HOCD???

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[Brendan478]

okay i'm guessing that my question was too ranty for anyone to understand...

[Susan1944]

I am guessing that you're bisexual ; just my opinion. Susan

[SetAbominae]

Hey man. I have had hocd for 11 months now, i'm being treated with meds, and soon CBT. I have been diagnosed with (H)ocd, and when I read your story, it is one I have read a 1000 times already. And no, i'm willing to bet you ain't bi either. I mean, I have had gay and bisexual people tell me that i'm not gay/bi, because that would mean one had to enjoy these thoughts, even secretly, which is not the case, though ocd is tricky.. I'm a member of an ocd forum, neuroticplanet.com, and there are hundreds of people like you and me there, dealing with all manner of sexual obsessions, mainly hocd, but also paedophilic obsessions, obsesssions that they want to divorce their partner, while they don't want to, etc. Anyway, I hope to see you on NP! Stay strong, and don't blame people for thinking you are bi/gay, they just haven't been in our shoes, man. Cheers.

[NickKick]

First of all Susan, i think your on the wrong site and forum but thanks for your opnion.

Brendan I hope this helps you out.

Ever since I can remember I have been a worrier. I have worried about everything. Health, family members passing, aniexty over my own death, the world ending. As you can see these are mainly health issues. When I was younger my dad was told he had a tumor under his knee, as a seven year old i looked up the word in the dictionary and found that it was related to cancer, freaked, worried and thought he was going to die, until he we were told it was a sist and he'd be fine. Thats where i truely believe my ocd dissorder had stemed.

Now to H(ocd). I have always loved girls. ALWAYS. I have always thought about them, been attracted to them and that has never stopped but after I broke up with my first girlfriend when I was 16yrs old i got OCD about homosexsuality, and that was my first bout of HOCD. I was sitting on my couch watching tv and the word gay came up on the screen and my mind didnt leave me alone with this thought. Every second i would think about who I was, my sexsuality, what if i was gay and had never known before, maybe I was in denial. All these thoughts floatied in mind, after about 3weeks of constant, constant, 24/7 thinking and intrusive thoughts about being gay, i sunk into deep depression and my whole family had seen a change in me, my personality, my lack of input at school, my effort towards sport and life in general. I sunk into such deep depression suicide was also a thought because of my state of mind, I could not do anything but think of my own sexsuality.

During this bout of HOCD, i would do anything to hook up with a girl and prove to myself i wasnt gay and reassure myself i was straight. So much in fact that the first girl i hooked up with i went out with to prove to myself i was straight. The power of the mind had taken over and i was a slave to my intrusive thoughts, I was a puppet to a master (my mind).

After many months during 2006(around 6months), my thoughts had slowly dissapeared about being gay, and i had a better state of mind. These intrusive thoughts about being gay had dissappeared and I believed that I had my life back, i was back to being me, loving life, being madly attracted to hot girls, all stuff a 17year old is entitled too. I had never told anyone about my thoughts and comulsions at this stage as i thought i could deal with it on my own.

In 2008, last year, my family and I travelled back home in europe. Three weeks into the trip, i had self esteem issues, with all these good looking european boys around and constantly was measuring myself up againest, even to a stage where i was checking out their bodies at the beach, being jealous of what they had but never being attracted to them. Then after a car ride home from the beach, my second bout of HOCD had started and the same story as 2006 had started all over again and had the constant 24/7 thoughts about my own sexsuality. It cosumed me so much that i felt it tainted my hoilday and i sunk into a deep state of total confusion as to why this had started again and eventually more depression. I finally confronted my parents about my intrusive thoughts, depression and compulsions. This was the best move I ever made as it allowed me to tell my parents how I was feeling, what i was going through and it gave me extra support, i felt I could not deal with it this time on my own. As soon as we got back on my trip i was sent to a physcologist, who examined me and told me what i was suffering from.He is a very intelligent man, who taught me ways to deal with my compulsions, intrusive thoughs and obbessions. After 3weeks, of seeing him, my mind went at ease again as i applied his knowledge to my life and attacked these thoughts and to great success my thoughts had subsided and stopped again. this time at a much faster rate then at 2006 because i had the knowledge and tools to deal with my HOCD this time.

I have read many forums like this, and when i was suffering my HOCD reading these were like a drug, as it assured me that many people out there had been suffering the same problems as myself. Your not alone.

All in all, Im a perfectionist in every way of life, my room is almost always spotless, aswell as my car, my books at uni, are nearly impecable. This is who I am, and the way i function. With the HOCD, it is like any other compulsion you may also have. But from my personal experience this is the worst compulsion, as it inteferes with my everyday life, as a normal teenager. I love girls, and to have these gay obesesive thoughts ruins me. Seeking help was the best thing i ever did, and it helped sooo much, that today when i get these HOCD i can defuse them very well and fast. People dont understand unless theyve been through what we have, so dont judge anyone to harshly if they say the wrong thing, as they have no idea (sorry susan). Although my HOCD is almost completely under control,  i do have other obessesive thoughts everyday such as cancer, dying, disease, swine flu and other medical illness's as such, but i can handle these. All those these are all possible realities for anyone in the world, being straight and thinking your gay isnt, so after seeking help HOCD will be easy to control.

Im on this forum as my HOCD has kicked up lol. After watching Jerry Springer and seeing this man and women hook up for a fair amount of time, then understanding why shes on the show, to prove that shes a man and thats why they havnt been having sex, has sent my mind wild with intrusive thoughts about my own sexsuality lol, the mind is powerful and im in trouble until i kick my defence mechanisims into go. Lets hope this round of HOCD is a short one for me lol.

Hope this has helped you Bro.

Cheers.

[kathy434]

You are going through a lot of hormonal changes , and painful issues with the breakup with your girlfriend.  You are very normal.  I have very high doubts that you are gay in any way possible.
I suggest that you lighten up on yourself mentally and steer your thoughts toward school studies, sports, student government, having fun with groups of friends and dating again when that time is right for you.  Few people who broke up after a serious romance with his girl  are going to dive right in to a new romance with gusto.  You need time to sort out your feelings about what happened and then how you can grow from there.  Then you move on.
Your father did you a real disservice to tell you that living in a mixed household will leave you gay!  That is a very sick minded person to say such a thing.  It is probably the tip of the iceberg why you mother dumped him.  What type of home you are living in has nothing to do with a person's sexual orientation.  That happens before birth.  You can't force yourself to be gay.
You think about the gay issue all the time because of what that sick minded father said to you.  I hope you don't need to go on with this confusion another day.  You are obviously heteralsexual by your own observations.  You need to suffer no more.  Give this a period.
Stop watching porn.  It teaches you the wrong information about healthy, loving, closeness, and true caring about who she is and if she also wants sex with you, and it teaches you only that women are just objects to use.  Porn is very unhealthy sex.  Also delete your gay sights.  I think you have seen those enough to know that is not your cup of tea.  Move forward.
I don't know what your relationship is with your father, and I  wouldn't want to ruin what may remain between you.  But you must from here forward never believe what comes out of his mouth without cross-checking the information to make sure it is the truth and is a fact and isn't meant to hurt you further.  What he did to you is awful and he doesn't deserve you.  You are a good person and you need to start feeling better about yourself and rebuild your self esteem.  Enjoy a job of your choice.  Build up healthy friendships with both guys and girls.  You need buddies to be friends with too.  Having male friendships is healthy and fun, not homosexual or frightening.  And enjoy new friendships with girls.  One day you will meet a very special girl in your life, and you will feel so rewarded.  kathy434

[Mike165]

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[dm2281]

As long as you think this way then you will always have these anxious thoughts. The first thing you need to work on is "release" and free yourself from society's strings..

First of all who told you bisexuality is not "normal"?? Your mom, dad or your friends at school??? most people were all originally born bisexual, do you know anything about teenagers homosexuality when 2 boys try to experiment things together but then they end up with women later on in life??? even 2 males dogs would try to mate to release sexual tension if there is no female around..

so really who defines what's normal ?? and what's not?? Not even the bible does!!! God never mentioned anything about that (if this would make you  any feel better)...

Now you can still make a choice if you're bi or even gay, for i.e. having a relationship with a female is definitely a better choice to make a family, and raise kids and have  a healthier life ...

sometimes you may feel a little anxious because you try hard to define yourself but really let yourself go and it will all come naturally, if you meet the right girl then you will no longer worry about your sexuality... until then enjoy yourself and think about the world from your own perspective not from somebody else's otherwise you will be very uncomfortable...  so stop with this normal thing already and live your life as a strong person...not as a fearful one!!!!