Aa
I think it's HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder)
Hi there,
I'm a 12 year-old girl who I believe has HOCD, but yet (of course) always doubts it. The questioning all started around age nine. Beforehand whenever I would think of a thought of having a man as a partner, I would always remind myself that I might end up with a girl, too, and that you never know. Even before I was saying that I said I'd marry a man. That I'd date guys. Back to the year of 2011 and I starting dressing in boy clothes. This was mostly because my grandparents and every other adult in the world put my stepsister and I in a pair, and that we were like twins or something, which really bugged me. I started being a tomboy not because I felt that I needed to be like a boy, but I thought it would give some contrast between my sister and I, and I thought the boys at school would notice me a bit more too, maybe like me because I was cool and didn't really care about all the girly stuff. It was soon brought to my attention later in that year that questions were surfacing about my sexual orientation. I was shocked and confused, for despite my, "you never know" thoughts, I automatically thought, "of course I'm straight!". And then the thought after that came "or are you?" This constant doubt was very tiny inside my head at first. I'd see a woman who was pretty and I'd immediately look around for a guy to say was hot. As you can tell, this worry lasted longer than several years and ultimately became worse as it went on. As of today I have broken down and confessed to my mom four times or more about what I've been so worried about. We always concluded that I was straight, but the relief from these talks only lasted so long. It eventually came to a point where I started having panic attacks from all of this questioning. It absolutely disgusted me to identify myself as a lesbian or bisexual, despite never ever being homophobic in my life. I have never had any sexual desires for women, and I hadn't had any male friends up until last year. It was like unknown territory. What bothers me is that I'm stuck at such a young age, that medically all the hormonal chemicals and **** in my brain aren't at their full level, so I'm not really, "aroused" as it were when I think of a penis or having sex. I ask myself subconsciously when I see a pretty woman on the street "are you aroused?" And the line between arousal and anxiety become blurred for me and I ultimately just don't know. It's confusing and pure hell. I've done an extensive amount of research on OCD and HOCD and I've heard of the stories of people coming out really late in life, and that scares me even though I know it's not like they suddenly realize they're gay, and that they've known from a young age. But what fuels the uncertainty is that I've questioned this so young and I'm worried all of this worry and questioning are the hints to me becoming gay later in life and it's terrifying. I also know how lesbians have sex by licking their vaginas. I'm not disgusted by it but I'm not aroused. Same with a penis. This has even started to affect how I look at my friends even though I've never even given a second thought to just being friends. I feel like it's also starting to affect how I look at boys. Whenever my friends see a shirtless boy I think, "oh." But they're like, "ohhhh he's so sexy and hot AHHH" but I just don't really care. I'm pretty sure I don't care with girls either but I'm just more aware of it because I question myself so much. Don't get me wrong, I have butterflies for a couple boys in my grade, and I feel warm and attracted to them. I also overthink a bunch of situations whenever I'm around my crushes. One time he came to watch a school play I was in by coincidence, and right as he was leaving he hollered to me, "Good job!". I obsessed over the comment the rest of the day
I'm a 12 year-old girl who I believe has HOCD, but yet (of course) always doubts it. The questioning all started around age nine. Beforehand whenever I would think of a thought of having a man as a partner, I would always remind myself that I might end up with a girl, too, and that you never know. Even before I was saying that I said I'd marry a man. That I'd date guys. Back to the year of 2011 and I starting dressing in boy clothes. This was mostly because my grandparents and every other adult in the world put my stepsister and I in a pair, and that we were like twins or something, which really bugged me. I started being a tomboy not because I felt that I needed to be like a boy, but I thought it would give some contrast between my sister and I, and I thought the boys at school would notice me a bit more too, maybe like me because I was cool and didn't really care about all the girly stuff. It was soon brought to my attention later in that year that questions were surfacing about my sexual orientation. I was shocked and confused, for despite my, "you never know" thoughts, I automatically thought, "of course I'm straight!". And then the thought after that came "or are you?" This constant doubt was very tiny inside my head at first. I'd see a woman who was pretty and I'd immediately look around for a guy to say was hot. As you can tell, this worry lasted longer than several years and ultimately became worse as it went on. As of today I have broken down and confessed to my mom four times or more about what I've been so worried about. We always concluded that I was straight, but the relief from these talks only lasted so long. It eventually came to a point where I started having panic attacks from all of this questioning. It absolutely disgusted me to identify myself as a lesbian or bisexual, despite never ever being homophobic in my life. I have never had any sexual desires for women, and I hadn't had any male friends up until last year. It was like unknown territory. What bothers me is that I'm stuck at such a young age, that medically all the hormonal chemicals and **** in my brain aren't at their full level, so I'm not really, "aroused" as it were when I think of a penis or having sex. I ask myself subconsciously when I see a pretty woman on the street "are you aroused?" And the line between arousal and anxiety become blurred for me and I ultimately just don't know. It's confusing and pure hell. I've done an extensive amount of research on OCD and HOCD and I've heard of the stories of people coming out really late in life, and that scares me even though I know it's not like they suddenly realize they're gay, and that they've known from a young age. But what fuels the uncertainty is that I've questioned this so young and I'm worried all of this worry and questioning are the hints to me becoming gay later in life and it's terrifying. I also know how lesbians have sex by licking their vaginas. I'm not disgusted by it but I'm not aroused. Same with a penis. This has even started to affect how I look at my friends even though I've never even given a second thought to just being friends. I feel like it's also starting to affect how I look at boys. Whenever my friends see a shirtless boy I think, "oh." But they're like, "ohhhh he's so sexy and hot AHHH" but I just don't really care. I'm pretty sure I don't care with girls either but I'm just more aware of it because I question myself so much. Don't get me wrong, I have butterflies for a couple boys in my grade, and I feel warm and attracted to them. I also overthink a bunch of situations whenever I'm around my crushes. One time he came to watch a school play I was in by coincidence, and right as he was leaving he hollered to me, "Good job!". I obsessed over the comment the rest of the day
Hello. I'm 13 and going through the same as you. I'm incredibly confused and have severe panics about my sexual orientation. I Can't tell you if your straight, but I can tell you there's so many people going through the same thing as you. I have obsessed over my sexuality for a short period, but it feels like years. I've always loved guys, crushes and all, but Im not really turned on by a picture of a shirtless guy. I Get butterflies, and currently have a major crush on a guy. There's some things you just know, though. If you were really a lesbian, you would know deep down. You wouldnt be going back and forth. It's harder to figure out if your bisexual or bicurious. You have to really look at how you feel around girls. Ask yourself questions like ; Have I ever had a crush on a girl? Do I want to be intimate with girls/guys/both? Try not to focus so much on arousal, because you have to keep in mind that we are still young. Believe it or not, our hormones are really going crazy. Sadly, you won't really ever know what you are until you start to experiment. The fact that you said "Being bisexual or lesbian disgusts me" is hinting at the fact that you are straight. Just remember, your orientation doesn't make you any different from anyone else, and there are multiple people going through what your going through, including me. Your not alone in this.
Thank you. It helps to know I'm not the only kid who's dealing with a problem like this. Does it seem like I'm straight, though? I'm always on the hunt to be sure. I always freak out whenever I see a girl that's pretty or bras in store shelves. My mind sees triggers everywhere. It's almost like my brain will feed me these lies like, "You like her, don't you? Come on, just admit it at some point." And I just know it's all not true. It's scary and I worry so much. I just went on my first international trip a few weeks ago, but I can't bear to recap it because the whole experience was clouded by my thoughts of sexual orientation. Any advice on how to make this even a tad better until therapy?
Hi there. First let me tell you that OCD at your age is not uncommon. Also you may not notice the hormonal changes but they are happening and could also be bringing your OCD tendencies to the forefront.
I like the fact that you talked to your mom about it. That tells me that you have a great relationship.
OCD is the monster inside our own heads. When we say black our mind says white. It is like a game we play on ourselves and we are hopeless to stop it.
I think you need to see a child psychologist that deals with OCD and that teaches CBT. It is never too early to start learning how to handle OCD thoughts because honestly OCD is for life. We learn to manage it with cognitive behavioral therapy and sometimes medication. Don't worry that you won't have a normal life. You will. My sister had problems at age 7 and myself in my teenage years and we are both married, successful women.
Talk to your mom again about scheduling you an appointment and of course let me know how you are doing. Take care.
I like the fact that you talked to your mom about it. That tells me that you have a great relationship.
OCD is the monster inside our own heads. When we say black our mind says white. It is like a game we play on ourselves and we are hopeless to stop it.
I think you need to see a child psychologist that deals with OCD and that teaches CBT. It is never too early to start learning how to handle OCD thoughts because honestly OCD is for life. We learn to manage it with cognitive behavioral therapy and sometimes medication. Don't worry that you won't have a normal life. You will. My sister had problems at age 7 and myself in my teenage years and we are both married, successful women.
Talk to your mom again about scheduling you an appointment and of course let me know how you are doing. Take care.
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