I've had anxiety since I can remember. I had no idea I had OCD until I got sick of feeling the way I did and decided to do some research. I only go through bad bouts of anxiety during really stressful times in my life. My OCD causes really horrible, upsetting, disgusting violent thoughts that are totally not me. I'm a really sensitive and very gentle person and would never be able to hurt anyone! The thoughts and images that come to my mind make me feel so sick and they cause really really bad anxiety and panic attacks. I usually have more than 10 panic attacks a day when I'm at a low point. It *****! I also had really bad fears and paranoia of becoming or that I was schizophrenic, that I was gay, that I was a child molester, that I was going to become pregnant and develop postpartum psychosis and so on. All of these times were accompanied with thoughts and images that would basically flood my mind, it's really horrible. Anyways, I saw two psychologists and I just don't feel like they are helping me enough with the OCD, they more focus on the anxiety solely than the thoughts and what not. I get really ashamed and embarrassed and even scared to go too in depth with my thoughts I have/had and I feel like I'm stopping myself from getting the advice and clarity I really need to move forward. It's only on my mind "what if" it's not OCD. I just want some suggestions from people who did find the help and clarity they needed from a doctor or psychologist and how you shared your problems.
I have had OCD since I was a teenager. The majority of the thoughts you mentioned, I have had them as well plus some you haven't thought about yet. Anyway, I understand exactly what you are going through.
I have spent time in therapy for OCD irrational thoughts. I don't think the docs always get that it is the OCD that leads to the anxiety that then leads to the depression. The OCD has to be tackled first and then everything else will follow along. If you think back to your anxiety prior to you finding out you had OCD, you will probably see some signs of the OCD. As far as you thinking it is not OCD, trust me, it is. And the good news is that these irrational thoughts are never acted on because they are, as you said, repulsive to us and completely out of character. That is why we have so much trouble with them, they are the worst of the worst and they frighten us and so we just keep going around and around with them.
What I learned in therapy is first that this is treatable. Second, I learned some cognitive behavioral therapies, including a breathing technique, that works very well. You breathe in through your nose with your hand on your stomach and feel it rise as you take a deep breath in, you hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then you let it all out through your mouth while you feel your hand fall back with your stomach. Do this for a while until you get your heart rate back to normal. Once you stop panicing you can think a bit more clearly.
The other thing they had me do was a therapy that involved me going into a dark room and trying to picture myself doing some of those irrational thoughts. What I found was that when I tried to picture them, I realized that I would never, ever do those things and so I was able to let them go eventually.
I too didn't want to tell them some of these thoughts and I said as much. I was told that there is nothing I could tell her that she has not already heard before. This applies to your doctors as well. Trust me, they have heard it all and then some so go in there and get it all out so they know how bad your OCD really is.
In the end I had to go on medication. The first time I took Prozac and Klonopin. I did this for a few years. I was medication free for quite a long time, not OCD free, but it was manageable until this past May when the OCD came roaring back due to a stressful tirgger and I couldn't control it. I am now on Wellbutrin and Klonopin and I am perfectly fine.
Medication is not for everyone and I don't know how you feel about it but it does help immensely in most cases. So that might also be something to bring up with your docs if you want to go that route.
I promise you that you don't have to live with these stupid irrational thoughts. If in the end the doctors are not helping you, then find another one. You need to find the doctor that is a good fit for you. Someone you feel comfortable with, who is listenting to you, and is helping you.
That's exactly it, the doctors don't realize that my anxiety IS caused by these thoughts. Like I mentioned this comes and goes depending on how my life is going and when I'm okay I don't have this problem or much anxiety. I think the part you mentioned about exposure is the only thing left I really need to do because I still question myself which is the worst. I really want to try and do this on my own with medication because I know that I will have to go through this many more times through out my life. Anyways, thanks for the response your answer was really helpful.
Give the "exposure therapy" a try and see if it works for you. As I mentioned, I managed for years with minor OCD irrational thoughts and compulsive behaviors that did not require medication so it is definitely doable. You know yourself best and what you can do. Best of luck and post again if you have any more questions.
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