So long ago and still......

[TT1979]

so sad :(  I lost my momma in 2007 to cancer. At that time I had my 2 boys that were 5 and almost 4. That week she died I conceived my daughter and she will be 2 end of June. I so miss her. How my heart aches for her. Since she died my sister and I don't talk. I have no idea why but that her boyfriend is no friend of mine as he is very controlling and mentally abusive. My father who was an alcoholic throughout their 37 year marriage found a "new woman" and is forcing her on us. He has since had police called to his home and even spent a night in jail over it. I know....so much drama but it makes me realize how momma kept the peace. I have such deep dark depression and thoughts sometimes that it scares me. Without her it just seems like it can't be right. My momma lost her momma at about the same age. I worry that I am going to be leaving my kids soon. Cancer is just rampant on the womens side of my mothers family. I am so lost and that is even with the love and support of my husband. I just want to have life back the way it was.........i know it can't be and that just about kills me. I watched The Lovely Bones the other day and I so hope that my momma is in her own perfect heaven :)  I hold such guilt wishing her to go on. She was suffering and I held her hand and told her it was time to go and she died 20 mins later. So weird b/c my dad was obnoxiously snoring in the recliner and so suddenly got quiet....within seconds she squeezed our hands and a single tear rolled down her face, it was over. Just like that. It was over. I so miss her and I wish it was me sometimes if it weren't for my kids. If you read all of this thank you b/c I really need to vent and get it out. Not sure what I am supposed to do now. Its been 2 1/2 yrs and still feeling sad. More bearable but still it's hard :(

[29sillygirl]

My son was murdered by his father on March 6 of this year, so I am slowly working through a different grief process.  I want you to believe, as Judy has said better than I can, that the most loving thing we can do is to  thank our loved ones who pass for what they gave us while here, and let them go with love.  

Your last words to your mom were her comfort: she could let go and pass.  As I was not in the place where my son was shot, I have to live with the ugly images and words.  My job is to blow them out of my mind, and focus on my beautiful son, who would absolutely not want me to sit in my apt. depressed.  In my case the night both sons were shot, I felt a wind pass through me.  I knew it was Brooks' spirit leaving his body: his way of saying 'so long for now, mom'.

At the time newscasters were uncertain as to details.  It could have been my eldest son, Lindsay, who died.  But in that moment all doubt left me: it was Brooks' who spoke to me.  I only mention this to tell you that those who love us will do what they can to help us who are still on our life's journey.

Until i mentioned this to a grief counselor Tuesday I thought I might have imagined it.  She said it is a common spiritual experience.  It was wonderful to talk with her now that several weeks have passed.  I am so glad I made the effort (had to take a cab I was so anxious:)).  

The last thing I have to share is that words can have a powerful negative effect on those of us who grieve.  Yesterday for some odd reason, the words " One person was airlifted from property." had the power to send me into tears.  Really really important to replace negativity with positive thoughts.  I have found that going outside to appreciate the beauty of nature brings me close to my son who was an outdoors guy.  

You are going to learn with time what helps and what doesn't.  Death is raw: I agree; the ultimate reality check.  Post here often as you need to.  Writing down your thoughts is a great way to deal with loss.

[Judy246]

I also loss my mother July 19, 2007 to CFH and diabities. As yourself, I was honored and blessed to hold her as she was dying. I prayed out loud to God and told him that I believe, have faith and trusted in Him, to please not let my mom suffered any more and call her home. I whispered in hear ear, "Mom, don't be afraid, I'm here and it's ok to go. Her mom died when she was only 9 and I asked her to go find grandma and grandpa and with those words, she had a fatal heart attack. Please do not feel guilt, because this was both your mom and my mom's time. It has been a life changing, painful journey and I wanted to die and be with my mom. I once went to visit her on my birthday and ended falling on my knees right on top of her grave, wailing in sorrow say, "mommy, where are you, where are you that I can't see you" and there wasn't a single soul to comfort me, so you and I are survivors and this experience will makes us wiser and stronger. I put all my faith in God to help get me through and I also experience intense anger at God for the way my mother died. Time will heal, I promise and it's not your time. Write in a journal a letter to your mom, then write back how she would have responded. You will see her again in God's time and she is in peace and wants you to be in peace also. Death is raw and there is no way around this one, but with faith and hope, you will see her again.

[LindaTX]

I am so sorry about your loss. I too lost my mother to cancer.  I was very close to my mother as I know you were to yours.  I too was holding my mother's hand and told her it was ok to go on.  I feel no guilt over that because I knew she was just holding on for us who were left behind.  As for your sister and your father...I think they are still grieving for her in their own way.  You said you have a very loving and supportive husband and three precious children...you know your mother would want you to keep your focus on them...they all need you and it would honor your mother to teach your children those same family values she taught you. I'm sure you see your mother in all three of your children and the fact that your daughter was conceived close to your mother's death reminds me that my first grandchild, my granddaughter, was conceived that close to my mother's death and it just seems to happen that way in so many families....as one life ends..a new life begins.

[Calamity2]

I read every word and I know exactly what you should do. You mentioned perfect heaven so I'm assuming you believe in God. So my assignment to you is... read the Bible. Feed yourself with scripture from the new testament. Resist the temptation to think even one negative thought. It may seem hard but if you feed yourself a diet of negative thoughts it destroys hope and faith. Replace any attacking negative thought with a positive one immediatly. Refuse to allow the old tapes to run. It takes pratice but you and your family will be healthier for it.