HIV FEAR AND OCD HELP

[scared747]

For sometime now i have had a fear of HIV. Perhaps irrational or perhaps real risks. I'm just tired of living like this. Here for example are some scenarios of the last couple of months...

- Went to the dentist because of an infected root canal. As i checked out on the front desk, there was a red spot of the paperwork. I immediately though it was blood. I started coming up with scenarios of where the blood came from. including the one that it was the dentists blood, and somehow she cut herself while performing the procedure and got in my mouth and therefore I got HIV. I had a panic attack followed by depression and anxiety..

- 3 weeks later went to Spain and drank some wine from some other people at a bullfight ( a whole bunch of Spanish cattle ranchers) who were celebrating and passed on the bottle.  I went ahead and drank some of it.. Panic attack and anxiety.

- a week ago, at work, I grabbed my coworkers coffee cup instead of mine, and drank out of it.... same story..

- BUT THE WORSE. just happened a few days ago...went to a Stripclub.. I was pretty drunk and paid for a few lap dances. never went to the VIP room or anything.... i kind of remember the night but hazy...i wasn't blacking out but  i definetely don't remember details and timing . i asked my buddy and he said we were by the bar all night and thats were the lap dances happened... however i saw a couple of calls on my phone that i don't remember, including one to my buddy who i was with and one to my wife, which she didn't answer..but i don't remember when i called... Now my brain is going insane with "what ifs"...Did i have sex with one of the strippers and don't remember at all. Did i  go to the back room, and they took advantage of me and gave me HIV. I remember one girl showed me she was lactating and i was grossed out... well now i think that on my drunken state I sucked her nipple with the breast milk and got HIV. It is killing me not remembering details or perhaps i'm coming out with scenarios that didn't even exist that might have exposed me to HIV.  Is it my OCD in a mix with a moment where perhaps i had not complete control of my actions? Is it guilt because im married?  I'm in terrible anxiety and panic at this time... I'm convinced that i screwed one of the girls and i have HIV and will pass it to my wife, even though a part of my brain says, how could that be.  I even researched on the internet about the club and found online that some dancer had HIV at that club 9 years ago... complete panic attack... Im afraid of having sex with my wife

Please Help..   Is this my OCD anxiety or true risks?  I would think that even drunk i would remember sex, especially when i have a paranoia of HIV.. Also everytime I overcome a though, another possibility pops up. Today I have been on the internet all day researching strippers and HIV, breast milk and HIV etcetcetcetctect

I also think that HIV would be the punishment for going to the strip club when married...

How come other people and my friends don't worry about stuff like this?

Should i seek mental help?

[michael852]

Well I ve odder conversations before lol. Ouch the sex drive thing is kind of a downer for me because I wan to get things re sparked with my gf,so i ll have to take that into consideration

[JGF25]

Of course I'm not a doctor so this is something you would have to discuss with your psychiatrist who prescribes the meds.  But since I see that you are young there are a few things to keep in mind for your discussion.  The most typically prescribed medications are SSRIs.  Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors.  It is thought that people with OCD don't have enough serotonin in their brains and serotonin affects mood and cell to cell communication, etc.  One of the side affects of SSRIs is that they can affect your sex drive...i.e., diminish it.  Of course not all side affects are felt by all people.  Having said that, I take what is called a SNRI...Wellbutrin.  It works on a different neurotransmitter in the brain.  I chose it for the specific reason that it has the least sexual side affects.  I have been on SSRIs before and I did suffer from the sexual side affect.  On the other hand, having been on SSRIs that have worked for me in the past, I cannot say for sure what works best for OCD, SSRIs or SNRIs.  I have more panic on Wellbutrin than I ever remember having on Prozac.  But I am old and have been battling OCD for a long time and so I feel that I can handle the panic that I occasionally have still.  I can't believe I'm having this conversation with a 22 year old.  LOL In any case, just look at all the side affects and weigh the pros and the cons of each one.  You could try one and if you don't like it you can switch to another.  People do this all the time.  I tried two SSRIs, celexa and lexapro, before finally settling on Wellbutrin this time around.  Medication gave me my life back...twice.  .  

[michael852]

thank you and today I ve come to the conclusion that I might need meds bc right now on the outside I am calm but in my head the whole needle thing is driving me mad inside.Have any suggestions of meds I could look into

[JGF25]

Of course you would.  I use a needle at work to poke holes in the tops of tinfoil (don't ask) but I reuse the needle and sometimes when I am going to put the cap on I am not paying attention.  I have jabbed that needle into my fingers so many times I have lost count.  It hurts, it bleeds, and there is no way in hell you would not know it has happened.  So the answer to your question is yes, you would defintiely know if you stepped on a needle.  You would FEEL it and you would SEE it.  

[michael852]

yea I should look into it and random ocd driven question would yo notice if a syringe stuck you in the bare bottom of your toe?

[JGF25]

CBT should always be the first step.  From there you can decide with your psychologist if medication is warranted.  For alot of people a combination of CBT and meds works really well.  Yes, sometimes thre are side affects but you have to weight the pros and the cons.  If you can get by with CBT then all the better.  But if not, then don't rule out meds as a backup.  They work effectively for most people and that includes myself.  

[michael852]

right now just going to a shrink for basic counselling that is it, I m looking into meds but right now i am very unsure about them,i ve heard of bad side effects and what not

[scared747]

I agree.. its amazing how the brain plays games.... Question... how are you dealing with the OCD...cognitive therapy or medication?

THx

[michael852]

btw every risk you think you had for hiv,is none existent.I do know think strippers would take advantage of you because think about it,if that got out think about the lawsuit and the bad public spot light and the breast milk thats only a risk for babies,and the drinking after someone no way in hell can you get hiv that way. Trust me learn the facts about how you can get hiv,it kind of helps.

[michael852]

Yeah I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Some of the anxiety you are facing could be coming from guilt bc when I had my experience I had a gf and I felt terrible and that made the broken record even worst by ten or so.My personal opinion it sounds like you have OCD(I am not a doc btw)

[scared747]

Hey michael852
You hit it right on the nail...its like a broken record over and over.  the mind tries to create scenarios and then u try to justify that scenario, and then another one comes up.... It ***** ... Never ending

[michael852]

Yes you should get help for it,because if you do not it will do to you what this fear did to me,and that is drive you insane.When this fear hit me I did not know what to make of it so I just ignored it and before I knew it I had a broken record going on in my head and from all the anxiety this fear caused me it damaged me,my relationships,my life ect,so the sooner you get a handle on this the better.Hell right now I am freaking out about a whole syringe incident that probably never happened,but the mind is a powerful thing