will my marriage survive this addiction and at what cost ?

[brokensoul70]

Today there has been a lot of tears. Maybe more than usual. Actually after giving him an ultimatum my husband has begun the slow process of admitting that he is addicted to pornography. I became aware of his problem almost from the beginning , but talked myself into believing that if I could just be sexier, thinner, more willing, more something... more anything...then he would stop, and choose me. I have spent years spying, confronting, threatening, hiding outside the bathroom door listening, pleading, begging, and finally in the most profoundly sad way; resorting to watching his porography to try and feel somehow connected. I have had two babies and my body has shifted and changed the way bodies do. But I think I'm still beautiful.... I am an incest survivor and I have traded sex for love all my life. This is so painful for me in ways that I can't even describe. He knows everything about me, my history, my patterns, my stories. I have tried so hard and I'm in so much pain right now. I love him and I want him so badly to stop.After evrything I've read I'm not sure we are going to make it out. It breaks my heart because it's not just me on the chopping block it's our kids and our life that we have built together.I don't know if I can ever trust him again.The last time we had "good" sex the only way to keep him engaged was to tell him to **** me dirty. So he did. He called me a ***** and he came like a demon. It was all I could do to keep from crying at my shame. Shame because I wanted him to say it. Shame because I am willing to take anything just to feel like he wants me. I have been a ***** and I have spent my adult life trying to deal with the deep scars that have been embedded in my soul. and you know what, we're normal people. I am ayoga teacher he is a firefighter. We're not some deranged monsters. We're just two very lost people and I don't know how the hell we got here.Is there any way out of this hell?

[brokensoul70]

will my marriage survive this addiction and at what cost ?
by brokensoul70, 2 hours ago
Today there has been a lot of tears. Maybe more than usual. Actually after giving him an ultimatum my husband has begun the slow process of admitting that he is addicted to pornography. I became aware of his problem almost from the beginning , but talked myself into believing that if I could just be sexier, thinner, more willing, more something... more anything...then he would stop, and choose me. I have spent years spying, confronting, threatening, hiding outside the bathroom door listening, pleading, begging, and finally in the most profoundly sad way; resorting to watching his porography to try and feel somehow connected. I have had two babies and my body has shifted and changed the way bodies do. But I think I'm still beautiful.... I am an incest survivor and I have traded sex for love all my life. This is so painful for me in ways that I can't even describe. He knows everything about me, my history, my patterns, my stories. I have tried so hard and I'm in so much pain right now. I love him and I want him so badly to stop.After evrything I've read I'm not sure we are going to make it out. It breaks my heart because it's not just me on the chopping block it's our kids and our life that we have built together.I don't know if I can ever trust him again.The last time we had "good" sex the only way to keep him engaged was to tell him to **** me dirty. So he did. He called me a ***** and he came like a demon. It was all I could do to keep from crying at my shame. Shame because I wanted him to say it. Shame because I am willing to take anything just to feel like he wants me. I have been a ***** and I have spent my adult life trying to deal with the deep scars that have been embedded in my soul. and you know what, we're normal people. I am ayoga teacher he is a firefighter. We're not some deranged monsters. We're just two very lost people and I don't know how the hell we got here.Is there any way out of this hell?

[AnnieBrooke]

Therapy.  If he loves your children and your family life, he will go.  If not, go yourself.