkest moments.  I look for small things to comfort me.  My prayers and love to you both.

[shishupal]

oh God, why there is so much pain and suffering... sure we can talk and email. pls indicate your mailid

Br.

[ladyhelp]

I am sorry for your lost. I lost my husband in May of 09, and I had a 5 year old, 4 year old, 2 1/2 year old, and a 9 week old baby.  I understand alittle about how you feel.
If you ever what to talk you can email me at ***@****.


ladyhelp

[shishupal]

...thanks Judy for your kind words, I know there is much more suffiering in this world than what me and my kid are coping with. We have to take some lessons from people like you.. it hurts but this is what destiny has for us as of now, strange thing is one can never justify his position...

Rgds,

Shishupal

[Judy246]

It's a great loss. A life changing loss, but within time, life will fall back into place, but it is a very painful journey. I recommend that you always talk to someone about how you are feeling. We are here for you also and I recommend that you contact your physician and tell him/her that the passing of your wife has left you in a debilitating depression and you will be amazed how understanding he/she will be and will prescribe the proper medication to help with the depression. You do not have to live your life with depression. It is very treatable and you will feel better and be able to function one step at a time. I had 7 deaths in 8 months and I had to be put on antidepressant for just a short while. Looking back I call it the miracle pill, because he helped with my brain imbalance and I was able to grieve my losses, yet cope. Good Luck and we are here if you just want to express yourself or talk.   Judy

[shishupal]

...indeed this is really really terrible, first of all spouse loss in itself is too big to handle at any age, to further add to the misery is how this loss happened.....

...may God give strength everyone fighting this menace called "depression" to atleast think of their loved ones miseries after their death...I am sure this itself can change minds.

shishupal

[PromisedLand]

That is the best way to handle it...day by day....my heart goes out to you and your kid..this has to be terrible on you.

Jim

[shishupal]

...the situation is quite strange, even after four months of her death, if feels like she is still around and will call me sometime. Am not sure if this is normal? I am following a regular yoga and meditation regime to keep myself mentally fit to take care of my kids needs. the problem is that there is no clarity on future, how are we going to manage our lives? Still living life minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day!!

Rgds,

Shishupal

[shishupal]

...many thanks for your comments, may GOD never put anyone in kind of situation we are, the feeling of loss just can't be overcome, this has to be felt for rest of my life atleast. me and my kid are doing quite ok in managing our daily lives and yes we do discuss and miss his mother almost daily...

thanks again

Shishupal

[remar]

Your welcome. I have not lost a spouse, my husband, so I can not imagine what your going through. I did lose my father many years ago and the pain has never left me. I do have wonderful memories of him that I cherish.
This will take time and it will get better. Love your son with everything in you and don't let a day go by without telling him how you feel.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. Remar

[shishupal]

Thanks to all of you for the encouraging thougts, especially for sharing the thoughts of a person who commits or intends to commit suicide. I think healing will take it's time, and there can't be a short cut. Me and my kid will have to go through this phase. I feel sad for my kid, but am doing evrything possible to keep him happy. He is a strong boy and in fact the source of energy for me. He is my little GOD who is keeping me going during these times.

Thanks again for your toughts and prayers,

Shishupal

[Judy246]

My deepest condolences on the untimely passing of your wife. Remar, when a person commits suicide, it is because they did not have the necessary coping skills to which in reality was a temporary situation. Her action was not your fault and in reality it was not her fault either, because she was ill. I attempted suicide at the age of 17. I spent 1 week in the intensive care unit in a comatose state. As a foolish teenager, I got angry at a boyfriend and took every pill I could find. I had to have my stomach pump every hour and it was a painful experience then went into a coma state. When I finally recovered and realized what I had done had great regret and promised never to attempt against my life.  You must forgive her for the decision and choice that she made. I am Christian and believe in God. I believe that God is loving, merciful and forgiving. If you feel it necessary to seek counseling to deal with the after affect of suicide, please do so, but forgive her and pray for her and you now have a child that will need you now more than ever. It's going to be ok, one day at a time and I will keep you, your wife and your child in my thoughts and prayers.

[lboogie7729]

Hi shishupal, I'm so sorry for your loss. Suicide is a subject that has always been an issue for me. I'm remar's daughter, the poster above me who said don't blame yourself. She's had to watch me go through 3 suicide attempts (that she knew of at the time) and the last one almost took me out last year. I have a mom and grandma who mean everything to me and I have a very privileged life, but I've battled depression and anxiety since I was a kid and nothing they could have done could have stopped me from trying to hurt myself. It really isn't your fault, believe me, because I know it was no one's fault that I did the things I did. Sometimes it is a matter of a chemical imbalance. I've had suicidal tendencies for as long as I can remember and they were there regardless of my life situation.
Counseling is a must for you and your child and a support group may be very helpful. You may have to get on meds for a while to be able to function with the amount of grief that you are dealing with. My mom and I are here if you need or want to talk. Try to take care of yourself and your child and get help because no one should have to go through this alone. Again I am so sorry that this happened.

[remar]

No, you are not responsible for what happened. Please don't blame yourself.
When someone is extremely depressed they just want the pain to stop. They don't want to hurt their loved ones. They just want the terrible depression to go away and sometimes people do that by suicide.
I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this. I think it would be a good idea for both of you to get counseling to help deal with your loss. You might want to find a grief support group in your area too. Take care. Remar