Losing sleep, all I can think about, please help

[worriedprsn]

About 3 weeks ago I went out with acquaintances and got so drunk I couldn't remember anything.  I somewhat remember a one of them saying we're leaving the bar, and that's it.  I don't remember anything after, all I know is that once I realized where I was, it was 2 hours later I has walked in the opposite direction of my house in the middle of nowhere.  I remember the walk home after that and fell asleep.

During the night I had texted a good friend of mine that I was with another "friend", but by that time we had left the bar and I should've been on my own (was downtown in the city with a lot of people out at night).  I think I remember having my arm around somebody while walking after the club, but Im not sure.  I was constantly texting my friend, then for about half an hour I stopped, contacted the friend again and this is when I snapped out of it and realized where I was.  I am scared that it was during this period of silence where I was taken advantage of.  Even 9 days later, I noticed a small bruise on my waist, not sure what it is but it is keeping me very worried.  It could've been there for who knows how long.  I didn't feel any anal pain the day after the incident, but that's because I didn't pay attention to it and never thought that this could happen.  Once the possibility got in my head I've felt some irritation in the anus, especially at 10 days after the night in question (but that could also be due to big bowel movements earlier in the day)

I didn't lose any valuables I had, all of my clothes were intact, I recently checked for blood or liquids on my underwear but there was nothing (although they could've dried up by now).  Doing #2 the very next morning seemed easier than usual, not sure what to make of that.  All of the signs seem fine, but I am not convinced.  There are so many signs pointing to the worst outcome possible actually happening.

My gut is telling me that I remember going home, got home fine, and was not in pain so nothing probably happened.  I was just walking aimlessly and eventually got home.  However, I am terrified that something may have happened, I am getting an STD test in a month to make sure I'm OK.  I have been very troubled by all of this and it is all I can think about.

How reliable would a 1 month HIV test be?  Please give me your opinions and advice, it will help me ease these fears and give me some peace until my test results.  I haven't been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time since this night, it is taking over my life.

[worriedprsn]

The only reassuring thing is that I was walking and all of my clothes were on when I snapped out of it, but Im scared that I was just taken home by somebody then kicked out when it was all over.

Maybe I should be happy that I don't remember anything before then, or maybe I should stop overanalyzing things.

I should've never trusted these acquaintances.  Biggest mistake of my life drinking this much.

[worriedprsn]

The doubts are coming back, I am losing sleep everyday.  The fact that this was dismissed in the HIV Prevention forum shows how lightly this topic is viewed in the public eye.

I am terrified.  So much evidence points to the rape occurring.  Even as I called my friend, before I realized he picked up the phone, I was saying "Ryan, Ryan".  I don't know any Ryan's.  Maybe I was just confused or interacting with another drunk person.

I cant believe this mistake I have made.  I will have a tough time forgiving myself.

[JGF25]

Glad to hear it. Now put it behind you and say ENOUGH to analyzing everything. Also curbing your drinking wouldn't hurt either. Take care.

[worriedprsn]

Also wanted to add that the anal itching/soreness usually occurs after bowel movements, especially diarrhea.  This is a common thing that happens to people, I just didn't notice until my mind focused on every little thing.  The street I was on is very busy at night with bars, so I was likely just interacting with other drunk college students, who do this type of this all the time.

You guys were right all along, I think I can finally move on.

[worriedprsn]

It took 2 months, but I feel like I am finally over this incident.

I realize that I was walking when I regained memory of that night, with all of my clothes on just before 4am. If I were sexually assaulted 20 minutes earlier, even though still very drunk, I would feel bad discomfort in my rectum, and probably would have been passed out. I had no blood on my underwear and was able to walk 3 miles back home in no pain. I had been talking/texting friends for most of the time after the club, which helped ease my paranoia.  Negative HIV test was a huge relief also and helped me think this was all made up in my mind.

I am very paranoid in real life, so even in my blackout state I likely acted the same way and just walked my drunkenness of subconsciously. I have been told that I walked and acted normally in a blackout state before.

I feel like I am much better now. My mind plays games with me after drinking because I am an anxious person. But I have learned from this.

Thank you for your support while I was polluting my head with irrational thoughts.

[nursegirl6572]

Are you reading the replies?  You seem to keep ignoring our advice that tells you how to get out of this hell, and just continue posting the same info about that night.

Your thinking is irrational and paranoid and textbook OCD, down to the continued reassurance you're seeking (which is a compulsion).  That requires professional intervention.

Look at it this way...either way, whether you were raped or not, psychological help is in order here.  You're very much stuck in the "what if" thinking cycle.  And you're feeding it like it was a hungry lion.

Take it from two people who have dealt with intrusive thoughts before.  The last thing you want to do is give them any power, and you're doing that in a big way.

You weren't raped.  I'd bet every dollar I have, my house, everything I own.  If you continue to ignore the need to get help for this, you're just going to get worse and worse until you can't function at all.  I doubt you're functioning very well at this point because you've already let it go on.

So, you have to decide what you want to do.  

[JGF25]

If your thinking is still that you were raped and didn't know it, then I really think you need to see a psychologist.  Our minds can play these kinds of tricks on us especially when anxiety is involved.  Your "man up" is really to call and make an appointment with a psychologist that teaches CBT.  That is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.  

[worriedprsn]

I still have the undershirt with the white marks on my lower back.  I could be dirt or dust, but they would've faded after 2 months.  It is most likely what I think it is, and I am saving it in the hopes that it can be tested somewhere to find out what it is.

-  the bruises,
-  the quotes,
-  arm around somebody,
-  the texting patterns,
-  white marks on undershirt,
-  diarrhea the next few days,
-  anal irritation the next few days after realizing the possibility,
-  waking while walking in a housing area 40 minutes from club, after being downtown,
-  finding out a park very close is where gays go at night for random sexual encounters (cruising),
-  having the gay part of the city very close to where I was,
-  sudden constipation and need to push harder to fart or to have bowel movements.

All of those things are holding me back.  Maybe I should just man up, throw out that undershirt and move on like society tells men to.

I always thought rape was something that people should just get over.  I wasn't even awake during my *possible* assault, and it is traumatizing.

[nursegirl6572]

Ditto to JGF!

[JGF25]

Part of OCD is doubt and you have been told that your results at 6 weeks were conclusive therefore no, you don't have to test again at 3 months.  But let me ask you, if you did test at 3 months, would you believe those results?  I think you need to concentrate on getting help getting over this HIV anxiety/irrational thinking.  I'm not sure that you can be convinced right now.  I say this because you are analyzing the pitch of your farts and how easy or hard your stools pass.  

You were not raped.  This is all a fiction that your mind has created and you really need to get help for the irrational thinking.  Without reading back through the entire thread, is there a reason you have not seen a therapist?  

[worriedprsn]

Also, my farts seem lower pitch than usual and passing stool is easier now.  Worried my sphincter is now looser because of a possible incident.  After 7 weeks I feel a bit constipated which has never happened before.  Could this be a sign that I was raped?  I discovered that a nearby park in the area is well known for "cruising" at night, and that scared me even more

[worriedprsn]

Absence of antibodies to HIV-1 and HIV-2, absence of HIV-1 antigen.

Negative.

This was at 6 weeks, and I was told it is conclusive.

Do I need retesting at 3 months?

[JGF25]

Take a look at the OCD Workbook: your guide to breaking free of OCD on Amazon. Read the table of contents. Look at the content. I think you will find this book helpful.

[worriedprsn]

I will.

I had terrible anal irritation today after sitting for a long while.  Its been around 2.5 weeks.  Im hoping its not hemorrhoids forming from any trauma.

I am trying to beat that cycle in your first post, but when I try to forget these thoughts, I tell myself "denial is a stage these victims experience, you are just denying it now".  How can I beat this thought?

[JGF25]

Then test and let us know how that turns out for you.  Take care.  

[worriedprsn]

Im trying to stay calm, I really am.  I am getting bad irritation/soreness around my anus recently, even 2-3 weeks after the night happened.

Testing is really the only thing that will put me at ease.  I need that confirmation.

[nursegirl6572]

Continuing to examine everything and then relate it to the "what iffing" is only going to make you worse.  You have to put some work in here in order to help yourself.  Your fueling the cycle terribly.

[worriedprsn]

I definitely will.  I have just noticed that there are white/grey streaks on the undershirt that I was wearing (on the back side of the shirt).  I have no idea what this is

This will be the longest 3 weeks of my life until I get to the 6 week mark to get tested.

[nursegirl6572]

Then get tested, but read what JG is telling you about the cycle of thinking.  Most of your thought process is "what if" anxiety related.  Stop examing yourself and overanalyzing everything.  Get tested and believe your results.

[worriedprsn]

Thanks for your answer.

I want to believe that your theory is true, however:

-  there would be no reason for me to be with another "friend" at 3 am
-  why did I suddenly stop phoning my friend for half an hour?
-  there was no reason for me to be in that random neighborhood
-  why are there two fingerprint sized bruises on my waist?
-  why did my anus have irritation 2, 3 and 5 days after the night in question? (that is when I started suspecting the worst though, so that might play into the feelings)
-  I have had swollen lymph nodes in my neck for the past 2-3 days, also felt armpit lymph node pain yesterday

There are too many signs pointing to the worst situation happening.  At this point I don't even care if it did, I just don't want any STD's.  I want to live a happy life with a loving family, I don't want to have any diseases because of a stupid choice.  I NEED to get tested

[JGF25]

Hi there.  You have given many indications that while you were drunk that evening, you do seem to remember what happened.  I highly doubt you would not know if somebody attacked you AND you said your clothes were intact.  

The bottom line is that anal sex for someone who is not used to it would produce a lot of pain.

It seems to me that you have a lot of anxiety right now that you cannot get a handle on and you testing for STDs and HIV are really unwarranted but if you think it will make you feel better, then go ahead.  The reality is that testing only perpetuates the OCD cycle.  See my post about the "Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" and how your testing just keeps perpetuating the cycle.  Your analysis of your bowel movements fits into this category as well.  

Also, unchecked anxiety can lead you to think you have symptoms of that which you are afraid of.  Your senses are heightened and you are taking ordinary aches and pains and turning them into something they are not.  

So you can do your testing and sit on pins and needles while you wait for your negative results or you can see a psychologist to get a handle on this anxiety.  It may not even be OCD but rather a health-related anxiety or HIV anxiety.  Bottom line is that since you are "crippled" by this, you need to seek some outside help.  Take care.

[worriedprsn]

Also, my tailbone has begun to hurt pretty badly, not sure how relevant this is to the issue

[worriedprsn]

I am a straight male btw, this anxiety is crippling me.