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HOCD--Help?
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HOCD--Help?

Hi! I'm an average girl in her teens, and I pray I'm suffering from HOCD, not denial. All of my life, I've been attracted to guys. When I was a child (around 6 or 7) my older sister sexually experimented on me, but we never went past innocent curiosity, not did I see it as 'I like girls'. I encountered the fear when a girl bent over and I unconsciously looked at her bottom. Thus, my HOCD started. At that time, I was still aroused by men, but now I'm suffering loss of attraction. Though, I do not have feelings for females either. When I think about guys, I don't get aroused like I used to. When I think about girls, I get what I pray are groin responses. When I get this sensation, I freak out. I am very religious, so I do not want to be gay. Even if homosexuality wasn't a sin, I don't like the idea of being with another girl. Even so, I don't get excited about boys like I used to. I have multiple compulsions, praying being included. Can HOCD change my heterosexual orientation? In other words, can I worry myself into becoming gay? Even when I try to agree with my HOCD when it says things like,"You're gay and you know it," or, "You like that girl," I can't help but tell myself I'm straight. I'm into anime, and for those who know the basis of it, there's quite a bit of teasing nudity of females. I've always watched these animes and I have never had a problem with it. I never looked at the females lustfully. Now I get heart palpitations over seeing cleavage or other female parts. Even hugging females make me anxious, which has never happened. If I am gay (which I pray I am not), can I change it? I really don't want to be gay, no offense to those who are. It's just not my cup of tea, and I don't want my male preferences to change. For all of you religious HOCD sufferers (I am a Christian), can I pray my HOCD away? If I am gay, can I ask God to change that?
Thanks to those who answer in advance :)
13 Comments Post a Comment
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1699033_tn?1443113373
Hi there.  Here is my take on being gay or not.  I believe it is genetic.  We cannot wake up one day and become gay. It is already hardwired in our genes therefore it is impossible to worry yourself into becoming gay.  

Your mind is playing tricks on you.  Usually there is a trigger and I'm sure that experimentation when you were young is why you are keying in on the HOCD thing.  And honestly I'm not surprised since you said you have other compulsions.  

Were you ever formally diagnosed with OCD?  
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11722581_tn?1423964444
Dear JGF25,
I appreciate your speedy response! To answer your question, no, I have not been formally diagnosed. I've entered into forums and I have been told that this is most likely HOCD, and I have also done a monstrous load of research as well, giving me a little insight that it may be HOCD. I'm starting my first day of therapy for this problem
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11722581_tn?1423964444
Dear JGF25,
I appreciate your speedy response! To answer your question, no, I have not been formally diagnosed. I've entered into forums and I have been told that this is most likely HOCD, and I have also done a monstrous load of research as well, giving me a little insight that it may be HOCD. I'm starting my first day of therapy for this problem on the 25th. I've just started my first year high school, and there are lots of gays. In other words, gay is normal. I've never really been exposed to homosexuality in such a large quanity, and my mother believes this is playing a part in my newfound fear. It's quite frustrating! I can't watch Frozen with my little sister without having to reassure myself by performing compulsions. What do you suggest I do?
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Avatar_f_tn
Reading this I feel your fear and horrible worry. I have OCD and have gone through pretty much every theme possible. I will not go into detail because I don't want to trigger yours, but I can say that it is horrible especially when you start believing what your OCD tells you. I went through and am still sort of going through the same thing as you, what I also pray to God is HOCD. I'm not even sure how it started :( but, like you, it scares me to death. I also am a Christian and being homosexual is against my morals and even though I am not against gays or lesbians I just DO NOT want to be gay. I am 20 yrs. old & have a husband and baby & I am pregnant. My HOCD got so bad at one point that I felt no attraction for my husband. I thought I didn't love him anymore and couldn't be intimate with him. I had to go to my mother's house for a couple of weeks. That's how bad it was :( it is really hard dealing with this condition. You feel like you've lost your identity and no longer know who you are or what you like!! The worry over this subject eventually lessened some, but I still get a little worried when I sometimes see pretty girls on TV. My brain instantly says "You are attracted to her, you like her". Girls with bikinis or on music videos are another cause of fear :\ I also get what I hope is the groinal response :(( .. Sometimes it helps to hear that someone else knows how you feel, really. & can somehow relate to you.. Right now I am going through another theme of OCD, along with the creepy feelings and thoughts of being a lesbian. All I can tell you is to try to distract yourself as much as possible. If you feel comfortable enough to talk about this with someone close to you, do it. Surround yourself with stuff and people that make you happy, go out, read, or do whatever you like so your mind can distract itself and have other things to focus on and think about... maybe make an appointment with a therapist or paychiatrist. Try to calm down and not over analyze these thoughts you're getting. I know this is extremely hard and can be counter productive but try. I am also here for you, if you would like to talk or get some things off of your chest. I know this is a sensitive subject to talk about with family and friends, no matter how close. Especially if you are Christian & you are afraid of being wrongly judged. I do recommend praying also, read the bible. I know God listens to all of our problems and he understands more than anyone ever could, how we feel and what we are going through. Have faith and trust that things will be ok at the end, no matter how hard and bad they seem. Remember that for God, all things are possible. Even if your prayers aren't answered right away, it's all in His time. Sooner or later your prayers will be answered by Him, in His perfect timing. Who knows, maybe we are blessed. This horrible condition and the hard times it brings with it, does bring us closer to God.. Hang in there, I am almost sure you are not a lesbian just another victim of OCD.
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1699033_tn?1443113373
You are doing exactly what I would suggest which is enter into therapy.  They should be teaching you cognitive behavioral therapy so that you can learn how to help yourself when these thoughts come into your head.  Good luck and let me know how it is going.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there,
When I was a freshman in high school I was terrified at the thought of being gay. I was raised in an Irish Catholic family myself. I didn't believe homosexuality was wrong, but the thought of suddenly realizing I could be gay terrified me. I am not gay, and I knew deep down that I wasn't then...just like you know deep down that you are not. This sounds like classic HOCD, worrying about ones sexuality is very common for OCD sufferers.
My fears started in 8th grade, I had gone to a classmate's house to hang out and work on a project. I had heard rumors that she was gay, but I hadn't given it much thought. While I was sitting at the computer she came from behind me and started to rub the area above my breast. I was so uncomfortable and anxious. She showed me a playboy magazine that she found in her brother's bedroom. I felt very nervous throughout the whole day and I ended up leaving home early. I told her later that I did not want to be her friend because she was too touchy. I know I really hurt her feelings and I do wish I could take how I reacted back. I let my OCD get the best of me. From then on I was in a constant panic. I kept questioning myself...What if I looked at her magazine for too long? What if I liked it? What does this mean??
Whenever I was at the pool I was always so nervous about looking at other girls in their bathing suits. Why am I looking at them? What if they think I am gay? You mentioned feeling anxious about viewing a girl’s bottom when she bent over…this is normal and part of being human! We observe other people. Just because you look at other people, that does not make you gay. When I had HOCD I tried to convince myself that the reason I looked at girls was because I was attracted to them…I now know that is not true. This is the same for you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now...it is such a tough thing to go through…but I promise you...this is your OCD. This is what OCD does...it can be very cruel. What helped me truly get over these worries was time. I know this can be tough to hear...because waiting can be so stressful for a worrier, but I promise with time these fears will fade. As I got older I became very comfortable with my sexuality and you will too.
My sophomore year of high school I became good friends with a girl who was gay. Talking to her and getting to know her really helped me.
Sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference between HOCD and actual homosexuality, but there is one big difference. When you think about being with a woman and imagine being gay you feel great anxiety. The idea of being with someone of the same sex is not pleasurable, but painful and anxiety provoking. When someone is homosexual they fantasize about others of the same sex the same way a straight person fantasizes about being with someone of the opposite sex, they enjoy it, it is pleasurable. Your thoughts are not homosexual fantasies, they are obsessive worries. You do not enjoy them in the least, because they cause you such great pain and anxiety. Homosexual have worries based on acceptance and confusion, from a young age they know they are different; they feel drawn and attracted to someone of the opposite sex. My friend from high school knew she was different from a very very young age. The thought of being with man makes her feel uncomfortable and anxious the way you feel when thinking about being with a woman.
These thoughts of yours are just that...thoughts...OCD thoughts!
You have had crushes on guys before and you will have crushes on them again. People with OCD often feel they lack control, but you have to realize that you are in 100% control of yourself, of how you feel and how you react to life.
You mentioned worries about viewing anime and whether or not you feel aroused by viewing it. (Groin feelings) It is totally normal to be curious about different things and it is also normal to feel aroused by certain things even if you are not interested in acting on them. I once ready a scientific study released on sexual arousal in men and in women. The study found that women were more likely to react to certain stimuli than men…meaning: straight woman often feel aroused (feeling in your groin) even though they are straight.
However I believe these “feelings” are mostly caused by your worries. You can make yourself worry about being gay, you can even convince yourself you are gay or that you may feel sexually aroused by hugging your friend or viewing anime…but you cannot… I repeat CANNOT worry yourself into becoming gay. Sexuality is set form the get go.
You must reevalute these thoughts and then refocus. Realize these are obsessive, worrisome thoughts. Speaking to a therapist is very helpful, as well as writing in a journal and exercising (running is the best man!!) The most important thing, however, is discipline. Practice breaking this worrying habit. Your brain has developed a habit of worrying and you must work on developing healthier, smarter and happier habits. (I need to work on this myself!)
Worrying about ones sexuality is totally normal, even for people without OCD. When I was a young teenager the thought of talking about fears of homosexuality with friends was unimaginable to me. But now that I am older, it seems everyone I have met have admitted to these fears before...even my own mother told me she has. This is all part of being  teenager, it is a strange time…hormones going all over the place! But you will get through this :)
Your HOCD cannot change you sexuality..it CANNOT! I promise you this. What it can do is make you worry over things not worth worrying out. Try not to feel anxious when being with friends or hugging them..don't let your worries take away fun times meeting new people and hanging out with old friends. Remember you are not alone, you are never alone.
This leads me to my last thing... there is absolutely no need to pray to God to make you not gay, because you are not gay. What you can do it pray to God that you can soon stop worrying and live your life. God is love, and love is for all people, straight, gay etc. Whatever happens to you, whatever you do and whoever you are, you are loved. It’s time you love yourself. Worrying takes away the beauty of life. Focus on your life and living it to the fullest.
You sound like a genuine, caring person! I wish you the best of luck, and I promise you that this will pass.
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11722581_tn?1423964444
Dear kroconnor19 and anxiouslysad_meli,
Thank you so much for taking the time out to read my post, as well as giving your condolences. You guys boosted my confidence quite a bit! I guess you two were sent by God to help me, so bless you. I'll remember to read these responses when I start to doubt myself. Thank you so much! I'll be sure to keep you both updated.
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Avatar_f_tn
Sounds like a plan :) Good luck again and if you find yourself anxious in the future feel free to let us know!
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11722581_tn?1423964444
Dear kroconnor19 and anxiouslysad_meli,
Alas, I have started therapy. My therapist is quite kind and easy to talk to. I'm still having doubts, considering my non-arousal to opposite sex fantasies. Instead, I get groinal responses to everything pertaining to females. Now I even worry that I may want to be gay. As of now, you are my angels sent by God. Could you please help me cope? I freak out in the mornings. And now when I think I'm gay, I don't get anxious. I don't know what to think. I don't want to be gay, my mind will not change on that. I don't know what to do. I pray that God is working. Please help.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi I'm a 16 year old boy who feared to be gay. I understand what you're saying when you say you freak out in the mornings, because every time I woke up it was the first thing I thought of and the last thing I thought before I went to bed. Feeling like you want to be gay is just another symptom many people with HOCD face when they've suffered from it for a long time. I can assure you that this is HOCD and you're doing everything right by doing therapy
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11722581_tn?1423964444
Dear Rywol,
I'm sorry about the late reply. I hadn't seen the "show more" button until now, thus my now seeing your words of help. I've only been to one therapy session this far. I believe my HOCD is getting worse. It's gotten to the point where I've thought "gay" things such as, "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad." As I type, I'm fighting off the thought of being gay. I'm afraid I may just be telling myself that. The groinal responses are stronger, so I'm freaking out. I really don't want to be gay. Would you offer some help to me?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, ArminArlert!
Just thought I'd let you know that I'm 18 and pregnant and I've been going through the same EXACT thing! I've gotten to the point where my anxiety has faded but the intrusive thoughts still remain. So honestly, we have to ask ourselves, is the anxiety really not there or is this just the OCD hitting me at a different angle because it is fighting against me? I started to feel less anxious after telling myself that I was gay in hopes that it would make the thought less scary, but it only made my problem worse by making me feel like I wanted to be gay, but deep down, I'm in love with the fathr of my child, my boyfriend, we both are Christians, and I love our baby that is growing inside of me and I do not want its family to be split up because mommy has OCD. They are what keeps me going on my journey to find an answer to this mental illness. You need that kind of motivation too and I'm sure God will see us through as long as we don't give up. Just know that He will never lead you anywhere He can't keep you. And just because Peter fell into the water, doesn't mean you can't walk with Jesus on the waves and through the storm now :)
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh and one more thing! Here's how I'm dealing with it! You just have to have a whatever attitude, you know? Yeah you have the thoughts, yeah they're scary, but everyone else is right, they're just thoughts! They can't touch you and they can't bully you into being gay! And what's more, God is greater than all of this, He's bigger than it and He can conquer it all if you would just surreneder your fears and give them all to Him. The more you go on without doing those things, the more you will cry and be in pain. And Jesus is crying those same tears right there with you, honey. Yes, being gay is a sin, Paul talks about it in the book of Romans. God asks the homosexual to give up relationships and follow Christ. I think that's why they are born different. But gay is definitely a real thing and it is genetic, but you and I aren't gay. If we were, we would have started liking girls and ACTUALLY liking them a LONG time ago! Some other things I do to add to the whatever attitude is healthy excercise and eating, yoga, and when I have a spike, or my anxiety shoots through the roof, I drink some chamomile tea :) it really helps! Try it sometime!
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