H OCD?

[GlassPrison]

I keep having really disgusting (to me at least) gay thoughts pop into my head. I recognize that I've had such thoughts before in the past, but up until recently I've always been able to laugh it off or be like "whoa that's effed up..." then I'll ignore it. But those thoughts were very rare, while these come at least once a day.

In addition to thoughts, I'm finding myself continually afraid to talk to my guy friends because it's like I've convinced myself that talking to other guys is gay or something. It's like I'm afraid that everything I do is gay somehow. Even though It's not. Sometimes I can sit back, assess the situation (btw, I just had a thought that me choosing the word 'assess' was gay because of the '***' in it...it's pathetic, I know) and realize how idiotic it is. But other times my mind just runs wild and let's those thoughts gain more ground than they should.

Before anyone says "you're just afraid to admit you're gay!"...I'm not. I'm attracted to women and have been my entire life. I don't look at guys and go "well that's hot" or anything like that. However, whenever I see another guy (be it in-person or on tv) I start thinking that it was gay of me to even notice that they're there... o.O.

I think I know what triggered this. I'm 20 and I recently broke up with my first girlfriend. So I'm thinking that somehow made me lose confidence in my sexuality or self in general. I'm also finding myself pulling up completely unrelated things from my past as proof against myself.

I've not been diagnosed with OCD yet, but I have taken a few tests online that seem to suggest I do. I don't know how accurate/trustworthy they are though. I'm scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist on Monday, so we'll see how that goes. Just wanted to get some reassurance that H OCD is what's going on here.

Also, I seem to deeply fear and obsess about a few other things in my life. Does this seem like an out of control case of OCD to you? The only doubt in my mind about it being OCD is that I don't do any of the physical things linked with OCD (washing my hands, cleaning everything, etc). It's all contained in my head...

[gary362]

Sorry about dragging on but, whenver i think my front door is not locked i have to check it constantly to check that it i  because i fear that someone will come in and rob the house or kill my family also i have to check if the switches in the room are all of if they are bnot then i asssume that it will short circuit and there will be a fire and we will all die, also if the taps are not closed i have to check because i fear that if it is left open then the whole house will flood water and we will drown to death. Everytime i acknowledge a man is good looking i think i am gay, any movement in my groinal area and i automatically think that i was thinking of a male and that sis what caused it to move. I have to keep looking at males and their genitals and different sorts of gay porn to make sure i do not get aroused. This intrusive thoughts all began when my friend told me that this person who was on my course at my college was bnbisexual and evrytime i looked at him i thought because i stared at him i am gay and then the images of having sex and doing acts came into my head and i immediately began to question my sexuality. I seriously need help everytime i see a good looking woman i feel happy because i know that i am aroused by her, however if i notice a man looking at me or vice versa i think i am gay or checking out some part of his body i think i am gay.  Please help these thoughts have consumed my life and i will never be the same i am starting a new semester and need to be normal again otherwise i won't be able to concentrate on my studying. Please i am in need of serious reassurance about my sexuality and if you think i am gay and repressed please tell me even thought i will not be able to handle it. I have only masturbated to my gay fantasies seven times and evrytime after i have finished i feel very guilty an tell my self "what are you doing" then i seek the constance reassurance that i am not gay from forums like this.

[gary362]

To add to this is that whenver i think of kissing my girlfriend i become aroused, but then i image of a man comes in my head and i automatically assume that i am gay. I honestly do not want to be with a man i want to be with a womanand have kids and have a happy hetrosexual life but the thought of masturbating to males and orgasming really haunts me and then i question myself and i feel really down. Could i just be excited to these thoughts due to my nervousness and due to that it kick starts my arousal. If anybody tells me i am gay then ill truly kill myself or be depressed for my enitre life. I really would appreciate if someone could tell me if i have ocd or not.  

[gary362]

I masturbate to kissing a boy or sometimes giving him head, yet ive never been attracted to a guy in my whole life, i've only had crushes on girls and when i do masturbate to these thoughts i feel depressed and suicidal, i nearly slit my wrists at one point, but i only love women and if i scrutinize the thoughts properly i don't like the thought of being in a relationship with a man it just is not me also whenever i think of being in a relationship with a woman it makes me smile and i feel happy. I have a girlfreind we've kissed and she has touched my groinal area and i was really aroused, but even so i still have to check whether i am gay or not, by watching gay porn to reassure myself and i keep doing this, gay fantasies and gay porn does not give me an erection however mastuburbating to them i orgasm why is this i am so sad is this hocd or repressed homosexuality please help! :(:(:(:( P.S I am 19 and just only discovered masturbation 2 months ago

[Hardware444]

Thx alot for ur words

[ventojoe]

There really is no attraction man. It makes you feel that way because it is very overpowering. You will need to see a doctor. Your doctor will help you make your life a heck of alot easier. If this thing has just been triggered then yes it is really overwhelming to the point of making you feel like one. Been there man. In time it will heal but the medication definitely helps alot. Just remember you are not the only one going thru it. That helps alot too knowing that there are millions out there that are going thru what you are going.

[hysteria81]

I had H OCD for a while until I finally saw a psychiatrist and got the right medication.  It eventually came back but then I saw one of the top CBT psychologists in the country, or even the world (a girl from Hong Kong came to see her) and now I have NO OCD at all!!  Okay well once in a while I'll worry about things a little too much but I don't spend nearly as much time on it.  So CBT does help alot

[Hardware444]

yea

[Hardware444]

Same with me

Questions
So basically what you are all saying, what makes us not a homosexual is that we do not want to, even tho we have the attraction and disgusting gronial response
(was not there before the ocd)


One last thing regarding HOCD, since the attraction and disgusting gronial response are a symptom of the OCD, when the OCD gets better will it start to fade and the fear of being attracted to the same sex reduced. This all started when the OCD started (hopefully is OCD) so i assume it is a symptom of the OCD...

Any Thoughts would be welcome

[ventojoe]

Man, everything you wrote down is the exact copy of what I am going through. I have been suffering from HOCD for 10 years now but it is by no means anywhere as bad as when it started. I use to watch every movement I make to make sure it wasn't girly and I used have serious trouble looking at another guy's face while talking to them. Trust me man, in due time you will get better. Even now I still get obtrusive thoughts but it is more annoying than anything. Funny thing is everytime I get these silly thoughts I can feel my head tightening. Go figure.

[sgwan]

hey, no you are not gay, I have the same problems. I notice guys are good looking which scares me, but I know Im not gay, Im atracted to grils and all that. (even typing this scares me)  but believe me, yes OCD does trick the mind.

believe me man, youa re not alone, I for one is the same as you in thinking this, and its somthing that we need to pray about and rebuke.

and yes this is all OCD, but OCD is not somthing that we catch like a cold, its basically somthing that gets into our mind, like mine and your problem, and then it convinces us of somthing that not real, and everyting we do, always seems to convince us we did it cuzz we are gay, or because this and that.

Just keep living man, and dont let it take controll. put it away from your mind. rememeber in the bible, God says he promises us a sound mind. so look to Jesus and he will diliver you.

I for one am struggling, but I know this will help us both.

[MrFoo]

Hello, well I have just overcome a bout of this myself my friend, and the your not gay.

HOCD tricks yourself into thinking you are, I was doing the same thing, I was happy in my relationship with my Girl and the sex life was great etc.. then because I had a gay image in my head while I was making love it freaked me out, and I became very ill with thoughts I was gay and that my relationship was over.

But as you I have been attracted to women my whole life and never looked at a man, but this OCD was convicing me I was and I had suddenly turned.

Gay people know they are gay and 95% know from a really young age, dont worry the obession will ease off as it has done to me, but advice to you is to seek councilling as I did and get to the bottom of all your issues and you will be a lot happier.

So dont worry, your not gay, you never were and you never will be, dont think to much into it, try to resume your life as it were but get councilling for your other OCD's.

Take care.