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Joke of the day
Here is a little early thanksgiving humor
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions,
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions,
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's only
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi,
who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I
tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th Anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's only
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi,
who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I
tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th Anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New
York two days before Thanksgiving
and says,'I hate to ruin your day, but I
have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the
son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other
any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick
of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts,
'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Phoenix immediately, and
screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and
turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Thanksgiving and
paying their own way.'
If you see someone without a smile today
give them one of yours!
Live simply. Love seriously. Care
deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
York two days before Thanksgiving
and says,'I hate to ruin your day, but I
have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the
son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other
any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick
of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts,
'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Phoenix immediately, and
screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and
turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Thanksgiving and
paying their own way.'
If you see someone without a smile today
give them one of yours!
Live simply. Love seriously. Care
deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did
to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'
She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'
He said, 'I want 5 loaves.
She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard'
He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
but me.'
one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did
to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'
She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'
He said, 'I want 5 loaves.
She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard'
He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
but me.'
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way
out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs
the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of
the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks
over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very
scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else
see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments
of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife
may have caught a glimpse ....'
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way
out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs
the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of
the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks
over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very
scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else
see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments
of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife
may have caught a glimpse ....'
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop ..... ;-)
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
thanks guys......really great stuff....hard to choose the best one.
good medicine!!
mb
good medicine!!
mb
It's one of those delayed reaction jokes. Try this one.
Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
laughing! ok here is one my 6 year old grand daughter told me!
"Why did the turkey cross the road?"
"Cause he wasn't chicken!"
"Why did the turkey cross the road?"
"Cause he wasn't chicken!"
Sorry I thought you wrote that but it was the walrus (coo coo ka choo).
A Monk wants to be "one with universe" aka one with everything.
Nothing wrong with you just had to reach a little for that one. LOL
A Monk wants to be "one with universe" aka one with everything.
Nothing wrong with you just had to reach a little for that one. LOL
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