Whats normal?

Question

This is a two fold problem. My daughters partner was killed in a car crash mid Sept 07 She is 25 and he was 27yrs.They were together three and a half yrs.Things were a bit troubled a few weeks prier to the accident but I feel they would have sorted it out. Since he died she never cries,at least not in front of us.Has a happy front all the time. She is still in their app but wont let us vist. (we were visting the night of the accident and were there when the police came)She has every excuse not to vist or come home to vist which she regularly did before. She is working full time as a nurse and attenting collage to do her Masters two days a week. She is also seeing some one since Oct. From what Im told he is a lovely man.We havnt been introduced yet. She pnones every night for a quick chat. But wont talk about him. She has told me she has bad nightmares,wakes up in the livingroom, looking for him,but thats about it.Also, there was no body.It burnt in the fire. I cant believe I just wrote that. Thats the next problem,me. My heart is broken over this. I loved that boy like he was mine.We had a very good relationship.But as is the world, time passes and you are not allowed talk about it any more.I dont want this to sound wrong but any talk or comfort given to me was as a mother,not someone who had lost a darling friend.I think I just wanted to  share with someone for a minute. Thanks.cath278

Cath278 · Answer

Hi Natasha 59. Thank you for your very helpful suggestion.Its true the were not married yet but to them and us and the "bill people" they were.It really has been a mess trying to sort out the legal side of things. Everything was in both thier names. Who would have thought that getting a new cell phone could cause so much trouble?Thats just an example. Of course it didnt help that my daughter was not telling anyone that he was dead. They only found out in collage at Christmas.its all abit of a mess but we are getting there. His parents are wonderful people,we were friends before this but we are having a few problems there as well. Not that i blame them, not for a minute. They have included my daughter in everything and are trying to help with the money side but, and you csn understand it, they are trying to "Keep" her.I find myself overly involved with them to make up for her. The Mom vists me a lot with ideas to make life nicer for my daughter. For example, she sent her a  huge bouquet of flowers to her work for Valentines day. Because he would have. It would just break your heart. We havnt told her yet she is seeing someone new. I cant. Its not my place. I know that this woman would do her best to embrace this new person but my daughter says no, not yet.
 This was just meant to be a thank you note but it really does seem to flow from me at the moment.Sorry for going on about it. I will defintly give her the web site page. Im sure it will be a great help to her (and me)

Im so sorry that you have had such loss and pain in one so young. You are a very brave and good person to reach out and try to help us. I hope your pain has eased some what so you can learn to live again.Some one with such a good heart should not be on thier own. I will keep you in my prayers and if I can help you in any way let me know. Im a good listener.Cath278

Natasha59 · Answer

Hi Cath:

I've been a young widow for four plus years now, and I just wanted to suggest that you give your daughter a website for young widows: it's at www.ywbb.org. 

It's a site that will help her deal with the waves, the ups and downs, and, well, just the  mess that is young widowhood. Because they were going through a rough patch, she might well have some added complexity to her grief. I know they weren't married yet, but many of us there were not yet married.

I wish you and your daughter a measure of peace today. Be gentle with yourselves.

ParamedFlorena · Answer

(((HUGS)))

It sounds like you really have things going full speed over there! (Yep it is over there - I see you're just a toss of a stone out the ocean here - I'm from Norway).

I think a little of your sister and not talking. That was like when my sister moved to Denmark - we've never talked as much on the phone as we did then. She moved back to Norway and started settling for a family - she got married this August to the most wonderful guy in the world (ok, except from my husband of course). I didn't want to add to her stress and keep calling her as often as we usually had done and now... I do send an SMS to my stepmother now and then. Last was New Year's Eve? I know, I take too much for granted but it is starting to change.

I'm sorry that you're so sick. I snuck over to your profile. Sounds like that gives some worries for sure! How's the treatment going?

Florena

Cath278 · Answer

I swear to God, this was the best thing I ever did!(post my worries) I am so grateful for all your kind words and support. I ve really had a bad few months with the two berrevments (my youngst sister lost her baby at eight ans half months in the womb and is not talking to me) I also found out that im sick. Tell you more later. Again thank you! Cath

ParamedFlorena · Answer

I'm so glad that it was possible to talk about it. Even if it maybe feels like everything changed that night that he died, you two are still the same persons - except that you lost someone dear. It will never be too late to talk about it or to bring it up again. Your lives changed that day.

Kande - it is probably VERY true that we all have our ways to deal with things. Us who have jobs where you see death as a normal part of life, deals a little bit different with it - even if we do react in all situations where death occurs! Don't mistake me there. I don't know how to describe that really - I know I told someone today that when age and fully experienced life comes to an end, it really is a lot easier for every person  - relative, friend etc - involved.

When the chronology is stirred, we react.

Have a good day
Florena

Kande · Answer

Hello again, Thank you for your sweet note. It just thrills my heart that you and your daughter talked, cried, worked this situation out. I'am honored to have been a part of it. It is much easier for someone outside of the situation to see what is going on. But the both of you are the "Heros,"you worked it all out. Now the true healing can begin. God Bless You Both!  Kande

Cath278 · Answer

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts! I was having a really bad day yesterday and as it turns out so was my daughter.She phoned last night and we talked and cried for an hour.We both feel better for it. She is an amazing girl,we are so proud of her and all she has achieved.Kande,what you said made complete sense. She does approach everything in a professional manner( you should have seen her with the police!) and has applied this to her loss.She is happy with this new boy but feels it is just that,a bit of happiness in her life.She feels she will never love someone again like him. They were pretty special together,just so got each other.But I have told her that more love comes if your heart is open to it. It wont be like before but still great. She has been trying to mind me, God love her.I try tp live by the rule,one bad day never two in a row. So the mood is back up today thanks in part to you two. It would have to make you feel better about the world to know that there are lovely people like you in it! I really hope your worlds are happy and if you ever need some support just call. Happy thoughts on the way to you.... cath278

Kande · Answer

Hi cath, I have an idea that maybe because your daughter is a nures, she is dealing with this loss in a professional way. Maybe she doesn't realize she is handling it so different than you are. Nurses are very strong matter of fact people...they have to be. This strong personality may have spilled over into her personal life. Or maybe she knows how much you cared for him and doesn't want to upset you by talking about him. I really feel for her! I believe she is trying to set a good example for you...like I can take it mom, so you can make it to. Bless her heart. Just a thought.  Kande

jml1986 · Answer

It was a loss to you as well and is okay for you to grieve him too. We all grieve in our own way and I would guess that your daughter is just not ready to do that. As for you, I think that talking about him is okay, even if it makes others uncomfortable. You were very close to this young man and you will miss him, so give yourself permission to grieve him so that you can move forward and embrace your daughter and her new relationship.