Impotency problem at age 36

[angron99]

I am asking this question for my husband, who just turned 36,  because he keeps putting this off.  He has had a few impotency problems in the past like losing an erection during intercourse or not getting one once in awhile, but lately he cannot get an erection at all.  He always made excuses like he had too much to drink or after the birth of our daughter, he had to use condoms.  I know it is common sometimes, so I didn't get concerned.  Well now, it has been about 6 months and he can't get an erection no matter what I do.  We have tried longer foreplay, porno movies, oral sex and still nothing.  He says he gets the morning erection occasionally but that is it.  I have tried to talk to him about this but he gets mad or says it is "all in his head".  The more times we try and fail, the more angry or upset he gets and the worse I feel for him.  He keeps saying he will go to a doctor but never does and I am sick of trying to talk to him about this.  I feel bad to keep bringing it up with him but I want my husband and our sex life back!  Is there anything else I can do, short of making the call myself?  I always try and be encouraging and I told him I would go to the doctor with him if he is scared.  Our last talk was a week ago and he promised he would make an appointment and still no call.  It's almost like if he ignores it, it will go away.  I am starting to get angry and feel he doesn't care.  If this was becasue of me and we weren't having sex, I would have called months ago and I don't think he would have been as patient.  Any advice on what to do?  Should I be worried?

[angron99]

No, he doesn't take any medication.  He is very healthy and still plays sports regularly.  He does smoke though.  

I would say we have a great marriage.  We have been married 9 years and have 3 kids.  We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and there is no issues of stress when it comes to money or anything of that nature.  There has never been cheating from either of us either.  I haven't gained any weight, actually lost weight.  I am 5 feet tall and weigh 112 pounds and am actually smaller than I was before we had kids. I actually just had a breast augmentation too.  After breast feeding 3 kids, they just didn't have the same perkiness or volume.  In the beginning he was a little hesitant of me having the surgery, but once I got it done, he loved it and couldn't keep his hands off my boobs!.  He just had a b-day recently and I went and got some sexy lingire, a porno and some lotions to help set the mood and still nothing!  I could tell he really wanted to, just couldn't.  We still had a nice night and he is very good at pleasuring me, but it still leaves him kind of down afterwards and he keeps apologizing to me. I am really worried it is physical.  I also think too, that he anticipates that it is going to happen before we even start, so he has it in his head from the beginning.  And then he is worried about that and not just enjoying the mood and moment.  He says it is always in the back of his mind.  

I would say my first step is to try and get him to his PCP, and then hopefully they can refer him to a Urologist.  He has thought about Viagra and some of those other herbal drugs, but I would rather figure out the problem and fix it, than go for the quick fix or put a Band-aid on it, so to speak.

[Don4]

I am 38 and I have the same problem sometimes.  I say sometimes because there are times when I can cut glass and there are other times when I am not interested at all.  Is this his first child?  You may ask him about his true feelings about you i.e have you gained weight, do you dress sexy for him.   I have discovered that when my wife and I have arguments it turns me off to her. In addition has there ever been in cheating in the relationship?  In short, there are psychological issues that men have and are afraid to tell their wives.  Take him to a strip bar, give him a couple of drinks and see if he gets excited.  You would be surprised at the things that turn men off and having 3 kids I can honestly say that the stress of everyday life and working plays a major role in our sex life. And when the wife and I agrue it's still in my mind a week later. I can't get a good erection until all issues have been put to bed.

[angron99]

Oh, I am beyond cranky!!! No, he is not diabetic and he has never done drugs, except the occasional pot in high school.  He is in the process of changing primary care doctors so his lastest excuse is that he hasn't found a doctor yet.  I am just over the excuses and putting it off.  I feel like I bug him all the time about it.  I told him this last time that I was not going to bring it up anymore and that the ball was in his court!  When we get in an argument though, he will through in my face that we haven't had sex or that I never "love" on him. I don't want to make him feel bad but hello, it isn't working!  I don't try to initiate anything anymore either because I feel like it just gets him frstrated when it doesn't happen.  I don't know, I am just over worrying about it.  I have tld him how I feel, and I am going to sit back and see how long he waits. Thanks for the reply!

[monkeyflower]

If he's not getting morning erections, there could be a physical reason. He really needs to see a doctor to be sure; generally a urologist, but he probably needs a referral from his primary care doctor first. I'm guessing he's feeling pretty anxious, frustrated, maybe embarrassed and a little scared, so he's probably not all that motivated to find a doctor.

In the meantime, though, why not have other types of sex? Certainly there are tons of things you can do to pleasure each other that don't require erections.

On the other hand, it sounds like this issue has become so highly charged that having a happy and tension-free sex life together (with or without erections) may not be all that easy. I'd highly recommend seeing a sex therapist. Even if it is a physical problem, there are all kinds of emotional issues wrapped around it... and if it really is "all in his head", then sex therapy can draw out the possible reasons why. Also, a sex therapist can help you both communicate in new ways :-)

[siren of the sea]

wow thats a difficult situation. men arent like us - they are frightened of what could happen to their male parts. is he diabtic? you didnt mention so i figure not. does he use drugs? i ask because a bf years ago couldnt get an erection or keep one no matter what i did. sometimes its a simple thing like maybe his testosterone. but he does need to get it checked. im sure there are lots of reasons for this to happen. if you made his appt and then told him when it is would he be upset with you? i dont want to start a war between you. there cant be a sure answer here he needs a professional diagnosis in a med office. hope you get him to go a no sex life has to be difficult. if we go too long i get very very cranky!