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Please help me OCD about hepatitis.
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Please help me OCD about hepatitis.

Hi, this is the first time i have ever been on a forum like this but i'm in serious need of some help. I feel like i'm losing my life and it's so scary. i catch myself in this really dark place where it just does not seem to get better. when i was a little girl i was diagnosed with ocd and manic anxiety disorders which stems from my ocd... anyways i was raped when i was 17 years old and i suppressed alot of it and haven't really gotten help from it but now i have an intense worry about contracting stds even in ways i know you can't. I got tested 12 times last years for herpes because i was so afraid you could get it from alot of different ways.... Now i know someone with hep c and we have hung out in mutual settings i'm so paranoid i won't share drinks, food, i'm always overly cautious... i'm also having crazy thoughts that he will perposly try to give it to me and it's driving me insane... what do i do? would someone really do that? also i have been dating the same guy on and off for years and we just came in contact with eachother last year... before i would sleep with him i told him we both had to get tested... we were tested for everything except hep and he didn't get tested for herpes so i made him go back in feb and get tested for hepes, then i started fearing hep c so then we both went in the first part of march and got tested and we we negative... neither of us have tested positive for anything. I'm so overwelmed to where i'm losing sleep and i don't want to eat or hang out with friends.. nothing! i seen his results, i talked to his doctor... why don't i believe anyone. also then i freaked out because i got my nails done i wasn't bleeding, there was no blood and i was scared i could get hep c that way.... any answers or comfort please!!!
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Have you seen a psychologist lately?  You said you were diagnosed with OCD and manic anxiety so are you still seeing your doctor?  And the rape...well that is probably adding PTSD into the mix as well.  I firmly believe in talking and I think you need to see a therapist if you are not already doing so.  You have done all the testing but doubt does play a big role in OCD which is why we are perpetually on that nightmare superhighway or irrational thinking.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
And my apologies for answering your question rather late.  
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Avatar_f_tn
It's okay. I mean i use  to be so carefree and i used to not be like this until the rape thing happend. Now my ocd pattern of thinking is so off the wall. I realize alot of it is in my head and my irration thinking has alot to do with my fears of stds. i just want to become more educated on these topics and work with a thearapist, which i've been doing so for quite sometime now. i just reallly want to me normal again. This has pretty much cosumed two years of my life now and i just wanna move on, I mean do you think the ways i'm thinking of getting theses deseases are completly irrational and no rish at all? and no worries thank you for answering!
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1699033_tn?1405352675
No, there is nothing to worry about in my opinion.  You have to convince yourself rather than using tests to confirm all the time.  So you know you are HIV negative, so if you have HIV anxiety then you need to not test but rather rely on what you know to be fact.  I'm glad you are working with a therapist but let me ask you....have you ever thought of medication?  2 years is a long time to be battling OCD irrational thoughts...it becomes exhausting after a while.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not worried about hiv my anxiety stems from like herpes or hepatitis for some reason or another.... which i have been tested for everything under the sun like a hundred times. i was tested like 12 times last year and then the last time i got tested was in january because i became sexually active with an old boyfriend... but here is where the ocd/anxiety kicks in... i told him before we had sex we both had to get tested for everything and we did and both tested negative for everything but still for some reason i keep telling myself " what if?" what if he slept with someone else... and i convince myself he still could have given me something but we both got tested... it's super ridiculous i know. You hit the nail right on the head... my counselor said my brain is filling my head full of ridiculous thoughts that i have to battle with my logical brain. He says it also makes it worse that i have ocd on top of that. He said i have to convince myself i'm fine and i have zero risk for stds if both me and my partner tested clean.. he says by me getting tested over and over again is just feeding into my un healthy thinking patterns and that i need to stop that. I'm honestly so scared to take meds because i don't want to have to depend on a pill to make me normal. it's so hard living like this though it's almost like stds are a phobiea now. I feel completly hopeless!!
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1699033_tn?1405352675
You know that OCD stems from a chemical imbalance in our brains right?  Not enough serotonin is floating around and so we have communication issues between our cells and our mood is not regulated properly.  So in my mind it isn't any different than having diabetes for example.  They have an insulin deficiency and so they make up for it with insulin shots.  Anti-depressants work well for OCD.  

You are young.....my OCD started in my late teen years and I made it for a while without meds...I was never OCD free but managing somehow.  When I was in college I had this problem with going to the bathroom so I literally went all the time.  I cannot tell you how much time I wasted finding a bathroom on campus only to find out yet again that I really didn't have to pee.  I would walk out of a restroom and feel the need to go right back in.  That is just one example.  I had to finally go on meds because I didn't want to live that way.  At some point after I had kids I went back off meds...yes I took meds while pregnant for 3/4 of the time for my first child and the entire time for my second.  In any case I went off for a number of years and struggled every now and then and then my kids got older and stress increased and boom...waking up with panic at night, not sleeping...went on meds...and then about a year later I had a complete breakdown over a large bill and I upped the meds.  I guess what I'm trying to get across to you is that I have been off and on and I prefer to be on.  I'm old now...48...so I don't really care if I have to take a pill for the rest of my life as long as I can say "whatever" to these stupid irrational thoughts that pop up.  So don't count it out.  I'm sure you have learned many coping strategies but it just doesn't seem like you are getting over the hill so to speak and trust me...the other side of the hill is sooooo much better!  
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Avatar_f_tn
yes i know it has to do with serotonin levels are in balanced. My couselor did mention that. I'm trying so hard to fight the irrational thoughts in my mind. Everyone keeps telling me to get on a good medication to balance out the levels... but i'm still hesitant. I"m so scared this is never going to get better. Also can i ask you something and can you explain to me why i feel this way. In january i got back with an old boyfriend and told him that before we slept together he would need to get tested for stds and i told him i would to. well we both got tested and we tested negetive for everthing but for some reason his doctor didn't test him for herpes and hepatitis... but we still had sex... then my mind started racing again and i remembered that he didn't get checked for herpes so the first part of feb i made him go get checked for both hsv 1 and 2... both were negative. Then right after that my mind went back to the fact there was still one more thing he didn't get tested for... hepatitis so he was so pverwelmed with me continuesly telling him to get tested that we fought for a good 3 week and didnt see one another till finally the first part of march we both decided to go get tested for hepatits... right after the results we negative we slept together one last time.... Now my fear is that the three weeks we werent seeing eachother he slept with someone else and possibly could have given me and std. Do you think this is my mind irrationally thinking or do you think there could be a possible risk here... I'm so scared. I just can't live with this anymore.... i'm so depressed!
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