Loving someone who is grieving

[caraif]

Hi there...I'm reaching out to anyone that has gone through what I'm going through. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months.  The first two months were amazing.  He was totally into me and not afraid to show it, he was happy and so was I.  Then things took a complete 180.  He became distant, I had to initiate sex, and he was more closed about his feelings for me.  And this all happened around the anniversary of his brother's death which happened 7 years prior - two weeks before Christmas.  Died at the age of 16 in a fatal car accident leaving John an only child.  There's more unfortunately.  Just after New Year's (about one month ago) things were slowly taking a turn for the better between us until half way through January, his mother died of a heart attack at 58 - one day before his brother's birthday.  So it's been a month and he is still grieving, but he has pretty much cut me out of his life.  He says he has a fear of loss and doesn't know how long it will take him to recover or if it will help us.  So my question is should I hang on and for how long?  It's breaking my heart to see him in pain and I want to help him, but he won't let me. Do I cut my losses?  On top of it, his father and him do not get along well.  The family has been through so much turmoil for seven years.  I on the other hand come from a very stable household and have never experienced this level of grief. Would love your thoughts..and thank you

[Joshaz]

I had a situation in reverse. It was my partner who just left me when my mum died. We just starting doing distance, and I helped her moved there and had an intention to follow. The next day, mum died and I came back to my home town. She did not want to be there for me, and broke up. It seems she already has a new partner and Im so confused. When we first started dating, it was all her doing stuff for me and me secretly getting over my ex before her who was my first. Then I got my act together in the 2 months prior to mum passing, and did almost everything for her. I guess she like my happy and charismatic attributes and she felt I changed because of mum and did not want to be there for me. I hate I still love her and see things from her perspective, but the nail on the coffin was me asking her lady friends for advice to which the girlfriend was angered I would go to them and reveal our privacy. I hate that I still love her, I hate that I lost mum and Im distracted by a woman who does not want me yet I can see no wrong in her, no matter how she arguably hurt me.

[Joshaz]

I had a situation in reverse. It was my partner who just left me when my mum died. We just starting doing distance, and I helped her moved there and had an intention to follow. The next day, mum died and I came back to my home town. She did not want to be there for me, and broke up. It seems she already has a new partner and Im so confused. When we first started dating, it was all her doing stuff for me and me secretly getting over my ex before her who was my first. Then I got my act together in the 2 months prior to mum passing, and did almost everything for her. I guess she like my happy and charismatic attributes and she felt I changed because of mum and did not want to be there for me. I hate I still love her and see things from her perspective, but the nail on the coffin was me asking her lady friends for advice to which the girlfriend was angered I would go to them and reveal our privacy. I hate that I still love her, I hate that I lost mum and Im distracted by a woman who does not want me yet I can see no wrong in her, no matter how she arguably hurt me.

[Love_My_SeaBee]

Hi There.. I know what you are going through..
My boyfriend and I have Been Together for 7 months and On May 11 2008 his dad died of Congetive heart failure and when we started dating i found this out
but after a few months he told me more and more about how he feels and all
and told me that im one reason for him to live
then on April 30th 2009, His 18th Birthday his mom passed away from the same thing his dad died from... he was devastated and we had prom on may 2 and it was very hard to make him smile a real smile... but he has gotten better over the last 4 months
he did not tell me much of anything in the first 2 months after his mothers death but he slowly became more open.. he still is closed up a bit but i just give him time and some space
we have been through a lot together and I know that we both need each other so much...
so my advice is to give him some more time and let him have his space..
and most of all try to make him laugh
this is what he needs more than anything.. he does not want you to sympathize and pity him he needs you to make him laugh..
thats what my boyfriend told me when he was with his brother who was here from MN and he said that he is so glad his brother came down cuz he really needed someone to make him laugh... everyone was sad for him but what fed his sanity was laughter and jokes! If you care for him enough then you wont leave him so soon.. you'll wait it out.
im not sure he'll be able to suffer from yet another loss if you decide to break up with him right now.. everyone has a different grieving time period so i say wait at least 2-3 months and tell him that you dont know what he is feeling but someday would like if he enlightened you a bit and that you are there for him.. and then say something sarcastic or funny to get him to laugh

i wish you the best of luck

[Dan_Da_Man]

I have an almost identical experience. My ex lost the father of her son when she was just 8 weeks pregnant. We'd been togethor for 5 months and had a few issues but both of us had said we were committed to fixing them. I was pouring my guts into it but she kept finding new issues. She got distant both physically and emotionally and the more I asked what the problem was the angrier it seemed to make her. Then one day she rang up stressing over money (which was not an issue) and accusing me of getting a free ride off her which was way off the mark. Anyway things blew over after a few days and she tells me that the real reason was that she thinks she might need to grieve the lost partner (dec for 4 years)  I fully understand that but just wish she would let me be in her life still even if I had to maintain a certain emotional distance to give her the space she needs. The fact that I have grown to love her son like my own really complicates things.

Has anyone exxperienced anything like this? Is there a chance for our relationship? And would it be a healthy one? Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated.  

[Palucci]

I can identify with you.  My girlfriend took me home to meet her mom and attend a family wedding. Meeting her mom was her final request before moving forward with our relationship of nine months. Her son died unexpectedly the month before. I was there for her 24/7 and she said she wouldn't have made it through the ordeal without me. I was considered family and we all pulled together to work through the grieving process together.  We took her son's ashes on the trip to spread them at his favorite places.  Four days into the trip she did a 180.  I was treated as if I was invisible and told not to kiss her or touch her. This went on for the rest of the trip and has been the same since we returned home.  I am invisible to her and any attempt to communicate is met with anger.  She has not said the relationship is over but needs time and space.  If this is not about me, why am I receiving all the hate and discontent.  She seems to interact normally with everyone else.  I've been told she needs me and should just wait and I've been told to run.  Like you I am confused but am also encouraged by the replys you have received

[Mikeinthesouth]

Stand behind him even if he says nothing be there for him hang in there. I lost my best friend my sister in the prime of life two years ago. I don't talk either and will see if I can type more than a line about it. My wife was there with me as we lost her she was there for me during the services and is there for me now. I say every now and again to her I miss my sister alot. Then thats all I can say and she don't question she looks at me and I can see and she sees what I am saying without all that. Good for now I guess. I would trade places in a minute if I could with my sister. Hang in there don't give in its easier to not say anything at times at least I feel that way for now. Take Care!! I post this to you in memory of my sister as she'd want me to pass something along maybe help you see better whaty grief  is so you can be there for your bf

[Abbey40]

Hello caraif, I agree with both of the posts ahead of me. I think you should just be there for him. I myself am no stranger to death. I have lost 2 sons, and both of my parents. I think of all of them everyday. No one knows I do, but the pain is always there. It is good that your boyfriend is working thru this. Hard for you, but he must heal. Men try to be strong and sometimes because of that it is hard for them to deal with death. They think if they cry it is a sign of weakness...it isn't. I myself try to put on a brave front. At my dads funeral I managed to stand beside my dads casket and not shed a tear for 4 hours. I  wanted my dad to be proud of me ,that I managed to be strong. I got thru it only because I wanted my family to think I was alright, and again make dad proud. That wasn't the smartest thing to do, I had surgery a few months before and nearly collapsed after the funeral. My doctors were very angry with me, they know all my secrets and have helped me deal with things better. So just have big shoulders for awhile, and help him heel...he needs you.  Abbey

[ParamedFlorena]

Hi dear!

When it comes to grief, it really starts changes in us. The changes take a lot of time and a lot of thinking. Maybe your loved is trying to figure what his grief really is now - if it is about the tragic loss of his brother, the unexpected loss of his mother and now even how his relationship to his father is changing.
Grief of one person comes up with a new loss - whether it is family or a friend or even separation. It becomes complicated. That is where you can come in to help him.

I know that every Christmas, my grief strikes a little bit more. I miss my mother even more and anything could remind me of her. She passed away in September 20 years ago so it bothers me that I still think of her as much when the time of the year is supposed to be about joy, happiness and time with family.

Let him take the baby-steps and help him but don't push him. If he is sad and feel abandoned by his family, let him know that you haven't left him. Help him with expressing the sadness, and give yourself allowance to get emotional or worried too. You are two through this.

My best wishes to you both,
Florena

[jml1986]

How sad for you and your boyfriend. As hard as it is, he really does need you right now. He also needs to get some counseling. It is very hard to get through the loss of a loved one and then to be hit with another one is devestating. You are dealing with something you have no clue what you are up against. His fear of loss really needs to be addressed. It is very common in people who have experienced such great loss but he really needs to work through it with a grief counselor. There really is no telling you what you can do to help him. We all grieve in our own ways and so it is hard to pen it down and tell you what would be the best thing for him. For me it was talking. I needed to talk and I needed someone to listen, even if I said the samething a hundred times, I just wanted to talk. My husband said that he felt so helpless because he could not make it better, but he really did make it better by listening to me. What you need to know is that you can only help him if he lets you. Just don't let yourself get hurt while being there for him.