Will this ever get better?

[PamWire]

I'm 16 yrs old in December. I was adopted at 18 months old. My adopted mom died when I was 8 yrs old. Its been almost 8 yrs and I still have the feeling that she abandoned me when I truly needed her. After she left I don't truly begin to understand what her death meant until I was 12 yrs old. At 8 yrs old I learned how to use this switch where I can make most of my emotions almost stop. But I flipped the switch back after I almost killed my sister. But my grieving for my mom seems to have just recently begun when I realized she was gone for good and never coming back. I continue to blame God. I sometimes hate God for taking her away before I ever really got to know her. I don't remember her at all. Will I ever heal from this? With the knowledge that I didn't truly know her so it made me think that maybe I shouldn't mourn her death. And my biological parents seemed to have been a big issue for my mom before she died. My brother told her a week before she got put into the hospital that he wiser she was dead. Sometimes I think he jinxed her. Other times I think it was my fault for not being a good daughter. Then I think that it was God. He stole her from me. Can someone tell me how to understand all this? Please?

[macey111]

When my grandpa died (moms dad) I hadnt really dealed with loosing a loved one before. I was older than you though when my grandpa left. I like you didnt understand it then and now that my dads gone I dont understand it even more now. I remember feeling angry all the time for taking my grandpa. I came to the point where I even felt like I hated god. For so long I felt this way. I was very unhappy. I came to realize my grandpa lived a long life. I was greatful for that and for all the time we had with him. Now my dad is gone and the hurt is even greater now. Im older now and I still cant come to understand why god called for him.I saw my angel slowly fly away with my very eyes. I understand where your coming from. Im 39 yrs of age and Ive still needed my dad for so many things. I go to church every now and then I know I need/want god in my life. By going there I feel at peace even though I end up crying cus I ask for the impossible (I want my daddy back). I realize and honestly believe we will see him ones again sometime in the near future. As you too will see your mom. Sometimes we find it hard to have faith. I was told "god doesnt set things in our path if he didnt think we could handle it". I know its easier set than done..be strong keep your head up high with your feet firm on the ground be the kinda of young lady you know your mom wouldve liked for you to be. Take care :)

[Adventuress]

You are totally welcome.  

I'm glad you came here for advice.  I'm relatively new to posting but it has helped me a bunch.  

Any time you want to bring up a topic there's caring folks who have lived through a lot themselves, like me, and we know that it's not always easy.  

Thing is to find the good and live fully and engaged rather than cruising along and letting "stuff" get us down.  At times, yes, we have to process and slow down to a screeching halt, but then we heal and move forward.Sometimes we make a mistake or get off a constructive path.  Yet there's always a ways back.  Forgiveness, loyalty, perseverence, peace, gratitude, kindness (plus more) all are attributes you can cultivate and strive to be the best you can be no matter what the circumstance or the people who are in/out of your life.  

Here's to you accepting your emotions, embracing the bad with the good and forging ahead to experience all there is out there, knowing the best is yet to come and there's so many reasons to love life and those you are blessed to have come walk along beside you, if only for a time.

[PamWire]

Thanks for everything guys. And I hope you're advice and helpfulness will help me majorly.

[Adventuress]

Dear Pam. Losing a loved one especially when young as yourself is so traumatic and my heart feels your pain. Since you initially believed she abandoned you sounds like you in turn shut off emotions to avoid experiencing pain. We need our emotions and our mind to reason or think things through so we can try to understand Bette and cope with life and all the challenges we face. We all suffer loss at some point.

My mom was around as I grew up but had 8 children a job too and a social life. Always wanted her to spend time with me or make me a priority but alas she was busy and it took me like 30 years to accept how things were and forgive her and myself for all the negative stuff.  Think before that. I suppressed my emotions and didn't want to face them.

When you experience anger and sadness please be a friend to yourself and allow your feelings to surface so that you can heal. Hopefully you can talk things through with someone or try writing in a journal as ut can be very therapeutic to put thoughts out in written form ( like doing here). .

Relieving stress and anxiety by exercising and taking good care of yourself is also helpful.

There are many people in need. If you are able to take focus off yourself at times and show kindness to others through actions, words, etc., really believe many blessings will return to you. There is so much good to see if we only look up rather than down to see the beauty around us.

But cry when you need to. It is very healing to your spirit. Laugh often and experience joy whenever possible. Life is precious and is meant to be embraced. Live sweetly and boldly and bravely my dear. Your mom would want you to be happy and will always be a part of you in your heart.

Ahug to you with love. <3

[PamWire]

No. But I will be.

[ROSYouralright]

U ok?

[PamWire]

Ok. Thanks

[MarkLakewood3367]

I think that you are on the right path after having sought counseling.  I strongly recommend that you discuss these feelings with your counselor.  I know that you're going through some major issues right now but nothing anyone can post in a forum could substitute for what a counselor can provide you.

[PamWire]

I've been in counseling ever since it happened but I still haven't really gotten ahold of things. Its hard. And it seems to just get worse.

[ROSYouralright]

Sweetie one thing I know for sure is that it was not your fault and your brother didn't jinx her. Death is hard and everyone grieves un their own way... You have every right to mourn your mom. I'm sure she wouldn't want to see you hurting so bad. Have you received any counseling? Their are many great grief counselors that can help you sort through your feelings. It's ok to tell God that you are angry. He will never stop loving you! Please look into counseling honey. I think it will take a tremendous load off of your shoulders.