Intrusive Thoughts Are Scaring Me

Hey, I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post in but bare with me I am new to the site and I've been having very bad intrusive thoughts.

On Saturday a thought suddenly popped into my head that I was a transexual. I have never doubted my gender before and I have always been happy and enjoyed being a man. The idea of having a sex change does disgust me, well it did before. It is not something that I want for myself, I have never felt like I was born in the wrong body before and I am (was) happy with who I am.

The week building up to when I had this thought I had been drinking alcohol every night which I now regret. I also came out to my mum the same week as bisexual and she didn't believe me and said it was the same as liking your best friend. Now I am not sure whether I am fully gay or bisexual as I am more attracted to men but still feel attracted to women (That is another issue for another place though). Also I read on a bisexual forum for men that week that someone said "I am a lesbian for women and straight for men". <--- I think that could be the cause of the intrusive transgender thought.

To clarify I have never dressed up as a woman in my spare time or worn make up or anything. (I did dress as a woman once for the local carnival but I didn't chose to, I was a member of the carnival club and that was my position for the year so I didn't get to chose it)

I have also been having another intrusive thought recently about chopping off my penis (and more recently harming it) but I don't want to do it. I have also been having a few thoughts about self harm more generally since I found out a friend of mine self harms. The intrusive thoughts about chopping off my penis originated a few years ago after I read online about a disease that makes people randomly chop it off. Ever since I found out about it I have been worried about getting it and the thoughts of getting it come back every few months. I'm not even sure such a disease exists and the fear is completely irrational. Today I was too scared to buy scissors at the store in case I tried to harm myself with them.

I have also had other intrusive thoughts in the past, I once had one that I was a paedophile but I'm definitely not, they disgust me. It is so wrong to harm children in that way.

I also had an irrational fear of my eyes being gouged out and I feared that I would gouge them out myself, even though I have no rational intention to do so.

These thoughts really scare me and I don't want a sex change, what can I do? I don't know who I can speak to or what. I don't even know if this OCD but I have read posts from other people with OCD on the internet and the symptoms seem similar.

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.

Intrusive thoughts...I know them well.  The transgender thought is just one more in a long line of intrusive thoughts that you have had.  So give it the same credit at the others...it is just your mind playing tricks on you.  Plus I'm sure you have already figured out that once you get rid of one thought, another takes it place or the same thought comes back.  It is just a never ending viscious cycle.

The good news is that you can get help for this.  I know you are in the UK and the practice of medicine is different there but the first step is for you to see your GP and get a referral to a psychologist.  Doesn't mean you are crazy or anything like that.  OCD is basically a chemical imbalance in brain neurotransmitters, especially serotonin.  Some people can get by with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and not take medication.  Others like me, use a combination of meds and CBT.  

The reason these thoughts stay around is because they are horrifying.  I also thought I would just up and kill my husband one day and it would all be a mistake because of course I didn't really want to do that.  The whole ********* thing...yes...just wake up one day and be a *********.  These are all horrific to us.  What I ended up doing in conjunction with medication is I went into a dark room and I visualized myself killing my husband.  After a while I realized it wasn't something I would ever do and so that thought went away.  The same for the ********* thought...if you even start to think that one you are so repulsed that you quickly realize that that isn't you either.  If you were to go into the dark room and picture yourself cutting off your penis...I bet you will also realize that you wouldn't do that either.  People with OCD don't carry out these thoughts...they are just simply that...thoughts.  

What you need to do though is get help for them.  They aren't going to go away on their own so you need the proper tools.  Since you may have a long wait to get into see a psychologist...try to get The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free from OCD.  This will be of some help to you.  

Hang in there.  Just remember, you won't do any of these things.  OCD should be renamed OMG for obsessive mind game.  

Take care and post again if you need anything else.  

[FreshGuy]

Thank you so much for your help!

I will book an appointment with my GP next week to get things sorted.

I also tried some mental exercises last night which were quite useful. One involved closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing. then I had to imagine that when I breathed out, a blue cloud of energy was coming out my mouth. Then I visualised the thought in front of me as a small green ball which was covered by the blue cloud. I found it quite useful.

I will also look up the book, thank you!

[JGF25]

Yes...meditation works wonders as well.  There is one on the web that I found and by the time I was done listening to it I felt like I was part of the couch I was so relaxed.  I will have to try to find it again and post it.  

[Devilfish92]

Hello I am a deaf male from America and I wanted to say thanks god i'm not the only one with this freak show of problems. I've suffer this condition for two year now and I just wants to find someone who had the same problem as me such as self harming, losing my eyes or parts and I do not want that especially since I already lose my sense of hearing. It bring me a little of relief seeing that I might can talk to you more and discuss about it and see if there is any solutions or that if you had gone past these thoughts or some kind of advices. If you're interested then inbox me anytime. I will be greatly appreciated!
- sufferer of OCD, Anxiety, depression and PTSD-

[FreshGuy]

Hey, yeah it would be great to talk to other people going through something similar. I will message you!