Aa
help me.. hocd, stress, whatever i dont know.
im a 15 year old male. look i pained myself over a month not to look at these forums. I just cannot get over this fear. every morning i wake up, its the first thing on my mind. every time I'm with my friends that are guys, i get nervous that i'll be atttracted to them. I have a lovely girlfriend that I started dating before all of this stuff happened. To be honest i dont even know why i'm writing this. but im crying as i do. because i'm sick of the thoughts, im sick of the misery. at first i was completely scared about being gay as a whole. and then i come back to school and i get so scared about this dude thats gay at my school, i get so freaking scared of any gay person, sometimes even lesbians, i am a christian and i know that a good amount of this has to do with my religion, but even before all of this, I never felt any attraction for guys and have actually been involved in some mildly sexual acts with women. I know I enjoyed them at the time, but now my mind is so crowded and blurred that I even question myself. I always check to see if im aroused by guys, I just get kind of quesy and my balls shrivel up lol, and then shortly I have to pee. I even get nervous about seeing naked women sometimes, I've never touched a women in her vagina, considering i'm only 15, but i have over like sport shorts, or whatever, and i enjoyed that, but I have been scared lately because sometimes i think that some vaginas look kind of odd. and that scares the life out of me, i think it's just the ocd and the fact that i'm skeptical and have never experienced with one before. I have always been into women but since this stupid fear started, I notice attractive guys way more often and i can never escape my fear. Anyone else with HOCD. knows that you notice things so much more. I can never quiet my fear because gay things are everywhere. I always see the word gay or something equated with it, and i freak out. my brother and my friends like to use the phrases "suck it" or anything vulgarly like that, and that bothers me. I really am getting to the point where I do hate my life. I love my girlfriend so much, and i'm so scared to lose her. Last night I went to a dinner for my birthday, and i took her, It was the first time I had introduced a girl to the fam and it was amazing, I had never felt love so much like that. and that made me really happy. I know I could never be like that with a man. i really dont even know what im blabbering about anymore and im still crying, I can't shake these thoughts, and i'm scared to actually forget about it or shut it off because im scared that what if I do become gay if i dont fight these thoughts? and i just , i'm trapped, i cannot even live happily anymore. well anyways, my girlfriend just texted me, and i guess i'll go, I hope that someone can help me, I cannot be gay, I don't want to. I pray and I cry begging for me to be straight. I just. I cant even do it anymore, I can't live like this any longer, I am so depressed. help me someone. im begging you not to tell me im gay, I dont even know why im still writing. whatever . thanks...
Hey, look. Just remember what this person said.. WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!. Cuz that just healed me full on and I know what type of ******** satan has cast into your mind. I felt it for over 4 months and it felt like a damn year. Yeah, that OCD said about being aggressive so I'm kind of showing you I kinda still have it but yunno kid.. Your Christain. So Remember this qoute.." God Brought You To It, So God Will Let You Through It". And Another thing, you wouldn't be gay if you had to write a million essays about it! So why do all the work? And look, I'm saying this cuz it feels good to me too since I'm telling you this.. And yeah, just remember you're never alone.. I don't give a damn **** about what your ****** up kind is telling you, listen to me.! Alright?? So, have a good day, and be social cuz it really helps.. especially when your with GIrLS! Ok Peace.. Out.. Bruh..
You keep saying the same thing over and over. Now is the time to go and get help. Obviously what you are doing isn't working this time. You and your mom can cry together over this all you want, but that doesn't make the situation any better. In the end, your mom has the authority and so she needs to decide what path you go down. Take care.
the thing about my health anxiety was crazy too. and i hope this fear ends up like that one. i literally look at how dumb it was and laugh. because i used to get so worried and think that i had something,. and my thoughts made my body sick and things like that.. and i literally thought that i was gonna be in the emergency room or that i would die soon. i get scared sometimes but i've learned how to control that..
i literally talked to my mother and we both cried and stuff. she reassured me that i'm not that way, and that she knows it for a fact, she has peace in her mind knowing im not. and at that moment i was fine. i knew i wasn't like that. and then we talked about religion or whatever. and then i was starting a religion doubt for myself. and i knew that it was hopping from one struggle to another. i guess i'd been asking for it. I had begged that i would find another struggle to replace this one and i started to. And then i came back to this one. I had a fear because that guy i mentioned was a good good friend of mine . we were literally like brothers. and then he left his girl and i took her pretty much, and then i felt awful. i apologized at least a thousand times and i always felt bad, i stayed with the girl though, and the fact that i felt so bad scared me. I'm scared that I had feelings. I know i loved the dude like a brother, and thats all im hoping it was. I just, i dont wanna be gay man. annd like i did him wrong out of nowhere. and thats what made me feel awful. he was like a brother and it sucked, i dont want it to be any more than that, and i stay away from him now.. i've never had any sort of attraction to him other than now when i get scared that I do. we were just friends in my mind. if i had feelings like that then i would know right? because it's been on my mind all day. and im freaking out again..
Phew...that was a mouthful you wrote but you know what, journaling is one of the things that helps people with OCD...just getting the thoughts down on paper (or computer).
I'm going to tell you a bit about me....I've had a few melt downs in my life regarding my OCD (I call them a crisis situation). I went on medication. But for quite a few years between my crisis moments, I was medication free. I had already been to a therapist and so I had aleardy learned the cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT). The breathing exercise I use quite often even to this day. I was never OCD free but I managed. Sometimes when stress in my life was higher, my OCD would flare up and then go back down. Some of the thoughts I had were utterly stupid and I have to laugh at them now when I think back on them. But what I wanted most during those crisis situations was closure. I wanted to find a way to put that thought to bed and have it just be done with. Unfortuantely for me, when I did find closure something else utterly stupid came along and replaced it.
What I am seeing in you at this moment is a person in crisis. It is very, very hard to get out of crisis OCD without the help of a psychologist and/or psychiatrist. You don't have the tools necessary to do it right now. Now as far as seeing a psychologist goes...they are not going to do "exposure" therapy on you. They are going to teach you CBT and you are going to learn ways to calm yourself down so that you can think more rationally, then you are going to learn the words that you can use to self-coach yourself out of this thinking. Now sometimes CBT isn't enough and people need to take medication. So this is something you may want to talk to your mom about. There is no reason to live your life this way. I know because I have been where you are. I know medication works because I have used it twice while in crisis and I got better. I am currently on medication because I have a flippin meltdown last year. I didn't have to go to therapy though because I remembered my CBT techniques and of course I knew medication, once it kicked in, was going to take my OCD away and I would live my normal life again. I do still have panic attacks while driving sometimes but I use my CBT on those and kick their ***.
So while you are adverse to going to see a psycholgist, you really need to. Your mom should understand this and I think what is holding you back is your own fears. Trust me, they WILL help you. They will not make you do anything you feel uncomfortable with. And you can tell them anything because I promise you that they have heard it all and then some before. You absolutely cannot surprise them with what you say. Afterall, you are paying them to help you with this problem...not the other way around so really you call the shots.
I just hate reading how awful you feel. Please talk to your mom about seeing a psychologist that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and from there you can both decide if medication is the way to go for you as well.
Wishing you the best of days...take care.
I'm going to tell you a bit about me....I've had a few melt downs in my life regarding my OCD (I call them a crisis situation). I went on medication. But for quite a few years between my crisis moments, I was medication free. I had already been to a therapist and so I had aleardy learned the cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT). The breathing exercise I use quite often even to this day. I was never OCD free but I managed. Sometimes when stress in my life was higher, my OCD would flare up and then go back down. Some of the thoughts I had were utterly stupid and I have to laugh at them now when I think back on them. But what I wanted most during those crisis situations was closure. I wanted to find a way to put that thought to bed and have it just be done with. Unfortuantely for me, when I did find closure something else utterly stupid came along and replaced it.
What I am seeing in you at this moment is a person in crisis. It is very, very hard to get out of crisis OCD without the help of a psychologist and/or psychiatrist. You don't have the tools necessary to do it right now. Now as far as seeing a psychologist goes...they are not going to do "exposure" therapy on you. They are going to teach you CBT and you are going to learn ways to calm yourself down so that you can think more rationally, then you are going to learn the words that you can use to self-coach yourself out of this thinking. Now sometimes CBT isn't enough and people need to take medication. So this is something you may want to talk to your mom about. There is no reason to live your life this way. I know because I have been where you are. I know medication works because I have used it twice while in crisis and I got better. I am currently on medication because I have a flippin meltdown last year. I didn't have to go to therapy though because I remembered my CBT techniques and of course I knew medication, once it kicked in, was going to take my OCD away and I would live my normal life again. I do still have panic attacks while driving sometimes but I use my CBT on those and kick their ***.
So while you are adverse to going to see a psycholgist, you really need to. Your mom should understand this and I think what is holding you back is your own fears. Trust me, they WILL help you. They will not make you do anything you feel uncomfortable with. And you can tell them anything because I promise you that they have heard it all and then some before. You absolutely cannot surprise them with what you say. Afterall, you are paying them to help you with this problem...not the other way around so really you call the shots.
I just hate reading how awful you feel. Please talk to your mom about seeing a psychologist that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and from there you can both decide if medication is the way to go for you as well.
Wishing you the best of days...take care.
okay im calming down, im getting a grip, and noticing how i dont wanna be gay and how i am in love with my gf. calming down slowly...
one more thing. i always tell myself im not gay and im straight. 24/7. i even get songs in my head, and it seems to replace the lyrics with saying that lol
the hocd has stayed.. its kind of dormant sometimes but the thoughts come back.. i had a week where it kind of faded away. my mom asked if it was gone, and i was pretty much positive in saying yes. idk it came back tho..
i also get the thoughts about how if i sin, i pray for forgiveness. and its all good. i thought that today and wondered, what if i do gay things, and ask for forgiveness. would i be okay, and then that compulsed me to think that i would wanna be, I've never been like this, and im so scared. I am in tears dude :"( i cannot be like this i just cant. every time i wake up, the fear is there. its everywhere I turn.. thats why i get the feel that it's real.. it feels so reall.. please reply quick... i need somebodyy..
another thing i forgot to mention, is if i think about ignoring it, i feel as if in the future it'll come back, or that i will still feel this way. and i refuse to see a therapist, because im afraid they would do the exposure therapy. i am beyond frightened that if i was exposed then i would wanna be gay. i literally am so scared. IVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE THIS FEAR STARTED. I ALWAYS SAY THAT TO RELIEVE MY FEARS, BUT IT ISNT ENOUGH SOMETIMES. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. I CANNOT.
Now that i have the thought of, oh you do like him oh you do feel this way, you do wanna be gay you do, and its all your religion thats making you feel this way. its all mind games. because this stuff is exactly what im afraid of. he will come and give me a friendly hug and i tell him to get away because im scared that i'd enjoy it. i cant even look him in the eye really . i mostly get nervous when he's around my girl tho.. i get jealous that maybe she'd like him.. so yeah im screwed either way. i just wanna be straight man. and that little voice is still in the back of my head right now.. but im trying to ignore it.
the other night i took my gf to dinner and introduced her to the family, and when i was taking her home, i said to myself,. you absolutely love this girl, you aren't gay, you're straight. and when i dropped her off. and got back home. the thoughts came again. and when i dont think about this thing. im not attracted to guys the slightest. and then the thoughts come in and i always have to find a way out, so i can never ignore them. i just wanna cry whenever i get that first spark of bad thoughts.. because i know that it's the beginning of a day that is turning bad..
and i had thoughts about sexual things, obviously to test myself, about him and i gagged and almost threw up. literally.
look man i did a month ago. and my mom was like a therapist to me, not a real one, but i talked to her about it. I know a lot of this has to do with religion, and im so scared. I literally have a stomach ache every time i think gay thoughts. Sometimes I feel like i will never get better. I feel like it always comes to my mind. Sometimes I see things in articles I read that I know will eat at me later in time. I stop thinking about it and get close with my girlfriend again, and i can actually get it up and i enjoy me and her. I've had this friend of mine since freshman year (I'm a sophomore) and we were literally like brothers. Up until this hocd thing, u had never even had a concern about me and him, but now im afraid that i actually have feelings . I'm so afraid that i would actually have any feelings. i was alone today and i was thinking, like always, i had a good day and i wasnt too worried, but i always have a peak in my day where my anxiety kills me. and when I was thinking, i was like, what if he ever came onto you, what if he wanted something with you, what would you say, and i know deep inside that i've never thought anything of him, and is it possible that my brain is so manipulated that I actually considered it? i had that thought and it has killed me for 3 hours. I've cried and i've been half asleep, ive been trying to escape it. I am religious, and i've never been gay or anything, i cant shake these thoughts and they control me so much, i get so nervous about any guys that i've been like brothers with for a long time, every time i think of the thought, i get a stomach ache and i shake, i feel like crying because i absolutely do not wanna be gay, and my thoughts are making me feel like i do. PLEASE TELL ME THAT THEY ARENT REAL. i dont wanna be gay, i have been so scared that one day I would wanna be gay, and thats what im figuring this is, its such a fear, and im so freaking scared. JGF25 im begging you, idk where to get any help anymore. I get scared that maybe i've been like this all the time , and ive just never thought aboutit, but i've never got it up from a guy, never wanted to watch gay anything, i used to be repulsed of gay people, and then i became a little acceptant of gay people because i had a friend that was, and now i feel scared of gay people again. I even traveled so far in my mind that I wondered if I'm gay and im scared because of my religion, I DONT WANNA BE GAY PERIOD. some friends have told me, if you wanna be straight, then be straight. and they make it sound so easy, and i can't get away from this fear so easy. dude, woman, whatever you are. I literally am scared out of my body right now, and am really returning to my depression stages. right now, im getting these thoughts. "these articles bring you relief , this is all an illusion, " and then the thoughts come in "no what if you wanna be gay, what if you've been tripping all of this time" and i can't be like that! i even get the thoughts that I wanna be like how i used to be. and then now the thoughts come in saying what if you do wanna be gay, and with the questioning, the fear of saying yes is making me think yes, when i dont feel right. I wanna cry so much right now, please help.. please, please help. im begging you. i dont wanna be that way, i wanna be how i was before the summer, before my health anxiety hit, and then when my hocd kicked in.. i was care free. loved my girlfriend .. and did sexual things without hesitation, now i get afraid to do something because im scared that what if i dont like it.. and i used to be so careless. i wanna return to how i was. i really do. help my mind to relieve this pain. i dont wanna be gay, and i know the fear is induced by my religion, but at the same time i know that i dont wanna be gay as a person either. even though as i write my mind keeps telling me that i do. i dont wanna believe that voice. i wanna control my mind again..
You posted before...I can't remember how long ago but I do remember you said your mom was a therapist or some sort. Were you able to get rid of the HOCD for a little while and now it has come back or has it been there all along but just not as annoying?
You have to know that if you were truly gay, you wouldn't be fighting this thought the way you are. You wouldn't be analyzing it and catastrophizing it. If you were truly gay, you would know it. I don't think there would be any second guessing. This is just something that is stuck in your head right now and you really need to just say "whatever." Did I mentioned the books Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD? If not, then try to pick them up while you are figuring out how to see a psychologist.
Just about every single post on here is about HOCD at the moment so you are not alone. Maybe it will help to read some of the other posts.
You have to know that if you were truly gay, you wouldn't be fighting this thought the way you are. You wouldn't be analyzing it and catastrophizing it. If you were truly gay, you would know it. I don't think there would be any second guessing. This is just something that is stuck in your head right now and you really need to just say "whatever." Did I mentioned the books Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD? If not, then try to pick them up while you are figuring out how to see a psychologist.
Just about every single post on here is about HOCD at the moment so you are not alone. Maybe it will help to read some of the other posts.
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