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Depression through imagination?
Hi,

So this has been a problem for a long time now, maybe 4/5 years. I am still only 19 years old, but to be honest my real life hasn't been great. I mean, I haven't been bullied to an inch of my life or had any serious family problems, far from that. The problem is that the reality that I live, and have lived since about midle of scondary school has been quite a boring, lonely one. I have honestly really tried to get in the "in" crowds but never really got there, often being referred to as one who drifts from social group to social group trying to find my set of friends. It never really happened.

Being quite a forcéd loner (honestly I have really tried to fit in groups but none so far have really turned out great), I have always tried in my sleep to "dream" up a better reality, not even a realistic one, I always have scenes in my mind, way off into the fantasy world a lot of the time, where I imagine myself as the main character of a fictional story, create a love interest for my character based on my preferences (at the moment and for a ling time, in real life I have been attracted to people in the past so I know that I am not asexual, but I haven't seen/found anyone of whom I would say I'm attracted to, or "that person who you think of last thing at night" etc.) and I just REALLY vividly create scenes in my mind.

When I say vivid I can't express how vivid, I mean I literally look forward to when I go to bed. In my boring life in reality, all I do is sit at my computer and browse stuff, I have been diagnosed with depression which explains my lack of motivation to take up a hobby/activity. When I go to bed in the pitch darkness I take 1-2 hours before I go to sleep to just picture a scene where I create this storyline of me and play it out in some cringey but euphoric moment, I can see everything around me and can picture everything, sometimes it really makes me so happy. But other times when I lie in bed, I realise how much of a loser I am for doing this and the fact I am lonely, depressed, sometimes even feel I am a burden to my family and cry myself to sleep. The only thing which stops me from time to time from lying there depressed or crying in bed is creating these scenes.

But obviously the catch is because I create such euphoric scenes in my mind during the night, in the day I just wish I was this character which I have mentally created and makes me more and more depressed, which then makes me think up more and more scenes etc. and it becomes some sort of depressive snowball effect. It has come to the point where I almost live just to daydream before going to sleep. I mean, I spend most of my time in bed now, I can wake up and just lie there for a good 203 hours creating more and more to a story and don;t want to get up and face reality.

Sorry for the long story, I guess I've got home and rank a bit and these feelings which I usually supress have gotten to me pretty badly. Thanks.
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