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Another OCD about HIV case
Hey all. To recap, about a month ago I started obsessing about the possibility of getting HIV from a low/no risk encounter I had a little over two years ago. It wasn't even on my mind until a month ago. It was brought on by feeling guilty about the whole encounter, and I guess that brought on the fear of the worst consequence/punishment I could get. Common sense, and the sensible part of my brain tell me there is no way I could have contracted HIV. I am a man who received unprotected oral sex and had protected vaginal sex with a woman who is promiscuous, but I have been told she has had a clean bill of health since then, plus it was protected vaginal, and while they say there could be a risk from oral, I could not see the presence of blood in the mouth. I don't think did anything to put me at risk of exposure.
Common sense tells me I do not have it. But OCD has been destroying me. I always go to the what if. My OCD got the better of me and I ordered what I thought was an FDA approved HIV-1 and 2 test, but what I received was not what I ordered. Instead of being smart and returning it or tossing it, I took it. It said result within ten minutes. The directions said results after ten minute where not reliable, which means the reliable window of this test was very short. It developed with nothing on the T-line, the line that would indicate HIV-1 or 2, and the control line developed fine, meaning negative. I should have been done with it there. But then I looked at it again after about 4 minutes passed and a very faint, not discernible unless I really looked at it line appeared at the T. Of course I was upset. Rational thought told me that since it was not an approved test, the line didn't develop until it got close to the unreliable time frame and even then was not easily seen, and the possibility of to much fluid on the test, meant the test was junk. But, of course, the OCD.
I just sent in a Home Access HIV-1 test a few days ago. Having to draw my own blood, no matter how small the amount, was slightly traumatizing for me. I know I don't have HIV-1 or HIV-2, but the OCD keeps screaming what if? The common sense part of me says I don't even need to call for the results, I don't want to call for the results because it may just feed the OCD. "Its negative, but the test only tests for HIV-1 what if I have HIV-2? That other test had that line." Or "What if the test comes up indeterminate? That could mean HIV-2 or some other disease."
I don't know what to do. I keep fighting with myself. I should have never ordered any tests. It just fed the OCD, and dug me deeper into that hole. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. Usually if I have some type of problem I can talk to my family and that helps me work it out, but I cant talk to them about being afraid of HIV. I cant talk to my parents and tell them this story, thinking about what they may think. I have worked myself into a bit of a depression. The worse thing is I believe that no matter how much I get past this, and get to a point that I stop thinking about it and push it out of my head, that at some point the OCD will bring it, or something like it back into my head. I'm afraid that its not going to get easier. But I know if I keep trying it might. I know I'm not the only one with these fears.
Common sense tells me I do not have it. But OCD has been destroying me. I always go to the what if. My OCD got the better of me and I ordered what I thought was an FDA approved HIV-1 and 2 test, but what I received was not what I ordered. Instead of being smart and returning it or tossing it, I took it. It said result within ten minutes. The directions said results after ten minute where not reliable, which means the reliable window of this test was very short. It developed with nothing on the T-line, the line that would indicate HIV-1 or 2, and the control line developed fine, meaning negative. I should have been done with it there. But then I looked at it again after about 4 minutes passed and a very faint, not discernible unless I really looked at it line appeared at the T. Of course I was upset. Rational thought told me that since it was not an approved test, the line didn't develop until it got close to the unreliable time frame and even then was not easily seen, and the possibility of to much fluid on the test, meant the test was junk. But, of course, the OCD.
I just sent in a Home Access HIV-1 test a few days ago. Having to draw my own blood, no matter how small the amount, was slightly traumatizing for me. I know I don't have HIV-1 or HIV-2, but the OCD keeps screaming what if? The common sense part of me says I don't even need to call for the results, I don't want to call for the results because it may just feed the OCD. "Its negative, but the test only tests for HIV-1 what if I have HIV-2? That other test had that line." Or "What if the test comes up indeterminate? That could mean HIV-2 or some other disease."
I don't know what to do. I keep fighting with myself. I should have never ordered any tests. It just fed the OCD, and dug me deeper into that hole. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. Usually if I have some type of problem I can talk to my family and that helps me work it out, but I cant talk to them about being afraid of HIV. I cant talk to my parents and tell them this story, thinking about what they may think. I have worked myself into a bit of a depression. The worse thing is I believe that no matter how much I get past this, and get to a point that I stop thinking about it and push it out of my head, that at some point the OCD will bring it, or something like it back into my head. I'm afraid that its not going to get easier. But I know if I keep trying it might. I know I'm not the only one with these fears.
If you haven't put yourself at risk with a real risk situation where HIV is spread, then I'm sure your tests will come back negative. Even with a real risk, the chances of getting HIV is still very, very small.
OCD and HIV anxiety can appear to be the same thing because there is an irrational thought that plays over and over again. However, a person with OCD usually has many thoughts. i.e., when you get closure on one thought another comes along or an old one comes back. So you don't necessarily have OCD but rather HIV anxiety.
Hopefully your negative test results will put your mind at ease and you can let go of this thought.
Take care.
OCD and HIV anxiety can appear to be the same thing because there is an irrational thought that plays over and over again. However, a person with OCD usually has many thoughts. i.e., when you get closure on one thought another comes along or an old one comes back. So you don't necessarily have OCD but rather HIV anxiety.
Hopefully your negative test results will put your mind at ease and you can let go of this thought.
Take care.
I just took the same test I believe and the EXACT same thing happened to me. One very sure line came up by the control within 30 seconds of taking it. I didn't want to look so I left the room only to come back 3 minutes later and still only one line. I read the test wrong and thought I had to wait 10 minutes so when I came back there was the faintest little not even pink line by the T. I freaked out and starts googling what it was and it said that even the faintest line means positive... But it was negative (or so it said) for the first 5-6 minutes. I didn't even realize my obsession over this would be considered OCD. Me having HIV has been in my head for months... Checking my lymph nodes over and over. Checking my throat.. Wondering what every little pimple or hive (I have got them since I was little in the summer) was and then checking my boyfriend over and over scared to death that I gave him HIV. I took the home test because I was too afraid to get tested at the doctors for fear of how I'd react and be looked at if it came back positive. I don't know if the test helped knowing that the other line didn't show up until the test said it would be invalid or if it made it worse.. I seem to be obsessing more over it. I'm a 23 year old mother and the fear and constant threat of my health is weighing heavily on my motherly duties and my stress health. I'm glad to know someone else took the same test and it was the same way... OCD huh? Never in my life did I think I would turn out this way constantly worrying about something so morbid. Ugh someone somewhere please give me some piece of mind... My bf and I are going to the free HIV testing tomorrow... I'm sick to my stomach with worry and I just hope that everything is okay. Not for me but for my loving, caring boyfriend.
Oh god dude I know exactly how you feel,it is not fun.I am in the same boat right now but it involves i thought I stepped on a syringe,I know I did not but well you know how ocd is.
Thank you for your help. I called the Home Access line and my test was as I expected, HIV negative. I felt better for a little bit, but then, of course my mind wandered back to that other test (which states it was an HIV-1 and HIV-2 test) that showed nothing and then 5 minutes later a faint line. I know that being as it is a knockoff Non-FDA approved test that it is invalid, and even if it wasn't it still showed a negative for the first 5 minutes. But my mind keeps going back to it.
Even though the Home Access test is only marketed as an HIV-1 test, I would think that after a little more than two years that even HIV-2 would have reacted. Is this a correct assumption? Should I worry anymore? I know deep down I shouldn't worry, but I cant shake it. I don't want to get into a habit of getting worried about HIV and going for a test every time I have protected sex, or receive oral sex, and I haven't had any sexual encounters since that time.
I am working on shaking the OCD, keeping busy and my mind occupied, getting out, and I have good daily runs of not thinking about it. Its just pops up during down time. I don't try to ignore it, I tell myself all the fact that are in favor of me not having HIV-2. No matter how many multitudes of facts that weigh against it, all it takes is that thought of that no-FDA test to make me stay in that bad train of thought. But now I know with the right tools I can start getting out of that rut.
Even though the Home Access test is only marketed as an HIV-1 test, I would think that after a little more than two years that even HIV-2 would have reacted. Is this a correct assumption? Should I worry anymore? I know deep down I shouldn't worry, but I cant shake it. I don't want to get into a habit of getting worried about HIV and going for a test every time I have protected sex, or receive oral sex, and I haven't had any sexual encounters since that time.
I am working on shaking the OCD, keeping busy and my mind occupied, getting out, and I have good daily runs of not thinking about it. Its just pops up during down time. I don't try to ignore it, I tell myself all the fact that are in favor of me not having HIV-2. No matter how many multitudes of facts that weigh against it, all it takes is that thought of that no-FDA test to make me stay in that bad train of thought. But now I know with the right tools I can start getting out of that rut.
I suffered with this overwhelming and sometimes debilitating fear for 10 years. I was convinced I had it because of a mistake I made with a guy I knew...one time. I took a test a week later, which was negative but they told me it was too soon and to come back. I did not. I was too scared. So, for ten years despite my Dr and therapist trying to reassure me I was ok. Finally, and only because I had to because I'm pregnant, I took a test. Apparently I'm ok, but its always on my mind that they may have been wrong rather than being relieved. My husband of 4 years is perfectly fine might I add. I understand how you are feeling. My experience was low risk also, but my mind fights me!
No you are certainly not the only one with this fear. You know your thoughts are irrational but you can't make them stop. I'm sure everybody on this forum has been where you are at one time or another.
We like to have control over all situations and this is an "unknown" in your mind and therefore out of your control. If you feel that the tests you took are not accurate, then go to the doctor and get a proper test. Do I think you are positive from a two years ago protected sexual encounter, no I don't and I can tell that deep down inside you don't either but that damn mind of ours....Ugh.
Have you been to see a therapist? A psychologist that could teach you cognitive behavioral therapy? A psychiatrist to look at medication options? Are you open to taking medication? These are some things that you need to figure out. Sometimes we need to get some outside help dealing with these types of issues. It sounds to me that you don't really know how to get out of this cycle of thinking.
For me, I said in an AIDS clinic for several weeks to overcome my fear of HIV. I also donate blood regularly and of course blood donations are tested nine ways to Sunday.
For my own OCD, I take medication and I did learn CBT years ago. To this day I have to use CBT during panic attacks. For the most part my medication allows me to live a very normal life. I think the thought and I can let it go. If I can't, then I breathe and eventually I know it will go away. It is all about have the right tools to help yourself and it doesn't sound like you have those right now.
Also, you may want to pick up the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is very helpful and has information on how to help yourself. You have to be proactive, you have to commit to getting better.
Take care and post again if you need anything else.
We like to have control over all situations and this is an "unknown" in your mind and therefore out of your control. If you feel that the tests you took are not accurate, then go to the doctor and get a proper test. Do I think you are positive from a two years ago protected sexual encounter, no I don't and I can tell that deep down inside you don't either but that damn mind of ours....Ugh.
Have you been to see a therapist? A psychologist that could teach you cognitive behavioral therapy? A psychiatrist to look at medication options? Are you open to taking medication? These are some things that you need to figure out. Sometimes we need to get some outside help dealing with these types of issues. It sounds to me that you don't really know how to get out of this cycle of thinking.
For me, I said in an AIDS clinic for several weeks to overcome my fear of HIV. I also donate blood regularly and of course blood donations are tested nine ways to Sunday.
For my own OCD, I take medication and I did learn CBT years ago. To this day I have to use CBT during panic attacks. For the most part my medication allows me to live a very normal life. I think the thought and I can let it go. If I can't, then I breathe and eventually I know it will go away. It is all about have the right tools to help yourself and it doesn't sound like you have those right now.
Also, you may want to pick up the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is very helpful and has information on how to help yourself. You have to be proactive, you have to commit to getting better.
Take care and post again if you need anything else.
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