Aa
when is enough enough part 3
So finally the point of this epic post. What should I do? Sit about trying to chill out – yesterday I watched the first 5 episodes of Sex and the City, so maybe I should just carry on watching those – I’ve got about a zillion movies to watch which should be able to distract me for a bit. My other option I guess is to go home. This suggestion will cause a massive family ruction though and I don’t want them all even more upset, but it seems that if nothing is being done for me in the hospital, then why remain when I can go home and lie about in bed and take the same meds I’m taking here anyway? OK the morphine is a bit of a problem, not something I can take at home but maybe I could get some patches for a few days? I’m really in a bit of a predicament as to what to do. My family are on the way for their morning visit and I just know I’m going to take one look at them and start crying which is going to upset them totally (again!). I can’t stand how much I’m hurting them by being weak and teary. They are used to me being sick, but they never ever see me feel sorry for myself, and they certainly never see me cry over my health issues. I think I’ll start packing my stuff up so that if I decide to go then I’ll be ready, but getting home cold be an issue cause my dad would sooner tie me to the bed than take me home if the doc wants me here for longer. I just can’t help thinking that I will be better off mentally at home and surely if you can cope mentally you will heal your body more quickly? The other thing is that if I get worse at home and have to be rushed back here it will make things even worse and I will never hear the end of it!
My husband just told me that my dad wants to cancel Family Day (we do Family Day instead of Christmas because we are Jewish) and this has put me into even a worse state. I’ve already caused such a lot of hurt and now to want to cancel Family Day!!!! No! I can’t bear to think of it. I feel as if I’m destroying my family. Oy Vey the day is just getting worse and worse. My guilt at being sick has just tripled now that I hear this. Canceling Family Day is like canceling Christmas Day, you can’t just do that. I don’t know how to explain to my Dad how important it is to me that we share this day together as a FAMILY - considering we did have our doubts I’d even make it to this point what with the ventilator issue and stuff. Not doing Family Day will be like I’d died. I know you are all thinking “she’s saying this so easily now” but you do not know my dad, I adore him but he’s got an extremely strong will and if he decides something in his mind absolutely NOTHING will change it. He’s complicated and that is going to complicate this entire issue.
My dad gets a bee in his bonnet and that is that, he will go sit out on the pavement while we do Family Day just to show his disapproval and I don’t think I have the words to explain to him why this year Family Day is so much more important to me than its ever been before. He is just not going to get it. Now I know I’m going to cry the instant he walks into this room and then he’s going to feel bad which is going to make the whole thing even more difficult to discuss, he gets cross with me when he feels bad about something! Then when I cry I’m going to cough and that is going to make him even more mad. By this time my mom is going to be crying too cause she’s such a softy and just wants the best for everyone and she won’t want to see either me or my dad upset. Deary me, I think I should have taken more emergency medicine. If I’d known what was coming I’d have gone for the stronger stuff!!!!
Out of all this I can say one thing, I don’t have to make the decision about leaving the hospital today. There is no way my dad would take me home now and the stress I suddenly feel is starting to bring on an asthma attack! Let me deal with this before they arrive and it all hits the fan. Ok I’ve hit the nebs, the ventolin, taken some liquid codeine to stop coughing, but the wheezing is rather blatant. I’ve now turned my oxygen up so that you can’t hear me breathe, final thing let me lift the back of the bed so I can lay still while he is here because any movement from me will make me even worse and its easier to breathe if you are sitting higher up. Right – done! I think I am prepared now for their visit. Lets hope I can keep it together for the next hour or so. I seem to be heading for a full on asthma attack now, think its time to get the nurse here to help me out.
If anyone has any suggestions about coping with losing it, please pass them on. It must be quite clear that I’m in desperate need of help – just please – do not even dream of advising that I cancel Family Day as a method of coping!!!
My husband just told me that my dad wants to cancel Family Day (we do Family Day instead of Christmas because we are Jewish) and this has put me into even a worse state. I’ve already caused such a lot of hurt and now to want to cancel Family Day!!!! No! I can’t bear to think of it. I feel as if I’m destroying my family. Oy Vey the day is just getting worse and worse. My guilt at being sick has just tripled now that I hear this. Canceling Family Day is like canceling Christmas Day, you can’t just do that. I don’t know how to explain to my Dad how important it is to me that we share this day together as a FAMILY - considering we did have our doubts I’d even make it to this point what with the ventilator issue and stuff. Not doing Family Day will be like I’d died. I know you are all thinking “she’s saying this so easily now” but you do not know my dad, I adore him but he’s got an extremely strong will and if he decides something in his mind absolutely NOTHING will change it. He’s complicated and that is going to complicate this entire issue.
My dad gets a bee in his bonnet and that is that, he will go sit out on the pavement while we do Family Day just to show his disapproval and I don’t think I have the words to explain to him why this year Family Day is so much more important to me than its ever been before. He is just not going to get it. Now I know I’m going to cry the instant he walks into this room and then he’s going to feel bad which is going to make the whole thing even more difficult to discuss, he gets cross with me when he feels bad about something! Then when I cry I’m going to cough and that is going to make him even more mad. By this time my mom is going to be crying too cause she’s such a softy and just wants the best for everyone and she won’t want to see either me or my dad upset. Deary me, I think I should have taken more emergency medicine. If I’d known what was coming I’d have gone for the stronger stuff!!!!
Out of all this I can say one thing, I don’t have to make the decision about leaving the hospital today. There is no way my dad would take me home now and the stress I suddenly feel is starting to bring on an asthma attack! Let me deal with this before they arrive and it all hits the fan. Ok I’ve hit the nebs, the ventolin, taken some liquid codeine to stop coughing, but the wheezing is rather blatant. I’ve now turned my oxygen up so that you can’t hear me breathe, final thing let me lift the back of the bed so I can lay still while he is here because any movement from me will make me even worse and its easier to breathe if you are sitting higher up. Right – done! I think I am prepared now for their visit. Lets hope I can keep it together for the next hour or so. I seem to be heading for a full on asthma attack now, think its time to get the nurse here to help me out.
If anyone has any suggestions about coping with losing it, please pass them on. It must be quite clear that I’m in desperate need of help – just please – do not even dream of advising that I cancel Family Day as a method of coping!!!
I sent my daughter to Sweden. I didn't go through the airport security gate at all. No bruise at my pacemaker site. Just sore come and go. My GP said if I complainted too much of that then the cardio could move my pacemaker from left to right. I am not complaining that anymore. I am just very very dizzy at the moment. Not as dizzy as last night.
Can you see my photo under my name.... Not my photo, actually is part of my old holter report. Pause section. That is the only bill board we got here. Do you have any interesting things can post it there?
I'll send you many many hugs or cyber-hugs. Hope those hugs can bring you heal quicker and stronger....
Take care.
Can you see my photo under my name.... Not my photo, actually is part of my old holter report. Pause section. That is the only bill board we got here. Do you have any interesting things can post it there?
I'll send you many many hugs or cyber-hugs. Hope those hugs can bring you heal quicker and stronger....
Take care.
Hi Pika. Hope you are feeling better. Did you go through the magnetic check in door at the airport? If you have an implanted pacemaker you are supposed to by-pass those doors. Here I have a card telling them I have a pacemaker, then they take me through a non-magnetic entry, I am then searched by a woman security officer while my take on luggage goes through the magnetic machine. Those machines are powerful and they do have the ability to make changes to your rate settings but usually the pacemaker resorts to its original setting as soon as you leave the magnetic field, but in this case it sounds as if it changed your rate and then did not set back to normal. Go get it checked out, especially if the placement site is sore. Maybe you jarred it, and it’s a bit bruised or something, but you must get checked out. I’m on this total “get everything checked out” thing after all the stuff I’ve been through, so just go have it seen to before you end up sitting in a hospital bed for a month! Also, just the fact that you responded to me is quite enough and the hugs reached me just fine here – thank you, your being there for me helps me out a vast amount. I wish I had not lost my post last night cause I had said loads of things to you, but it was just not possible to re-write all I had said. I’m typing this one in a Word Doc now so at least I know it will still be here if there’s any problems with servers tonight. Let me know what is going on with your pacemaker please – at least I can do some worrying about someone else for a change! So here’s my cyber-hug to you to help you feel better and stay strong. When you feel better I’d love to hear about your trip as well.
I read all you posts and I have plenty to say. Now I come back from the airport, my chest just vibrates and the pacemaker site is sore. It doesn't seem want to go away. Stopped for a few seconds then vibrates for 30 minutes. It keeps going on like that. I am so exhausted and my brain is blank. One word "brain" makes me spell five times. Thinline, I come back another day... I am sorry, today I'm unable to give you any support. My hugs (many many hugs) is on the way to you.. Hope you are getting better each day.
I like Dolfnlvr suggestion. Don't give up Family Day, just save it for a better day. We did that for our 25th anniversary. My hubby had to be with his Dad during his prostate surgery out of town. We laugh about it now. At least it was memorable. If everyone is too exhausted to celebrate, then don't force it. But make sure you all can have a day soon to be with each other and share.
One way to distract yourself when you're feeling down (besides Sex and the City) is to reach out to someone else. If you can call someone or write a letter to them. I know you're isolated in there but reaching out however you can (this board is good too) takes your mind off your loneliness and hopelessness for a bit. If you know someone else that's hurting, touch base with them. You'll still have times of being bored, frustrated and tired. But maybe not so many. And when they reach back to say hi or thank you, that will be a gift to you, something to treasure. Hugs...
One way to distract yourself when you're feeling down (besides Sex and the City) is to reach out to someone else. If you can call someone or write a letter to them. I know you're isolated in there but reaching out however you can (this board is good too) takes your mind off your loneliness and hopelessness for a bit. If you know someone else that's hurting, touch base with them. You'll still have times of being bored, frustrated and tired. But maybe not so many. And when they reach back to say hi or thank you, that will be a gift to you, something to treasure. Hugs...
Why is Dad cancelling Family Day? Is it because you can't be there? Is it just because he's emotionally drained and can't take the hubbub and "go through the motions" while inside he is falling apart? I would bet that is it.
My husband is like that. When he gets scared he gets angry. It's a defense mechanism, and while it is a pain in the neck to deal with when all you want is a hug, you have to realize that he's afraid if he gives you that he'll fall apart. It must be hard to hold that much responsibility on your shoulders. He wants to fix it.......but can't, and you are his little girl.
All that said, I have a suggestion. One that may be a nice compromise for all of you. Let me start by saying that I have no doubt you're going to come out of this. I do not know when, however, and that's the kicker. How about you postpone Family Day? Think about it. You come home from the hospital and get a bit stronger, and just when you need the support, happiness and closeness of family you can have it with a celebration of Family. The day doesn't matter. Trust me...we postponed Christmas for a week when my sister was born on Christmas Eve. Santa brought us all a gift, but all other festivities and gifts were held until Mommy was ready to enjoy it too. It was the best Christmas I ever had. First of all....my bros, sisters and I got to stay home from school an extra two days :-). Also, we had Mommy back from the hospital, all-be-it with a wriggly, screaming baby.......but she was home. And happy. And we had so much to celebrate (Mom had to have emergency surgery after sis was born...she hemorrhaged).
So consider postponing and having family day be a celebration of your return home to your family. Your Dad's relief may be just the magic you need to make the day that much more special.
Take care,
My husband is like that. When he gets scared he gets angry. It's a defense mechanism, and while it is a pain in the neck to deal with when all you want is a hug, you have to realize that he's afraid if he gives you that he'll fall apart. It must be hard to hold that much responsibility on your shoulders. He wants to fix it.......but can't, and you are his little girl.
All that said, I have a suggestion. One that may be a nice compromise for all of you. Let me start by saying that I have no doubt you're going to come out of this. I do not know when, however, and that's the kicker. How about you postpone Family Day? Think about it. You come home from the hospital and get a bit stronger, and just when you need the support, happiness and closeness of family you can have it with a celebration of Family. The day doesn't matter. Trust me...we postponed Christmas for a week when my sister was born on Christmas Eve. Santa brought us all a gift, but all other festivities and gifts were held until Mommy was ready to enjoy it too. It was the best Christmas I ever had. First of all....my bros, sisters and I got to stay home from school an extra two days :-). Also, we had Mommy back from the hospital, all-be-it with a wriggly, screaming baby.......but she was home. And happy. And we had so much to celebrate (Mom had to have emergency surgery after sis was born...she hemorrhaged).
So consider postponing and having family day be a celebration of your return home to your family. Your Dad's relief may be just the magic you need to make the day that much more special.
Take care,
Hi again, I am so sorry you are feeling so down,you have so much to put up with its not surprising. You are going to have these very 'down' days and all I can tell you to do is try to keep positive, nothing stays the same and who knows maybe tomorrow you will feel a bit better, I really hope so.Explain to your family how you feel about Family Day and if (and i hope not) that you are still in hospital cant they bring Family Day to you, if only for a short time? I think you are right that it is the medication that is causing alot of these despressing feelings, but I dont think that trying to reduce it is the answer as you are only going to feel worse, its a vicious circle, but you dont need more pain, when the time is right you can reduce it, keep being your usual brave self, think positive and it WILL get better, with all your cyber friends rooting for you how can it not get better!!
You are not losing it, you are understandably fed up, in pain, and I expect tired out, you are normal!!One day at a time, tomorrow may be different, I pray so.
Lots of hugs and kisses, and prayers also.
You are not losing it, you are understandably fed up, in pain, and I expect tired out, you are normal!!One day at a time, tomorrow may be different, I pray so.
Lots of hugs and kisses, and prayers also.
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