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Can a man watch porn without getting turned on??
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Can a man watch porn without getting turned on??

I have been with my Fella for 8 years now and a few weeks ago we were in bed (Not sleeping) and I was playing with him and he just went soft on me...
And a few times since that we have made love he said he has come but I know he hasn't as I have not felt it or had the leakage that always happened before, we use to do it regularly But lately I have been a bit down due to a few problems with the kids but still up for doing more than sleeping with him.....
Anyway the other day I found out that he has been watching porn on his computer I was not snooping on his laptop he knew I was on there but he thought he had deleted his history but I had looked before hand then afterwards I asked him about it and he tried to tell me it must be spam or pop ups....
I said to him that pop-ups don't play Porn movies....
He then said he had looked a couple of times which was a LIE as they went beck for a few months I told I had noticed the dates and it coincided with when he had watched them and not been up for anything with me...
He then admitted to me he had watched them....
I told him I am so upset I can't believe it..
It has made me feel as though I am not good enough in looks or in bed and that I don't turn him on....
If he feel the need to watch porn......
He has now said to me that yes he has watched it but only because he is curious and that it don't turn him on and that he has never played with himself while watching it since he has been with me..............

I have now told him I don't know where to go from here he has to give me time to get my head around it all..
This is a Man that I am so in love with and we have always said we are sole mates.
And this is the first row we have had in 8 years
I feel like he has cheated on me even though he has not been with another woman....

So Can a man watch porn without getting turned on????????????

Many Thanks for all help I get offered here xxxx
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14 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Do not criticise or dislike him....watch porn together...and enjoy coying...try it you will get your man back.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think that you should ask him what he likes about it, and try to be receptive. Don't get upset with him, he didn't cheat on you, and he only lied because he knew you would be upset like this. If you try to be accepting, most likely he will be more honest, and you can both have your needs met together. Good luck!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the advice but We do watch porn together and over the last few months...
I like watching porn with him but it disgusts me at the thought that he needs to watch it on his own all through our relationship I have said that I don't know why people in a relationship with good sex needs to watch it...
And that I think it's wrong.....
But I have asked what he likes about it and why he watches it and he has said he is just curious and that it don't turn him on and that he has never played with himself while watching it since he has been with me....
But I think he is lying to me...And at the mo that is what I can't get my head round xx

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176495_tn?1301284012
I can imagine any man watching porn and not gettng turned on by it and "playing with themselves"...back when I watched porn it just couldn't be helped.  I've quit watching porn altogether to please my wife and my feeling that it is degrading and at times abusive to women and not helpful to a good healthy marriage.

I also believe it's an addiction much like one's addiction to alcohol or my addiction to prescription pain medication (from which I'm recovering).

I think your fella is feeding you a line and he needs your encouragement/help to get off this habit or perhaps the help of a professional.

Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for that Jim....

But I can't seem to talk to him about it now as he has said to me that he is sorry and there is nothing else he can do...
And he thinks that should be the end of it as he feels bad about what he has done (just Looking) as he say's...
But at the mo I don't know which way to go as I thought he was my sole mate and that has been taken away from me and I still use to have that buzz when he was near me(Even after 8 years it was that good I thought) but now I don't. I wish to Christ I did but I don't...
My heart is breaking I don't want to lose him but I feel as though I have already if you know what I mean xxxx
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1313791_tn?1273856177
I dont understand what the big deal about watching porn is? I love watching it with my bf and we have a better sex life because of it.. Learn new moves, poistions all that stuff.. Just because he watches it doesnt mean he loves me any less.. Guys will be guys. and the same goes for you. Its not cheating or anything like that.. Hope it helps.
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Avatar_f_tn
We do watch it together but it's the lying and hiding it that I don't like..
And I don't see the need for him to sit and watch it on his own we had a fantastic sex life and know loads moves lol..
I don't think a man needs to watch porn on his own......
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Avatar_m_tn
Tracy please read this as this is the best advice I think you'll get, from a man's perspective.

Remember, you cannot understand another human being if you're looking at things from your own perspective because you will likely be very wrong.  You have to try to grasp concepts from his perspective to move things forward & analyze your own faulty beliefs.

Men & women are biologically on two different wavelengths.

Your sexual organ IS NOT the same as your husbands.  The two are different, which means that you CANNOT expect the same out of HIS sexual organ that you do of your own.

Men through evolution are "seekers".  They seek to spread their seeds (sperm).  Men start masturbating around the ages of 13-14.  This happens to ALL boys.

Women are choosers.  They choose from the competition.

Your man deserves his privacy.  He deserves to have some sexual freedom outside the couple world that you have created.  

It is very wrong & unethical of you to spy on him & cause him embarrassment like that for something that you cannot understand from his perspective.

I am a man.  I have around 50 male friends.  100% of all 50 men masturbate outside of their sexual acts with their partners, including myself and I consider that to be completely normal.

You thinking that your love diminishes even slightly because of what your husband is doing is the result of your own faulty held beliefs.

To expect a man to synchronize their sexual longings with your sexual organ is absolutely RIDICULOUS over the long term.

If a lady asked me to do that, I would be highly offended to be asked to give up a perfectly natural, biological urge just to satisfy her because she does not understand.

We are talking about two people with two different genders, with two different sexual organs, with two different sexual timings, with two different "needs" & "urges".

I am very surprised your husband does not resent you for actions and confrontational demeanor.

Women who are narrow minded with such realities & truths (like when you tell your teen female friends growing up that all guys at that age masturbate & they don't believe you) should educate themselves on the opposite gender, rather than get frustrated and disgusted.  

If a man sees you having your period & they were not educated as to the natural biology underlying that sexual organ, should they be disgusted with you?  How awful would it be for someone to be disgusted with you without making an effort to understand things from your perspective.



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176495_tn?1301284012
The hiding and lying are unacceptable in my opinion.  Certainly male masturbation is going to take place, whether you are present or not...my wife chooses not to observe when I do and  that's fine..what she did choose is that porn will NOT be part of our lives and one day said "it's either porn or me"  Obviously I chose her and since that time have developed my thoughts and feelings on the subject as described above and I maintain those feelings on the subject and am not afraid to speak them.

I don't have time to comment on imago's post but I have a few disagreements with what he has to say

Jim
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Avatar_m_tn
Jim I completely agree with you.  My post was meant to address masturbation and all the misconceptions surrounding it, much like the ones Tracy69 holds & chooses to punish her husband over.

It is not meant to address porn, which to many is considered an inappropriate outlet.

But the root of the 'watching porn' problem is as much the female's fault as it is the man's & it is very disheartening to hear so many women so quickly dismiss it as "vile, disgusting, perverse".

If women like Tracy69 learn to be more accepting of other sexual avenues like masturbation without using highly offensive terminology like "disgusting" & "perverted" & without falsely dismissing this act as threatening to themselves and their sexuality.

Then the couple can break through this 'socially constructed barrier' & discuss the psychological pitfalls of watching porn while VERY IMPORTANTLY remaining open-minded about the very natural act of self masturbation, which to the surprise of those uneducated on the subject of male masturbation like Tracy69, all sexually healthy men engage in from time to time.

It is baffling, wrong, selfish & misguided of women to label male self pleasure as disgusting without making any conscious effort to properly understand the perfectly natural sexual urges behind it.

Bottom line is that male masturbation will always be here with every guy (in & out of relationship) no matter if the female likes it or not or decides whether to accept it or not.  

If the female feels like male masturbation is affecting their self esteem like Tracy69, then the onus is on the female counterpart's faulty perceptions.  

The correct approach for a female would not be to criticize such a prevalent & natural act, to address one's own psychological issues involving self esteem without blaming it on the male counterpart.  Perhaps a helpful suggestion would be to ask the male counterpart to be included in their private masturbation sessions, rather than harshly dismiss the act altogether without base.
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176495_tn?1301284012
I could be wrong as I am rather busy here, but I don't see there being any objection to masturbation, but the objection is to hiding with porn and masturbating seems to be the issue.   But perhaps I'm missing something


Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for your comments...

1, I did not spy on him I was looking for something else and he knew I was on his computer.....

2, like I say we watched porn together....................

3, If he did not hide it and shared it with me I would not of batted an eye lid...

And Jim the objection is to the hiding of the fact that he was watching porn....
I just hope that sole mate feeling comes back..........................
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176495_tn?1301284012
Me too, Tracy...best of luck to you on this..it is a very difficult habit for men to break.



Jim
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Avatar_m_tn
It is in my opinion that if your soul mate feeling dissolved by even a slight degree because your man hid watching porn then you are not soul mates after all.

I can see why you & Jim (and his wife) have a problem with pornography, & as Jim pointed out it is a habit.  

The reason it is a habit for men & not women in particular is again due to male biology & the urges of the male reproductive organ, coupled with the ease of accessibility of porn in privacy.  It is 'very' prevalent among men as a result of this, & to scrutinize your man and question your love over it I think is very ridiculous & over the top.

Again, it is a strong craving that most men do have, so I suggest women become more accepting of this concept & talk it out with their partners in a mature, non judgmental, non threatening manner.  The best way to get your point across is to be understanding & not cause shame and embarrassment about such a sensitive issue.

Watching porn can be a problem in a relationship depending on the perspectives of the couple, but a lady like Tracy69 who analyzes the merits of her relationship based on this very prevalent & biologically underpinned habit to me lacks understanding & perspective on the realities of the opposite gender.
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Avatar_m_tn
to answer your "So Can a man watch porn without getting turned on????????????" with conscious effort, yes like watching a horror movie without getting scared except watching porn without getting turned on is easier, i can understand your point of view that your man watching porn makes you feel inadequate i know some people on other forums say " its natural for men to do these things" but lets look at this individually, he watches porn and you have a problem with that and his reason was "he's curious" given that he doesn't get turned on and he's watching it out of curiosity then i dont see the harm in it, but the fact that he lied to you about his porn escapades suggests that he most likely lied about watching it out of pure curiosity and the assertion that he doesn't get turned on, but then again acceptance is the best solution for everything, you either accept it, try to discuss this and settle for a compromise that will satisfy both of you, or you can leave him
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Avatar_f_tn
I am in this same situation..with my man for 8 yrs..I found out in january that he had been watching porn on his cell for quite a while..I am devistated,as this was discused prior to us even becoming a couple.what I would like to know is why men that watch porn pick women who won't or can't deal with it. If there are SO MANY women out there who are ok with it why pick one who is not.
Women have just as much right in a partnership to have their "needs" met,wheather sexually,emotionally,or respected about their feeling on this supject.why should we have to conform to some FAKE *** crap that our husbands/bf decide to engage in.
So let me get this straight,my man DEVISTATES ME,mentally,emotionally,and to an extent physically because I don't even want to touch him now,so my sexual needs are also effected.but now I'm supposed to turn into the porn star for I'm in bed? ********!! I am one: not going to encourage his fantasies about other women,and two:not reward him for lying and making me feel like a piece of dirt,and three: make my self feel like a piece of meat in order to satisfy a man that has not only broken my heart,but my trust.
I could keep going but I have said enough.in closing I feel that porn has no place in a healthy loving mutual relationship.u want porn be single or find a woman that will put up with it! But men and ladies it is not right to sugest such things as "watch it with him" or say hurtful and disrespectful things like "get over yourself" or "its your problem not his" we all have feelings and they differ from one another.some are ok with this behavior,and some are not.
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