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Joke of the day
Since the last joke thread is buried I thought I would start another to help brighten things up a little. We all could use it.
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell i f that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my ****** into.'
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell i f that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my ****** into.'
Prakash Karat, the Communist Leader, was seated next to a little 5th grade girl on the airplane when Karat turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
Oh, I don't know', said Karat. 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
Prakash Karat turns towards Yechury in dismay. Thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl replies: "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****??!! "
Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Italian joke was great!!!
The men one was a factual thing...pretty true too. LOL
The men one was a factual thing...pretty true too. LOL
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.
Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers,
represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to
draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine, says the
Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere
you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!'
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says,
'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota
dirty tree and a ****, dirty tree and a ****, and dirty tree and a
****, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
he passes a little math test.
Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers,
represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to
draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine, says the
Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere
you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!'
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says,
'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota
dirty tree and a ****, dirty tree and a ****, and dirty tree and a
****, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Hepatitis Social Community
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
