HOCD: How bad can it get?

[c888]

I'm hitting absolute rock bottom... my "HOCD" started about a year ago... 2.5 years ago my dad died, and I have been depressed ever since and have never been able to feel happy... slowly, ive been getting worse and worse and worse. I can't concentrate, I waste a ton of time on the internet (like now, compulsively trying to reassure and find answers). I think my HOCD started around the time I started going to dating sites such as POF, I had some bad experiences/ no luck, and then I had some gay dreams (not me doing anything gay, but naked men) and then I started obsessing about this guy at my work who I got pissed off at for various reasons, and then the intrusive thoughts came, the terror came, the doubt, the panic attacks, etc... This guy would not leave my head, he kept popping up, it was terrible. Now, he's gone, and some other guy in my class is constantly popping up into my head, and I absolutely hate it I yell go away out loud. I become severly disabled, super depressed, and I don't want to continue on any more... I just want to disappear somewhere and have this go away... I first had sex with a girl when I was 16 and now i'm 20, since that first one i've been with a few, out which one was a so called relationship which didn't last long, and the last one was just a bad expirience...  during the so called relationship i was in, even while having sex, or after sex, I would have some intrusive thoughts pop up... after sex, I would be driving home constantly doubting myself if I enjoyed it (even though I know during sex I was) this didn't happen everytime, but enough to terrorize me... this whole HOCD has been on and off, but it's mostly on and it's terrible, I want it to stop... i've been to 2 counselors and nothing has happened, I can't seem to follow their advice and i'm very stubborn as it is (always have been) who do I turn to?

[JGF25]

Hi there.  First let me tell you my take on being gay.  I think it is based in genetics and that we are born gay or we are not.  There is no switch in me that is going to turn off my hormones that make me attracted to men when I wake up one day.  It is hardwired in my DNA.  

Having said that, if being in a relationship with a guy, having sex with another man, is not something you can see yourself doing then you cannot possibly be gay.  It doesn't matter if your other relationships with women didn't work out.  You are 20.  Hell...in college I went on just a couple of dates and they didn't work out.  They were guys I was not really attracted to but wanted to go out...you know know I did...I hung out with my friends and said the hell with dating.  When the right guy comes along, I'll know.  And he did.  

You have a lot of stress in your life.  You are young, lost a parent, and you are depressed by your own admission.  Depression *****.  It takes the life right out of us. You say you want help and that you have been to two counselors but yet you say you are stubborn and can't follow their advice.  Why not?  Do you think you have the answer because it sure doesn't sound like it.  Internet searches are not your friend actually.  What they do is just perpetuate the thinking because you are only going to key in on the negative and look right past the positive facts out there.  

Here is an article that you might find interesting.  It is written by a gay guy.

www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php‎

When you say counselors, who did you see exactly?  Were these people psychologists?  

[c888]

By the way there's a lot more behind this and a lot more detail but I thought I wouldn't write about it all because it would take 20 pages...