Aa
Is this HOCD? Or actually was gay my entire life?
Hello their who ever is reading my post, I am Da Muthafuckin' Cpt. I'm here to post some deep **** Im going through...some nasty mind games I believe so. So check it out.
I was born to a Latin family in Chicago. ever since I was a little kid, I used to go to a barbershop where my dads gay friend worked. Their was him and his friend, she was a woman. The day I saw her I fell in love, I used to love how she always cut my hair as a kid, I gave her a name specifically for her which was "La Muchacha Bonita" which in Spanish means "The Beautiful Woman". I stopped going their as the streets over their where I used to live always involved violence. Now going through elementary school, I didn't had a crushed until the 2nd grade, let's call her M.
She was a Latina...she was cute... So cute! Had nice eyes... i remember this since it was my first crush that I ever flirted with literally. During March 7th or somewhere around those days , we were watchin' Cat in the Hat as the whole class did I decide to let this girl know what I felt for her by writing post notes to her saying "I like you, your so cute" but in Spanish ofc because at the time I was learning to speak and learn English. So during the movie I asked for a kiss and she said Of Course and then I started to realize something moving down their which I'm sure was a Godamn boner lmao. But didn't get a kiss because this stupid flat *** ***** snitch at us and the big fat beach ball *** teacher had the muthafuckin nerve to tell me to stay away from the girl I liked, which at the time pissed me off haha . My crush lasted till middle school and through middleschool we dated until 7 th grade, she cheated on me for my bestfriend.. I was sad, I cried for hours, then realized I think I have a crush on a girl in my art class.. Which I did! Let's call her E. Jesus she was HELLA CUTE. I would still want her back to this day .../':.. My relationship with her failed because of my first relationship. Trust issues. .. But whatever. At the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 I began having feelings for my ex again... And she did too.!! Which made me feel good! I remember that special feeling of getting to flirt with her and talk dirty to her! Something I did which made me feel so damn good was spankiing her ***. I loved spankin her and just her givin' me that look. LMAO. So I asked her out Jan 8th and we lasted till the beginning of highschool... Yes a year together. (I think) I'm a 14 year old guy turning 15 March 16th. I'm not an amateur for my age as I have been told my many people. My mindset is just mature enough. BUT! SINCE MY OCD STARTED IN THE SUMMER OF TWO-THOUSAND-MUTHAFUCKIN ThirdTeen! Logic is nowhere around my mind! Let me tell you my first and I believe my first obsession..! While dating M, I have maked out before but this day was her time of the month. I touched her *** and went even more down where her vagina and Anus and didn't thought nothing of that. That day me and my buds were chillin chillin until I told them about my day and then they said something that got my attention... My friend D said "You touched period blood? Period blood contains AIDS!" Of course he was just joking and so as my other 2 friends. But just my mind didn't took that as answer! I started obsessing and having compulsions to check the symptoms of HIV/AIDS. At the time I had diarrhea and that's a symptom of AIDS (I think so, I never bothered to check again) so their I am obsessing and doing compulsions for 2 weeks straight. I thought I was gonna die... I was obsessing... But then my mom told me how HIV works and how M didn't had AIDS,STDs, Or anything! She was clean. My mind still doubted but I just let it go which ended that obsession. Next obsession was getting M pregnant when I didn't even had entercourse with her. That **** lasted a whole muthafuckin month! Until her period came and that lasted for the whole summer which was 4 months becusse if I knew she was pregnant I would make out with her but then after that make out session I would have the thought "what if he pregnant!?" So I am obsession the **** outta myself in the summer. She never did got pregnant and all the thoughts I had were just my mind ******* with me.
Next obsession was the fear of contacting Ebola( I know, ridiculous.) 2013 beginning of the fall. News about the biggest deadliest virus at the time was spreading in Southern Africa. Thousands of people! DEAD! I didn't give a thought until....One mornin', I woke up with a flu. Regular Flu. Which was almost the same symptoms of Ebola (expect the bloody eyes and nose) I was panicking. Couldn't breathe for ****. But this obsession didn't last very long till I saw that Ebola was almost disappearing as well as my flu but I remember same thing as the AIDS obsession, I would check for symptoms on Google." what's the difference between normal flu and Ebola"? "What are the Ebola symptoms?" Next obsession I had was contacting diabetes. I'm not even a fat chubby muthafucka. I think I'm
Medium I weight about 147 ... And the way it triggered was noticing decreased eyesight when I was playing Grand Theft Auto... My eyesight just went blurry out of nowhere for a short time. At that time, I was learning about diseases on science class. Like allergies, diabetes, and HIV. I read the diabetes over, and over and over! To check my symptoms... I had non, only the eyesight decreased which was one of 'em!. I went to the doctor and just told me that I needed glasses. That's it.... He laughed at the topic that I was fearing I had Diabetes. Like really *****? Haha! Well I never did had diabetes. Just mind playing
. Next obsession was contacting Maleria, then.... A thought came up... What if I have maleria? My heart raced..... My mind ****** with me... Went toI avoided wearing short sleeved shirt, and shorts. I wore long sleeve shirt or hoodie, jeans and sometimes gloves to protect my skin for those tiny bastards mosquitos. Came to realize... The **** am I thinking? Next obsession was about the fear getting paralyzed! And oh my god THIS ONE WAS A *****! IT FELT SO DAMN REAL...... ONLY MOVING MY EYES LEFT,RIGHT,UP,DOWN and thinking to myself am I paralyzed!?!?! It triggered when I was doing weights and lifting for tricep muscle and hit my neck bad.! It didn't felt anything until I gave it a thought. From their on as you guessed it. Obsessive thinking and Cumpolsions done every moment during the time of this ****. Enough with my obsession and let's get with my HOCD. I went to go see my dads gay friend from my childhood back to Chicago. I realized... Now that I am older that their was something up with him... He had a haircut I never saw from a guy which made me think "is he gay?" Which came to realized he is... But during those 3 hours of watching my family get a haircut by this gay guy a thought came up to my mind saying "are you gay?" From ther on. Anxiety felt like fire inside me.... Eyes felt like hot water... Dizziness, numbness on my toes and fingers...holy **** the anxiety I got was unbearable. I went to go see another friend of my dads which has hit daughters tbh... I went to the bathroom and started to do compulsions immediately. Which relieved anxiety but not as much so I kept doing them... I'm still into this ****! Since July 5th! About to be New Year.... And with this ****!! I remember the closest gay **** I did was I would think of two guy kissing and **** to get down my boner I had from thinking of having sex with girls during class or anywhere public... That's it! Other than that... I don't know how I can even be gay to begin with.... I need help... I doubt this is OCD.... At times... Do I ? Or is this ocd ******* with me? I never really notice men at all I never thought like"oh he's good looking" whenever I saw a buff dude I wanted to be like him. But never saw guys sexually. All I ever saw and enjoyed watching was woman.. Until this **** strikes..!):
I was born to a Latin family in Chicago. ever since I was a little kid, I used to go to a barbershop where my dads gay friend worked. Their was him and his friend, she was a woman. The day I saw her I fell in love, I used to love how she always cut my hair as a kid, I gave her a name specifically for her which was "La Muchacha Bonita" which in Spanish means "The Beautiful Woman". I stopped going their as the streets over their where I used to live always involved violence. Now going through elementary school, I didn't had a crushed until the 2nd grade, let's call her M.
She was a Latina...she was cute... So cute! Had nice eyes... i remember this since it was my first crush that I ever flirted with literally. During March 7th or somewhere around those days , we were watchin' Cat in the Hat as the whole class did I decide to let this girl know what I felt for her by writing post notes to her saying "I like you, your so cute" but in Spanish ofc because at the time I was learning to speak and learn English. So during the movie I asked for a kiss and she said Of Course and then I started to realize something moving down their which I'm sure was a Godamn boner lmao. But didn't get a kiss because this stupid flat *** ***** snitch at us and the big fat beach ball *** teacher had the muthafuckin nerve to tell me to stay away from the girl I liked, which at the time pissed me off haha . My crush lasted till middle school and through middleschool we dated until 7 th grade, she cheated on me for my bestfriend.. I was sad, I cried for hours, then realized I think I have a crush on a girl in my art class.. Which I did! Let's call her E. Jesus she was HELLA CUTE. I would still want her back to this day .../':.. My relationship with her failed because of my first relationship. Trust issues. .. But whatever. At the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 I began having feelings for my ex again... And she did too.!! Which made me feel good! I remember that special feeling of getting to flirt with her and talk dirty to her! Something I did which made me feel so damn good was spankiing her ***. I loved spankin her and just her givin' me that look. LMAO. So I asked her out Jan 8th and we lasted till the beginning of highschool... Yes a year together. (I think) I'm a 14 year old guy turning 15 March 16th. I'm not an amateur for my age as I have been told my many people. My mindset is just mature enough. BUT! SINCE MY OCD STARTED IN THE SUMMER OF TWO-THOUSAND-MUTHAFUCKIN ThirdTeen! Logic is nowhere around my mind! Let me tell you my first and I believe my first obsession..! While dating M, I have maked out before but this day was her time of the month. I touched her *** and went even more down where her vagina and Anus and didn't thought nothing of that. That day me and my buds were chillin chillin until I told them about my day and then they said something that got my attention... My friend D said "You touched period blood? Period blood contains AIDS!" Of course he was just joking and so as my other 2 friends. But just my mind didn't took that as answer! I started obsessing and having compulsions to check the symptoms of HIV/AIDS. At the time I had diarrhea and that's a symptom of AIDS (I think so, I never bothered to check again) so their I am obsessing and doing compulsions for 2 weeks straight. I thought I was gonna die... I was obsessing... But then my mom told me how HIV works and how M didn't had AIDS,STDs, Or anything! She was clean. My mind still doubted but I just let it go which ended that obsession. Next obsession was getting M pregnant when I didn't even had entercourse with her. That **** lasted a whole muthafuckin month! Until her period came and that lasted for the whole summer which was 4 months becusse if I knew she was pregnant I would make out with her but then after that make out session I would have the thought "what if he pregnant!?" So I am obsession the **** outta myself in the summer. She never did got pregnant and all the thoughts I had were just my mind ******* with me.
Next obsession was the fear of contacting Ebola( I know, ridiculous.) 2013 beginning of the fall. News about the biggest deadliest virus at the time was spreading in Southern Africa. Thousands of people! DEAD! I didn't give a thought until....One mornin', I woke up with a flu. Regular Flu. Which was almost the same symptoms of Ebola (expect the bloody eyes and nose) I was panicking. Couldn't breathe for ****. But this obsession didn't last very long till I saw that Ebola was almost disappearing as well as my flu but I remember same thing as the AIDS obsession, I would check for symptoms on Google." what's the difference between normal flu and Ebola"? "What are the Ebola symptoms?" Next obsession I had was contacting diabetes. I'm not even a fat chubby muthafucka. I think I'm
Medium I weight about 147 ... And the way it triggered was noticing decreased eyesight when I was playing Grand Theft Auto... My eyesight just went blurry out of nowhere for a short time. At that time, I was learning about diseases on science class. Like allergies, diabetes, and HIV. I read the diabetes over, and over and over! To check my symptoms... I had non, only the eyesight decreased which was one of 'em!. I went to the doctor and just told me that I needed glasses. That's it.... He laughed at the topic that I was fearing I had Diabetes. Like really *****? Haha! Well I never did had diabetes. Just mind playing
. Next obsession was contacting Maleria, then.... A thought came up... What if I have maleria? My heart raced..... My mind ****** with me... Went toI avoided wearing short sleeved shirt, and shorts. I wore long sleeve shirt or hoodie, jeans and sometimes gloves to protect my skin for those tiny bastards mosquitos. Came to realize... The **** am I thinking? Next obsession was about the fear getting paralyzed! And oh my god THIS ONE WAS A *****! IT FELT SO DAMN REAL...... ONLY MOVING MY EYES LEFT,RIGHT,UP,DOWN and thinking to myself am I paralyzed!?!?! It triggered when I was doing weights and lifting for tricep muscle and hit my neck bad.! It didn't felt anything until I gave it a thought. From their on as you guessed it. Obsessive thinking and Cumpolsions done every moment during the time of this ****. Enough with my obsession and let's get with my HOCD. I went to go see my dads gay friend from my childhood back to Chicago. I realized... Now that I am older that their was something up with him... He had a haircut I never saw from a guy which made me think "is he gay?" Which came to realized he is... But during those 3 hours of watching my family get a haircut by this gay guy a thought came up to my mind saying "are you gay?" From ther on. Anxiety felt like fire inside me.... Eyes felt like hot water... Dizziness, numbness on my toes and fingers...holy **** the anxiety I got was unbearable. I went to go see another friend of my dads which has hit daughters tbh... I went to the bathroom and started to do compulsions immediately. Which relieved anxiety but not as much so I kept doing them... I'm still into this ****! Since July 5th! About to be New Year.... And with this ****!! I remember the closest gay **** I did was I would think of two guy kissing and **** to get down my boner I had from thinking of having sex with girls during class or anywhere public... That's it! Other than that... I don't know how I can even be gay to begin with.... I need help... I doubt this is OCD.... At times... Do I ? Or is this ocd ******* with me? I never really notice men at all I never thought like"oh he's good looking" whenever I saw a buff dude I wanted to be like him. But never saw guys sexually. All I ever saw and enjoyed watching was woman.. Until this **** strikes..!):
You are not gay ! Don't think about it too much I have fallen into it really deep and I feels like there's no way out, but j promise you ain't gay you never will be
It looks like ocd, you had these symptoms from a very young age but you have never consulted any professional for treatment, as you can see ocd just keeps on switching topics and it keeps on going in the cycles but you will never be able to feel normal until you seek treatment ,so i would suggest you to consult a psychiatrist.Otherwise ocd will keep on troubling you.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
