is this my OCD or genuine HIV risk

[lauraneedshelp]

Hi all

I'm really hoping for some help here. I'm struggling very badly right now and need a rational viewpoint.

I was diagnosed with OCD 12 years ago and have certain things I am very anxious about namely HIV, dirty needles and since my daughter was born, checking all doors and windows are locked.

I was recently out with my husband and ended up rather drunk. We were having a drink in an area we don't know with people we don't know overly well.

At the end of the evening we were on our way home when I noticed something sharp sticking out of my bag. I'd earlier bought a pack of safety pins, used one on my jacket and tipped the rest into my bag (just a little fabric bag). I vaguely remember thinking "theres one of those safety pins sticking out of my bag" but can't remember much else really.

My question is do you think this could have been a dirty needle which someone had put in my bag? Would I have remembered taking a needle out of my bag? There was no needle in the bag in the morning.

I know this will sound crazy to most people but I really am worrying myself sick about this and would really appreciate someone elses point of view.

Thank you

[lauraneedshelp]

ok well little update guys.
i managed to beat the irrational thoughta and havent thought about them since.
until today that is when now ive come down with a sore throat etc which im convinced
is hiv ars symptoms and now im going out of my mind again. i really hate life like this its never ending and i dont know how to beat it

[meemoll]

I also wanted to add, you are not alone.  Guilt and over responsibility seem to be hallmarks of OCD.  I suffer from that as well.

I too have developed a habit of having wine in the evening to dull some of the anxieties, but I don't end up drunk.  I think that makes things worse, so I would try to avoid that.

I frequently will experience the same thing as you -- feeling good about something and waking up in a panic.  It is so difficult.

[meemoll]

I have off and on struggled with anxiety since I was a kid.  In 2001, I got Lyme disease and was very sick until I went on antibiotics which seemed to clear it up.  However, shortly after that I started to develop OCD symptoms.  It started when we were trying to conceive and I became very concerned about scooping the cat box and getting toxoplasmosis.  Then I started having great difficulty driving, convinced that I had hit someone.  Then add to that checking -- it was a nightmare.  It took forever to leave home when I was checking..... then I became convinced that I was going to get pregnant from toilet seats or some other weird way.  I was having lots of fertility treatments at the time.  Then it was HIV.....on and on.  So I started to work with a therapist to do ERP, spent a ton of $$, was bad about doing the exposures.  I made some gains via very hard work to resist rituals.  Not going back to check the road, check this that and the other thing that worried me.  Now, I do not suffer from that at all.  Rather, it has become a battle against occassional HIV worries and rabies (!!)  It is such a pain!!  So I started taking Zoloft a few years back, after having tried Celexa, Paxil and one other I can't remember the name of .

The Zoloft seems to work fairly well.  I am on 150 mg now, but was on a higher amount about 2 years ago when I had a major crisis.  I also have a supply of leftover Klonopin from the time and I take it only in the most anxious moments, and use it very sparingly.  It just helps take the anxiety down so you can start to recover and think more rationally.

I don't know enough about the origins of it, whether genetic or in my case I like to think the Lyme triggered something because of how awful I felt.  It could have been dormant in me, who knows.

I think medicine can be a good thing because it will help you do the hard work of managing this condition and help you to feel at least a bit more normal.  I know that I love it when I see something that in the past was a major trigger, and now I can shrug and move on.

I might also suggest that you look up Dr. Jonathan Grayson's work, and his book.  He also has a website.  His approach has a lot to do with simply accepting and tolerating uncertainty.  For example, I cannot be 100% sure that I did not step on a needle.  Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.  And something bad might happen to me in this life.  It is worth the risk to just keep living and leaving our worries behind in order to subdue the OCD.

[lauraneedshelp]

Hi thanks for sharing. It really does help to hear of others going through the same thing. There is times over the years where I've genuinely felt I must be the only one in the world going through this.

My husband is exactly the same. He finds it hard to believe that I can really believe some of the things I ask him. I ask for constant reassurance and he really is good but after 3 or 4 days of repeatedly asking he does tend to get angry. Which is fine, I can more than understand why!!

I understand your beach scenario, I would be exactly the same (even though when I read it in relation to you I thought absolutely no chance of it being a needle!) and it would then ruin my holiday and I would then feel guilty. I have terrible guilty feelings too about letting people down, asking for reassurance, not doing well enough with everything and anything, getting drunk, the list goes on...... Is this related to OCD? I haven't come across a lot about the guilt part and whether or not its associated with my OCD.

Can I ask if you think these anxious episodes we have are chemical/genetic related at all? The reason I ask is because sometimes I can go to bed at night feeling good, quite hopeful etc and wake up the next morning in a state about something. And also vice versa sometimes I worry about something for days and wake up one morning and realise how silly I've been.

I'm feeling a lot better today about the needle/safety pin (!!) issue but I have been having the odd moment when Ive started to have the irrational thought and had to fight against it.

I've never been offered Zoloft do you find it helps?

Thanks

[meemoll]

Hi Laura, I am a fellow OCD sufferer with similar fears like yours.  Yes, the OCD mind makes up all kinds of scenarios, and frequently incorrectly perceives things.  When I seek reassurance (which I am trying very very hard not to do anymore) from my husband, he marvels at my outlandish scenarios that are so far removed from reality.  But in the heat of the anxiety and terror, they feel soooo real.  I recently had an episode where I stepped on something sharp at the beach.  I immediately assumed it was an HIV needle (first mistake), then I searched the area obsessively, then I told my husband, and then I essentially let it ruin the next week, as I googled it, sought reassurance on this site and overthought it.  Eventually I was able to let it go, but I made a lot of mistakes in the mean time.  I dont always do that, but when I do, its a doozy and it takes the anxiety forever to go away.  Overthinking, reassurance seeking, checking, worrying, they all just keep this irrational thought going and alive.

Sometimes I can shake a horrid thought relatively quickly, especially if I avoid rituals.  Other times it takes a while until eventually the anxiety subsides, your "right" mind kicks in and you start to feel better.

I am on zoloft and had been in CBT for several years.  Presently I just touch base with my psychiatrist from time to time and use a smart phone app called Live OCD free to help me practice my exposures.

Be glad to help in anyway.

And yes, this is your OCD!!

[lauraneedshelp]

Hi thanks for your response. This is the first time ive ever posted on anything like this and although i would never wish this on anyone it does help to know other people are going through the same. The fact that its not just me who makes up memories makes me feel (almost) normal!

I live in fear of these episodes. When they take hold me i lose days of my life and can think of nothing else. Then there are days when i wake up and can see how irrational ive been.

I tend to go through phases of fears. The cancer one lasted a while and now im back to hiv and needles and anything blood related.

Ive only been off my meds for 8 weeks but i still had the episodes while on them albeit maybe not quite as bad.

It is strange how u can look at someone elses ocd fear and realise its irrational. Do u really think mine is irrational?
How do you cope with yours?

[lola099]

Hello.

I know the feeling of fear that comes with OCD and the irrational thoughts that come along with it.

I once feared that someone came into my house had sex in my bed and then took a shower... ya., apparently my house is the spot to do these things. Read that and you will think to yourself, ok OCD won that round, there is no way that happened.

This is how others are able to look at your fears, and we have to try to have the same approach to ours. I read your post and I can understand the fear, I really can, but you have to take astep back and breathe.

Take a few deep breaths and know that it was a safety pin sticking out of your bag. Im going to say that if you pulled a needle out of your bag, OCD or not, that is something that would sober you up.

I understand your fears that is why we are here, to help.

I could not survive without my meds so good for  you for trying!

Honestly, you are fine. You are ok. Let this episode go.

[lauraneedshelp]

Thank u for taking the time with me.  My family are losing patience.

Do u think that even drunk something like a needle would stay in my mind? I know id offended some unintetionally earlier and im worried they would then have put the used needle there as revenge. Also would something leaning against one of the pins in my bag cause it to pop open

[JGF25]

Definitely your mind making things up. I think you already know this but you are looking for closure.  At least that is how it works for me.  Desperately trying to find closure for the thought so it will go away.  Anyway, let me reassure you that there was no needle.  

How do you put up with it?  I wouldn't last very long.  I did quite a few years without meds but the irrational thoughts didn't stay with me...I was able to let them go.  I still did checking and little things.  I finally had to go back on meds.  

Hopefully you can find some reassurance from me.  There really was no needle other than the safety pins you put in your own purse.  Take care of you!  

[lauraneedshelp]

I've been on and off medication for 10 years (prozac and citalopram) although currently on no medication.

I have what I call episodes where I worry constantly and I mean days solid about something then it passes but I lose those days.

I'm paranoid maybe I was so drunk that I did notice the needle and threw this away. A possibility or my usual mind making up scenarios do you think?

Thanks

[JGF25]

OCD people make up all kinds of stupid things.  If I tried to write down all the things I have thought, I'd be here forever.  

Because we tend to overthink everything, you have gone from a plausible scenario, that being the safety pins in your purse, to a person placing a needle in your purse.  I know you are sweating with fear right now but it just doesn't happen.  You will not find statistics of people contracting HIV from this type of scenario because they simply don't happen.  

You need to write down the facts.  1.  You had a whole bunch of safety pins in your purse.  2.  There is every likelihood that one of them was open and sticking out of your purse.  3.  You were drunk and we all know that when we are drunk we can't think straight.  4.  There was nothing in your purse in the morning except the safety pins.  

There was no needle.  Can I ask you what you have done over the past 12 years to help combat your OCD?  Was it manageable and now it is kind of out of control?  I see that you are checking...been there....which isn't too bad as long as it isn't taking you an hour to check all the doors and window and you are not going back repeatedly to check something you already checked.