ok...i'll be the first to post

[LIZZIE LOU]

On May 22, 2006 my father passed away.  This came as a huge shock since he had surgery to extend his life.  My dad went in for a heart bypass surgery on April 17th and that started "the end of his life."  It was just one complication after another but he fought like hell to make it...it just didn't happen.
I am 50 years old but have always been daddy's little girl...and I am having such a hard time dealing with his death.  I still can't believe he's gone...not one day has gone by that I haven't cried...I miss him so much.  
I'm hoping that others in the same situation...grieving a loved one...will post on this site.  Maybe we can help each other by being able to talk about it instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.    

[Haremiliana]

Thank you for your kind words, though it gonna be thirteen years in less than a month, his memories and good deeds still fresh in my mind I hope that I can pass on his legacy - helpfull and generous to anyone who needs them. Even though I can still 'see' him acting (he was an actor in the 50's) in his movies it can't be the same. Take care and thank you once again.

[Amaris]

From what I've read with everyone's postings it seems that you never truly get over the loss of someone you love. I hope to one day be able to look at pictures & remember good times without being torn apart. The thing is my mom was petite, blonde hair & bright blue eyes. I look nothing like her complete opposite, but my 5yr old brother is the spitting image of her. I sometimes find myself just staring at him. She lives through him, he was her world.

[Trialanderror]

This is exactly what has pulled me out of permanent grief after a few years -
seeing my dad`s genes in my son. My dad had always been the living example of great health, optimism, charm and a bright mind. Even though we lived continents apart, there was always a strong connection. After I had my first son, he was curious to meet his grandson. When we finally managed to book an overseas flight, I received a phone call a day prior to departure that my dad had passed away due to a heat stroke. It was the worst flight ever, thinking we would not be welcomed by loving family but arrive just in time for my dad`s funeral. In the presence of my baby son I could not let the guards down but the nights were filled with silent tears for the longest time. Later it turned out that all of my overseas relatives had been in amazement how similar my little son was to my dad. Everyone said they felt like one left and one entered the world and they were both the same person. I would have been in denial but the older my son is getting, the more I realize how much genetics have jumped one generation and continue on and on to keep a dad alive. Even if you are not lucky enough to see this circle of life in your own offsprings, it helps tremendously to picture yourself as the carrier of all the good you saw in the parent that passed away. Wishing all of us here to grow with the pain of grief.

[Haremiliana]

My heart goes to all of you , while reading all your posting I can't help crying I lost my grandad who cared for me since I was 3 days old in April 21,1994, till today I still can't get over it, I guess its true about what people says " You miss the person most when they're gone'. As the apple of his eye I wasn't around much (I was a teenager then) too caught up with my adolescent life, he protected me when I was bullied from the school bully, cared for me when I was down with chickenpox etc, I REALLY MISS HIM!

[Mozartcowgirl]

aww well thankyou .. im glad we have met... <]-)

i got my name many years ago.. I ride Equestrian.. plus.. I teach classical theory and piano.. well.. im pregnant now..lol.. so riding is out of the question.. the mozart came from teaching classical theory.. and the cowgirl is because I moved out to arizona..lol.. i was in the ERCA for a few years.. and i ran barrels... and i did some rescue race as well.. got on a bull ONCE.. and wont EVER do that again..lol.....

[LIZZIE LOU]

thanks...just being able to finally talk about it helps so much...I try not to let my family see my suffering...especially my mom, who is also having a hard time...they were married for 57 years.
I don't know if I could do it if I were in your shoes...you must be so strong!  

your name is so unusual...mozartcowgirl...it's cute...any story behind it?  My name is really Kim...Lizzie Lou is my little chihuahua.  Do you ride or show horses?

[Amaris]

I have a hard time going to my church as well. Every Sunday I have the intention to go and I just don't. That was something that me & my mom did together, just the two of us. Every Sunday we went & I just have a hard time, I know that It will hit me, I am so tired of crying!
There are times where my mind just takes me back to a particular time, point & place that I was with my mom. Like how you saw your fathers coffin, I see her gasping for each breath in the hours before her death. I try to think of happy times & that makes me even more sad because I miss it. I miss that time with her. She had always said since I was little that when I gave birth to my 1st child she wanted to be in the delivery room with me (she always wanted to be a midwife & deliver babies) and I don't have any children. I know she'll be there, but My future kids are going to miss out on the Best Grandma they could have ever known.
I guess with time each day should get better.

[Mozartcowgirl]

seeing your fathers coffin at your church is very normal. i .. for some reason or another.. see my son on this hard.. steel slab in the funeral home when i went to dress him.. i looked at him.. lying there..with this huge Y incision..  i trried to wake him up.. i was angry.. i got very mad at the embalmers...

i dont see that as much anymore.. and i know in my heart.. that my son would not want that memory to be the one memory of him..

same goes for my mom.. i would rather think about her bringing me her famous split pea soup.. than watching her die in the hospital..

you have to force good.. positive .. uplifting thoughts into your mind..

what would your dad think about what you see?  

of course its going to happen.. i still have negative. or very sad visualizations pop into my head.. ones that freak me out. make me cry... and place me in a talespin..

im so sorry that you are having such a hard time.. i wish there was something i could do to make you feel better...

[LIZZIE LOU]

small world...i too ride...western pleasure.  i used to show many years ago but those days are over, although i still travel to shows with my aunt who still shows.  as a matter of fact, i was supposed to go to the Sun Circuit (somewhere in AZ...can't remember where (lol)...but i was sick and didn't make it.  I have a toy australian shepherd named cowgirl too.  i live in georgia now but we are looking for some land in Mancos, Colorado to build a second home to be closer to one of my (4) sons who lives in Taos, New Mexico.  i've NEVER ridden a bull...and don't intend to...but my husband and i did fly out to Vegas this past year to watch the professional bull riding finals...it was sooo much fun...the winner won a million dollars.

it is nice to meet you and i hope that (we) find peace soon...

Kim

[nyc lady]

I never handled death well....there are some people that accept as part of the life cycle.  I lost my Dad in 1998.  I still miss him very very much.  

I will never forget the eulogy that my cousin wrote for my grandfather....this is how it started -

"We mourn, no not for you who knows no further pain, but, for ourselves as we must go on without you."

[LIZZIE LOU]

thank you so much for responding...at least someone understands my grief.  I to find comfort knowing that I will someday see my dad again, but I just want this pain to stop.  I can't even go to my church anymore because instead of finding comfort, I see my dad's coffin up there.  I have to leave every time I try to go.  I remember before the service, we had his casket opened so that the family could say goodbye one more time...well I fell all to pieces...I wouldn't let them close it...I knew when they did I would never see his face again.  It was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life...watching them close him up.  I wish I could dream about him...it has only happened once...

[Amaris]

I am so glad that somone started a topic on this. I am 23 and I just lost my 42yr old mother to Ovarian cancer on Jan.10 2007. She was diagnosed in June last year and barely hung on for New Years. I have a 5 yr olf little brother and a step father of about 7 years who I feel got cheated out of a wonderful life with my mother. When she was diagnosed I stepped in as mothre hen as usual & helped my step father take care of her. My husband had just started Paramedic school (which is seriously like a doctor on wheel) so he has not been around very much to be a good support. It's not his fault, he tries but the timeing is just off. My mom was my best friend, I talked to her at least 3 times a day at least! If not I was at her house or by the hospital bed. We've always been so close, even when I was in school which is unusual when your a teen. I honestly feel like there is a hole in my heart. I don't know what to do. I was so strong when she passed I took care of the arrangement, I didnt' cry  & I even sang one of her favorite songs with no problem. I was so happy for her not to be suffering in pain anymore. I feel that it was because I saw her almost everyday, I saw her decline & I wanted her to be at peace with no pain.
But now I'm a mess! I cry daily, she's all I can think about. I miss her so much I can't put into words the pain I feel. I find comfort in my faith & knowing I'll see her again, but the sad fact is I can't stand to not be able to hear her laugh or see her smile. It's selfish I  know, but I'm glad to have someone to talk to who knows where I'm comming from
Amaris

[Mozartcowgirl]

Im still grieving as well.. i lost m y uncle..  my son.. and my mother all in a 3 month time period.   28 days after my son passed away... ( unexpectedly) my mother passed away as well .  its a hard thing to describe.. feeling a different type of alone...like you are the only one left.. even if you arent..
you can talk to them... you cant ask for their advice.. you cant smell them.. i think to me.. thats one of the hardest things.  i cant smell my mother.. her perfume... her cooking.. her skin.. her hair.  there are times when my daughters hair smell like hers.. and it lifts me up.. and depresses me at the same time.

seeing how others treat their parents... if badly.. really upsets me.. my father died last year super bowl sunday.. while shoveling snow.. what a way to go.
i never got to say goodbye.. nothing.
i am so very sorry that you are feeling such grief.. i cannot know your situation.. but i can certainly tell you that i grieve with you .. as losing loved ones feels like your heart is ripped out.  
wherever you dad is now.. know that he will never stop loving you .. ever.. I have dreams with my mom and son in them.. to me.. it gives me comfort.. i will pray for you.. you are in my thoughts..

[Jack615]

Hi Lizzie,

No you're not the only person who grieves the loss of a parent for many years!  I lost my Mom back in 1999 and I still well up with tears everytime I think about her.  She was such a wonderful and energetic person who was taken from me far too early.

I'm so sorry about your loss and hope it helps you to know that you're not alone.

Jack