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gay or hocd please help!!!
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gay or hocd please help!!!

Ok i am wondering if i have hocd or i am gay? I loved women as far back as i can remember. Or i think i did. I thought my first crush was in third grade... i woud give her love notes and necklaces and stuff. I wud also get jealous if she got a valentine from someone else... or gave one to someone else. But with this anxiety i began to thimk that i liked a guy first. All i can remember is being jealous of my best friend if he played with other kids. He really was my best friend so is that like gay? Or Is it just a little kid being selfish? I also had like one homo thought before all this anxiety. I was thinking about masturbating with my friend and i think liked it. But that was immediatly replaced with fear and anxiety. I got over that quickly for some reason and have loved women since then. I got a boner from holding the hand of the girl i liked. I have jacked off to straight porn and even lesbian porn. Never felt the need to go into gay porn. I havent fantasized about girls that much but i have based my porn off of witch girl i liked. For example i liked an asian girl ...i would watch asian porn. I saw zoe saldanas **** through her tight shirt...african anerican porn. I also have had no self esteem and am generally a very soft hearted person so i get offended easily. I saw my friends **** once and then touched boobs (it was a sex game) i didnt feel anything when i saw my friends ****...except jealousy.. but when i touched a girls boobs i practically orgasmed. I have a math teacher and hes relatively good looking so to test myself i tried to imagine myself kissing him...i think i liked it but then i became horrified and scared that i was gay. I always wanted to fit in so is that why i think im gay? Is that why i am gay?? Im panicking please help mee
12 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Im a 16 year old guy btw....PLEASE HELP ME
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Avatar_m_tn
I dont wanna go outside anymore cuz i dont like these homosexual thoughts..is that even what this is? Ive heard of homothoughts from other hocders but are they like mine? Do they like it at first? But then get scared? I dont hate myself for having those thoughts...more scared that i am gay.... please help me i dont know how much more i can take
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Read my comment at the top of the forum regarding "Horrific thoughts" and you will see the cycle your mind is in.  When you test, you are just perpetuating the cycle.  Ideally what you should do is say "whatever" and give these thoughts no power.  When the teacher thought comes into your head you counter it immedigely with "NO, I'M NOT GOING THERE SO MOVE ON."  Basically you are self-coaching yourself and taking back the power.  If your brain does it again, do the same thing.  

Also try this breathing technique when you are scared.  Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  You can do this in the classroom and nobody will even know you are doing it.  

This is the thing, if you cannot see yourself in a relationship with another man, then you cannot possibly be gay.  There is no in-beween...people are gay or they are not and they usually know that they are gay pretty early on in life.  You don't just wake up one day and become gay.  

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Avatar_m_tn
is it possible to have hocd for a long time and not realize it? cuz i have questioned whether i was gay before, usually right after porn(starting to see how bad that is btw) but i could easily dismiss those worries because i loved women, but could that worry have like built up and pretty much explode into an anxiety attack, like im having currently? Cuz thats what i think mines like, if its possible. Also when i try to accept the gay thoughts i get even more anxious, because my brain is saying that im accepting my true self, but even from that i dont have like an epiphany that im gay or anything just more anxiety. So thats even more confusing, also i have felt that a guy looks good in a shirt, or the shirt fits well ,is that gay? i was never like mmph i want a piece of that but it was like dang that shirt look good on him. I have thought that about girls too. honestly i just want to go back to loving women, i was happy, it was fun, i enjoyed it, and now i cant even see why i ever found women attractive. Like i think im overthinking it, now when i think of b00bs instead of being turned on i think why was i attracted to that? They're just like big nipples. And that really *****. I think ive gone asexual in general. Also i have not found your horrific thoughts so can you please explain it to me?
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Avatar_m_tn
more and more recently i have been having these thoughts like, oh i like his ***, or i want those boys to come here when i see guys from afar, and its like intial reactions not like tests so is that part of hocd? Please it really is killing me
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Avatar_f_tn
Yea almost the same crap,im going through......i think its either a phase or hocd....NO WAY IN HELL ARE WE GOING TO TURN GAY.....WE GOT OURSELFS INTO THIS MESS AND WE ARE GONNA GET OUT OF IT....
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Avatar_m_tn
yu shud read my other thread i think youd find it helpful, it was the one i posted in the anxiety community
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Avatar_m_tn
also, not meaning to make anyone spike, but can i be too young to be having hocd?
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1699033_tn?1405352675
The untreated anxiety is what is making you feel "asexual."  You really need to see a professional in order to learn how to help yourself get over this.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Please help me.. after today i feel like i cant feel...not in a good way either. I had a homosexual thought and it didnt scare.me..that scared me that im going gay because im accepting these thoughts.... but later today i realized that i dont feel anything anymore. I dont feel fear at all. And normally that would be amazing but i didnt feel fear that i didnt fear anything.. like when my mind woud say oh you like those thoughts because your gay.. my mind qouldnt respond.. usually i would feel fear but i didnt!! I just feel numb. I also seem to be suffering from depersonalization i feel like everything is a dream. Its so weird. I dont know anymore its so confusing. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I just want my.old life back. Please help me i ve reached the endnof my line
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1699033_tn?1405352675
I completely understand but you need to see a professional.  If you cannot see one, then please go and see your general doctor.  Your unchecked OCd is leading to the depersonalization.  You are in a constant state of anxiety and I have been there and yes it feels like you cannot go on.  You need to see the doctor ASAP.  Please, I cannot fix you on the forum.  I can only give you tips on how to help yourself and reassurance from my own experiences but I'm no substitute for a professional especially when you have reached what I term an "OCD crisis situation."  
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Avatar_f_tn
It's ok I'm a sixteen year old female and iknow what you mean about the lost attractions to the opposite sex. I'd love to go back to loving and daydreaming about men. Question; when you are close to a girl you found attractive and their arm is touching yours. Do you like it and want to keep your arm there? Even through these hocd thoughts i still like being physically close to men. However your hocd may be o bad that sometimes nothing can turn you on. I have these days too. I find it helps to listen to music and i know this sounds stupid just imagine yourself famous and without a care in the world. Lol i know it sounds dumb but that's what i do. Fireworks by drake is my calm down song
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