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crippling hiv ocd
Hi all,I just want to say first of, im glad there is this forum to possibly seek answers and get help. I may have OCD but its not been diagnosed by a medical professionel. I get compulsions to test regularly, usually upto 5 times a month when i'm in my manufactured state of risk. I get irrational thoughts of contracting hiv by a myriad of ways from "accidentally" having unprotected sex with some random stranger or like I became a csw and sold myself. These kinda thoughts. My latest compulsion cycle came about after diwali night. I was out with some friends celebrating and granted we did have some drinks but I was not tipsy whatsoever, just more on the lighter happier side. I could accurately account for most of the time except for a few minutes (5-10 MINUTES) as I walked home. I remembered being at the fot of my apartment then taking the lift up with a female and then my dad opening the door for me. Im so scared of the in between that I might have gone to another unit and randomly had sex with some neighbour :(( i know its close to impossible. The best part is when I got home I was in a good mood and took a bath and even check my vaginal canal for semen etc (guess thats what ocd does) then after my shower I proceeded to catch up with a friend online chatted awhile and even had some wine with my mum before sleeping. I got up the next day fine (no hungover or nausea or feeling like I needed to puke) proceeded to work and monday was my off day and I went for a 10km jog/walk. I was feeling fine till Tuesday when the thoughts fully creeped in (this was about 72 hours) after that night. In this sense, I kinda know its OCD due to the late onset of "what-ifs" and "irrational thoughts",because I mean if something did happened,response would always have been immediate but not in my case. Im just afraid the irrational thoughts were actually true and I really did have sex, but I remembered reaching home and feeling alright. I keep spending money on getting tested. I know i did nothing risky cos I wasn't like super drunk/blackout drunk but that few unaccounted minutes is driving me crazy. Hope you guys can offer me insights into how to differentiate between false memories and real memories. The past few days ive spent time trying to piece events of that night together. Im so exhausted and I broke out into a heat rash and thought it was HIV rash and ran out to test. That came back negative. Any sort of help will be greatly appreciated. Im currently reaching out to private therapists to arrange a session to see how they can help.
Hi Cupcake,
First off, I want to reassure you that you are not alone - I too suffer from HIV anxiety and OCD. This is nothing new for me, unfortunately, its been ongoing for years with its up's and down's. I've recently began the process of seeking counseling. I do credit myself for improving, which in the past, I would fear the touch of everyday objects, but now, I have narrowed my phobia down to almost a single concern. I have the fear of coming across a dirty needle, which will stick either my baby, girlfriend, or I. Its a horrible feeling. I fear when my girlfriend wears sandals. Its ridiculous. At times, my mind plays tricks on me, where I see "syringes" on the ground. Which in turn, I will need to take photographs of the area, but the funny thing is, I hardly review them. Just obtaining the photographs alone helps ease my mind, in most cases that is. I would love to talk with everyone and hopefully make progress myself.
Just to give a brief background of myself - I'm 29 years old, just had my first baby boy, and have been with my girlfriend for nearly six years. We just purchased our first home together, but to be honest, my phobia has taken a toll on our relationship - another reason for needing improvement. I work full time, which I've been with my current employer for nearly eight years. I am also finishing up my masters degree with four months left of my program. I have ambitions to continue on with either a PhD or a JD.
I wish all who experience this sort of condition the very best, it truly can be hell.
~ Cheers.
First off, I want to reassure you that you are not alone - I too suffer from HIV anxiety and OCD. This is nothing new for me, unfortunately, its been ongoing for years with its up's and down's. I've recently began the process of seeking counseling. I do credit myself for improving, which in the past, I would fear the touch of everyday objects, but now, I have narrowed my phobia down to almost a single concern. I have the fear of coming across a dirty needle, which will stick either my baby, girlfriend, or I. Its a horrible feeling. I fear when my girlfriend wears sandals. Its ridiculous. At times, my mind plays tricks on me, where I see "syringes" on the ground. Which in turn, I will need to take photographs of the area, but the funny thing is, I hardly review them. Just obtaining the photographs alone helps ease my mind, in most cases that is. I would love to talk with everyone and hopefully make progress myself.
Just to give a brief background of myself - I'm 29 years old, just had my first baby boy, and have been with my girlfriend for nearly six years. We just purchased our first home together, but to be honest, my phobia has taken a toll on our relationship - another reason for needing improvement. I work full time, which I've been with my current employer for nearly eight years. I am also finishing up my masters degree with four months left of my program. I have ambitions to continue on with either a PhD or a JD.
I wish all who experience this sort of condition the very best, it truly can be hell.
~ Cheers.
There is a cycle to OCD. You think the thought, you overanalyze it, you test, you feel better for like a minute, and then you are back at thinking the thought again. If you don't break the cycle, it will just continue on. This is no way to live life. Keep trying to get an appointment. In the mean time maybe give this book a look at
Overcoming OCD by Christine Purdon
Also, understand your disorder
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0%3A&id=82%3Aten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article
Overcoming OCD by Christine Purdon
Also, understand your disorder
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0%3A&id=82%3Aten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article
3 Comments
Oh wow thank you so very much!! Yes i could get an appt in dec but waiting for my leave at work to be approved. Fingers crossed!
Im a little scared as I went for my annual reproductive health screening. The doctor drew my blood out for testing. Im just afraid and stressing out that the needle was contaminated
Were you able to get an appointment?
Hi there. There is a fine line between HIV anxiety and OCD actually. OCD is a mind game we play on ourselves. Our brain chemistry is different and so things that others may think and let go, we think and then get stuck on. For OCD people, it is all about closure. You want that almighty answer that will make the thoughts go away but what you have to realize is that even when we think we have a answer, an HIV negative test for example, then doubt creeps in and we are right back where we started.
I'm glad you are trying to see a therapist. It is the best place to start. These irrational thoughts are thoughts that you need to learn to just let them come and then wash over you. I like to use what I call "Whatever" Statements. It is all part of self-coaching. So you think the thought, you say 'whatever" and then you busy yourself with something else like reading or in your case jogging with perhaps music. What you want to learn is how to stop the thought before it goes on and on and you end up catastrophizing it.
If you sit there and overanalyze the thoughts, they are going to stay so try a bit of self-coaching. There is a good book called self-coaching by Joseph Luciani that I found helpful.
let me know how the therapist goes.
I'm glad you are trying to see a therapist. It is the best place to start. These irrational thoughts are thoughts that you need to learn to just let them come and then wash over you. I like to use what I call "Whatever" Statements. It is all part of self-coaching. So you think the thought, you say 'whatever" and then you busy yourself with something else like reading or in your case jogging with perhaps music. What you want to learn is how to stop the thought before it goes on and on and you end up catastrophizing it.
If you sit there and overanalyze the thoughts, they are going to stay so try a bit of self-coaching. There is a good book called self-coaching by Joseph Luciani that I found helpful.
let me know how the therapist goes.
1 Comments
Hello how are you? Thanks for reply. Still trying to secure an appointment. In the mean time ive been testing
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