Aa
i don't know who/what i am anymore
Hi everyone,I hope this won’t be long because I have a lot of going on in my head that I need to tell you.
I am male,23 years old,and I have obsessive thoughts for two and a half years now. All of my obsessions have one thing in common,they give me anxiety,some kind of urges and they are very crippling somethimes. Also somethimes I feel constat headache which is not strong and I feel like my brain is pulsing and I feel pressure and tightness around my head. That’s how bad it gets.
My worst obsession at the moment is obsession about being transgender. It started a little over one year ago,It was on the low for a while but now it is back stronger than ever and It’s only getting worse.
Like any other obsssion it FEELS SO REAL. I’m scared that I might have gender dysphoria now,I never had this as a child or growing up.I always identified myself as a man.I never thought that something is wrong with me,i think it was all normal untill now.I remember once I was playing girls game,I was pretnding to be one for a second and this gives me anxiety. My mom said this is all normal for a kid but it donesn’t make me feel any better. She told me that I never showed signs that something Is not right,I was always normal boy. Know that I think about it I never felt I am a girl inside and I never dressed as a girl.When I was in puberty I developed gynocomastia (breast tissue enlargement in men) to me it looked like girls breasts and I hated it so much,I was depressed and angry for some time and I wouldn’t dare to take my shirt off on beach because I was so embarrassed. Also when I gained weight I thought I had women hips and I hated it soo much. So how can I now think I am a woman? Worst thing about is when I refer to myself as a man my mind changes it and refers to me as a woman. Why is this happening?
I also have fear and thoughts of being a potental serial killer and murdering my family. This stared about five months ago. I think I might be a murderer because when I was a child I hated cats and I use to beat them(happeend two or three times). I even dry humpred one but only for a split second.Now it is completely opposite,I wouldn’t hurt an ant. Worst thing about this Is that I have never remembered it untill these thoughts stared and I never got the chance to repend and feel regret. Now I think that I am seriously mentaly deranged and that Is something wrong with me. I pray to god that these unknown feeling I have are regret and disgust.
My longests obsession is that I am homosexual even though I was never in love with a man, I had few girlfriends and I enjoyed it. Worst thing about this is I have gay dreams of men doing it and i have erections that even turns to wet dreams.Before my dreams were filled with women and me having sex with them and I liked it a lot.
I also have/had other thoughts and obesessions which are:
-HIV thoughts ( this one happened 5 years ago and it lasted for about 2-3 years)
-thoughts of being a pedophile
-thoughts that I am sexually attracted to animals
-thoughts that I am attracted to family members
- thoughts about infertility ( this one only bothered me for a few days but gave me a lot of anxiety)
There are all my thoughts and obessions that I can’t go all in detail. I also have compulsions that I do such as: excessive hands and bathroom washing, door locking,oven checking etc.
I am curently on medications and seeing a psychiatrist which is not helping, my obsessions and some kind of feelings I have that I am my obseessions are only getting worse.I do a lot of reading, checking and reassurance seeking. It’s really hard for me to ignore these thoughts. I was reading about some techniques I can do to deal with this but it’s very hard to apply. And they are not helping…
That’s about it for now. If you guys have paticence to go through this post and give me some tips and techniques that can help me deal with this,that would be awesome. Thank you in advance.
I am male,23 years old,and I have obsessive thoughts for two and a half years now. All of my obsessions have one thing in common,they give me anxiety,some kind of urges and they are very crippling somethimes. Also somethimes I feel constat headache which is not strong and I feel like my brain is pulsing and I feel pressure and tightness around my head. That’s how bad it gets.
My worst obsession at the moment is obsession about being transgender. It started a little over one year ago,It was on the low for a while but now it is back stronger than ever and It’s only getting worse.
Like any other obsssion it FEELS SO REAL. I’m scared that I might have gender dysphoria now,I never had this as a child or growing up.I always identified myself as a man.I never thought that something is wrong with me,i think it was all normal untill now.I remember once I was playing girls game,I was pretnding to be one for a second and this gives me anxiety. My mom said this is all normal for a kid but it donesn’t make me feel any better. She told me that I never showed signs that something Is not right,I was always normal boy. Know that I think about it I never felt I am a girl inside and I never dressed as a girl.When I was in puberty I developed gynocomastia (breast tissue enlargement in men) to me it looked like girls breasts and I hated it so much,I was depressed and angry for some time and I wouldn’t dare to take my shirt off on beach because I was so embarrassed. Also when I gained weight I thought I had women hips and I hated it soo much. So how can I now think I am a woman? Worst thing about is when I refer to myself as a man my mind changes it and refers to me as a woman. Why is this happening?
I also have fear and thoughts of being a potental serial killer and murdering my family. This stared about five months ago. I think I might be a murderer because when I was a child I hated cats and I use to beat them(happeend two or three times). I even dry humpred one but only for a split second.Now it is completely opposite,I wouldn’t hurt an ant. Worst thing about this Is that I have never remembered it untill these thoughts stared and I never got the chance to repend and feel regret. Now I think that I am seriously mentaly deranged and that Is something wrong with me. I pray to god that these unknown feeling I have are regret and disgust.
My longests obsession is that I am homosexual even though I was never in love with a man, I had few girlfriends and I enjoyed it. Worst thing about this is I have gay dreams of men doing it and i have erections that even turns to wet dreams.Before my dreams were filled with women and me having sex with them and I liked it a lot.
I also have/had other thoughts and obesessions which are:
-HIV thoughts ( this one happened 5 years ago and it lasted for about 2-3 years)
-thoughts of being a pedophile
-thoughts that I am sexually attracted to animals
-thoughts that I am attracted to family members
- thoughts about infertility ( this one only bothered me for a few days but gave me a lot of anxiety)
There are all my thoughts and obessions that I can’t go all in detail. I also have compulsions that I do such as: excessive hands and bathroom washing, door locking,oven checking etc.
I am curently on medications and seeing a psychiatrist which is not helping, my obsessions and some kind of feelings I have that I am my obseessions are only getting worse.I do a lot of reading, checking and reassurance seeking. It’s really hard for me to ignore these thoughts. I was reading about some techniques I can do to deal with this but it’s very hard to apply. And they are not helping…
That’s about it for now. If you guys have paticence to go through this post and give me some tips and techniques that can help me deal with this,that would be awesome. Thank you in advance.
OCD attacks the things you care most about. I totally get ruminating and reassurance seeking. OCD is a misfire in the brain. OCD has you take pn the feelings you fear. I would would worry about having harm thoughts towards my husband-then I would have a false feeling of wanting my husband to be harmed...it feels so real. The more you make fun of the thought, the OCD gets bored and jumps to another topic.
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