Grief worse than when hubby died

[StellaLunadeBat]

My husband died on April 30, 2009 after a long battle with diabetes.  He'd lost both feet, neuropathy in both hands, congestive heart failure, kidney failure loss of bowel control, and two days before his death he was told he would lose two fingers on his right hand due to loss of circulation.  His heart was only at 40% when admitted to the hospital, and the hospital got me out of bed to let me know he was unresponsive and had been revived twice.  I sat with him for two hours until his poor heart gave out ... held his hand, told him how much I loved him.  The grief was bad, but I'd had so much advance notice of his death that I felt at peace.

Now, a month later, it's come crashing back down.  On top of that, I wonder now if he really loved me ... if he did, why did he recklessly abuse his health rather than maintain even a modestly healthy lifestyle?  He demanded premier medical care, but refused to cooperate with his caregivers.  I look at his picture now and know that I loved him -- something he frequently doubted -- but I wonder if he had the capability of loving me in return, given how much havoc he wreaked on our lives.

His friend deserted him because of his refusal to care for himself -- I was the only one left.  And now they wonder why I'm so heartbroken.  They feel like I should be relieved -- which in many ways I am -- but don't understand that no matter how difficult he was, I loved my husband, and I miss him so much.;

Any help would be appreciated.

[mammo]

Your husband loved you.  I am going thru the same thing with my 61 year old husband who has diabetes, and uncontrolled high blood pressure, and very overweight.  He takes all his meds but won't change his eating habits, and thinks a pill should do the job.  Our children have been very angry at him for not taking better care of himself, but I decided he is an adult and must make his own decisions.  I have never doubted his love for me, and do not understand why he is so stubborn.  He's had numerous surgeries for PAD, and all is getting worse.  I would never abandon my husband, and will always love him.  I eat healthy, and am healthy, but he has to make his own choices.  I'm not going to add nagging to his problems.  I did at one time, but realized it was futile.  Don't doubt your husband's love for you, and you grieve any way you feel fit to.  What do his friends feel they accomplished by abandoning him?  They should have encouraged him and when they saw it was doing no good, just being there for him would have been nice.  I try not to judge people who are sick, and their decisions, as I don't know what they may be thinking.  I'm sure it does get to a point where one feels, why fight it, I'm suffering and going to die anyway.  We don't know why, and never will.  Be happy that you were the one "constant" in his life, his beacon in the night.  You were there till the very end, how could he not love you?  I can understand that you are relieved that he no longer suffers, but he was still your husband, shared happy times, don't allow him to only be identified by his illness, but by the man you fell in love with.

[henry576]

I understand your hurt and questioning of "did he really love me" because why do they destroy their bodies prematurely?  My brother slowly destroyed himself over a 15 year period with hard drug abuse.   I loved him dearly and he was only 36.  But if he loved us why did he torture us with his petty theft, breaking into windows when we locked him out, and stealing cars to drive and get his "fixes".  Sometimes I am so angry at him and GOD over this, but then i coil over in guilt when io remember the good side of him.  He was gentle at times.  He was apologetic most of the time, and ashamed of his actions.

This is so difficult.

Hank

[Caroline565]

My husband died 5 months ago from a massive heart attack which I was told, was related to his diabetes. He monitered his blood sugars very closely taking blood tests six to ten times a day.(he was on the pump) He saw an endocrinologist, a nephrologist and a retinologist routinely. He was on several medications for bp and high cholesterol and everything looked great as far as the testing results went. His cholesterol was really good-in the 140's I believe. He did not see a podiatrist regularly but checked his feet all the time and went whenever necessary.

He ate the right things--he was on a meal plan with about 2400 cal. a day. We watched our fat intake, and I must say, he rarely cheated with anything.

I am telling you all this because even with the best of care, diabetes is a killer. I can understand how you feel he was responsible for shortening his own life and the unfairness to you. Often times it causes a whole lot of damage before the person is even aware they have it, and I believe it is often the case especially with Type II. His doc told him it can take ten years--especially in my husband's case where the pancreas totally stops functioning.

I just want to say I am sorry for your loss. It is difficult to watch someone that fails to take this disease seriously and you have paid the price as you witnessed his suffering. It's not an easy thing to watch. I hope that in time you will find some peace with this.

[star641]

sorry i meant to tell the other lady grammagorge she was married for 44 years and im sure her husband loved her very much to ,.....i put that one in with what i said to Stella ,
anyway im so sorry for the both of you ,......

[star641]

im so sorry for your loss ,.......can i say im sure that your husband loved you he was a sick man after all !,....you say he didn't look after himself all men !i know are like that
my husband never will go to our g.p. if he is sick! ,...he will complain !but wont go !,
Ive come to understanding its a man thing ,...but i know he still loves me ,
your husband was very sick and he knew that !,...he could of had  have some depression over it ! that would be enough to make him not want to help himself ,!..so please dont be thinking in that way he loved !!!you very much! you where there with him till the end !!of his beginning !!he is with god !!now and he will love!! you till you meet again !!,...you said you where married for 44 years!! yes i think he loved you very much  ,

[Beachwalker33]

Stella,
         Pray to God to feel your heart with happy memories.Often people that our very caring when it comes to other people,just don't care for or about themselves.He didn't realize how him not caring for himself hurt others,trust me on this.All the pain you witnessed him go through near the end was his life lesson,he unfortunately learned it the hard way.And I'm so sorry that you had to see that.I believe he had to endure that pain to earn his wings,his place in heaven.Don't doubt his love for you.I certainly don't have any doubt that you loved him after reading your words.Grieving is a process,it is a very personal thing.We all take it in our own way.You may feel angry with him,its completely normal.Don't ever feel guilty for your feelings are yours,and don't be afraid to feel them,just try not to let them consume you.Everynight before you go to bed,relax,aromatherapy,soothing music,whatever it takes.Give your husband a break.Do you think if he could have looked into the future and seen that what he was doing would have cost him his life in this way he would have continued to do it,and would have purposely caused you this pain,of course not.Tell yourself I choose to move on,be happy,and forgive my husband,and just try your best with faith and hope to start a new life,I know its far from easy,but you seen what your husband endured and your still here,stronger for it! You deserve a happy life,live it to its fullest with joy and through prayer you will in time move on.You can't change any of what has occured so just let it go! God bless,Jen P.S. I wish I could give you my shoulder to cry on or a loving hug!

[Judy246]

My mother died of Congestive Heart Failure and the diabetes filled her lungs with fluid. She died as I held her and it breaks my heart to know she died suffocated, unable to breath, follwed by a heart attack. I will never be the same. It's was an ordeal that you wish on no one.

Your loss is so recent and there is a lot ahead. It will be necessary to experience the stages of the grief process in order to heal. There is no time table on this process.
What has happened in the past is the past. Let it go. Although your husband did not take care of himself as he should have, he still loved you unconditionally, so don't torment yourself with the "what if", or "If only I would have"....it will drive you crazy.

He is resting in peace and no longer suffering from that horrible diabetes that is so distructive. It's understandably to feel anger. I am a faithful Christian as my mother was and it is the first time that I experienced such anger towards God. Who am I to question, doubt or judge the almighty, yet, I asked, "Why did my mother have to die", "Why did she have to die first and the way she did?".  I asked God, how could he do this to me and my family.  It has been 2 yrs. and it means nothing to me. It is as if she died a week ago and I will never get over losing my mom, but I will accept what I can't change. I am finally beginning to feel human again, but it has been a journey from hell.

You will always love your husband unconditionally as he did you and it serves no purpose to you or him to question the past. What is done is done and you must forgive him for not taking better care of himself and you must forgive yourself for doubting yourself. Celebrate his life and all the good things you both share. He is not too far in spirit, but a transition away, so he want's you simply "live"....it will be ok, one step and day at a time.  Judy

[grammageorge]

I can relate to your feelings.  My husband died less than 2 weeks ago of lung cancer which spread to his brain.  Of course the main cause was cigarette smoking for many years.  He would not listen to anyone to quit or even cut back on his smoking, but finally did when he was diagnosed - too late. We were married for 44 years.  I loved him dispite how difficult and stubborn he could be and took care of him til the end.  I now wonder if he loved me and our kids because he refused to care for himself and left all of us heartbroken and in grief including sweet grandchildren.  He was only 66 years old. I am grieving because I loved him, miss him but I am also angry as hell at him.  Gramma George