Aa
is this still HOCD?
Hello, I'm now a 20 year old female, whom, for all my teenage life until i was around 17 and a half, had 100% considered myself straight and I'd only ever had crushes on boys, even when i was little. when i was younger i noticed i'd sometimes get hung up on fleeting thoughts, ones i wouldnt like, but after worrying over them for a short time, it'd soon pass. near enough three years ago i had a lot going on in my life, a level exams, and my grandad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, which affected my whole family greatly. around a month after getting the news, i was at this time in a relationship with a guy my own age who was my first real love.
when sitting in the canteen with my friends one day, i brushed past one of my friends boobs and got a 'feeling' down below, followed by an instant pain in my chest and the feeling of my heart dropping, and i panicked, i thought "why would i feel that way?" having never had any feeling like that for a female before. i then panicked and made a joke at one of my other friends regarding her breasts to test if id get the same feeling, which i didn't, but still, i was in panic, worrying over why i got that feeling, and what it meant.
i went for roughly a year with the same thought racing in and out of my mind, at times it got bad and id sit and cry for days, it began affecting my relationship, every time we were intimate id look for normal signs of arousal and if i didn't notice any (which may be because i was feeling anxious) id panic even more. i began checking myself for signs of arousal around girls and would often get this feeling down below, which didn't necessarily feel like arousal but more like a dull ache from down below. i began finding it uncomfortable around family members getting changed and didn't like to show signs of affection to any female, even those i was related too. i retraced my early teenage years, the time i kissed a girl at a party, back then i never felt attracted to her, but now i was wondering if it meant something. I've only ever dated boys and felt emotionally and physically attracted to them. but it was like i no longer could feel attracted to boys and if i did my mind doubted it, and would respond by changing thoughts in my head with "you like girls" or they would question me "do you really fancy him?". My thoughts and feelings like this went on for a long time, all accompanied by a tightness in my chest, the occasional full body shudder if ever i noticed a woman was attractive, followed by instant fear and intrusive thoughts and sometimes a sickness in my stomach. i'm not opposed to gay relationships, I've just never wanted one for myself.
anyway, when my grandad passed, maybe it was due to the distraction, i stopped noticing the anxious feeling in my chest and the intrusive thoughts took a back seat, i'd get the occasional fleeting thought but would quickly be able to dismiss it, this has lasted for about the past year, during this time i've met someone new. a guy. my last relationship ended the same time my grandad passed which was very difficult for me. but for the past year ive been happy again with another man i've met and i've fallen in love. but the anxiety has returned and i'm starting to get the thoughts again, only this time, it feels even more convincing. i'm so distressed because until this started up again, i've been so happy. is this HOCD? or like someone suggested to me recently, am i just repressing my feelings?
when sitting in the canteen with my friends one day, i brushed past one of my friends boobs and got a 'feeling' down below, followed by an instant pain in my chest and the feeling of my heart dropping, and i panicked, i thought "why would i feel that way?" having never had any feeling like that for a female before. i then panicked and made a joke at one of my other friends regarding her breasts to test if id get the same feeling, which i didn't, but still, i was in panic, worrying over why i got that feeling, and what it meant.
i went for roughly a year with the same thought racing in and out of my mind, at times it got bad and id sit and cry for days, it began affecting my relationship, every time we were intimate id look for normal signs of arousal and if i didn't notice any (which may be because i was feeling anxious) id panic even more. i began checking myself for signs of arousal around girls and would often get this feeling down below, which didn't necessarily feel like arousal but more like a dull ache from down below. i began finding it uncomfortable around family members getting changed and didn't like to show signs of affection to any female, even those i was related too. i retraced my early teenage years, the time i kissed a girl at a party, back then i never felt attracted to her, but now i was wondering if it meant something. I've only ever dated boys and felt emotionally and physically attracted to them. but it was like i no longer could feel attracted to boys and if i did my mind doubted it, and would respond by changing thoughts in my head with "you like girls" or they would question me "do you really fancy him?". My thoughts and feelings like this went on for a long time, all accompanied by a tightness in my chest, the occasional full body shudder if ever i noticed a woman was attractive, followed by instant fear and intrusive thoughts and sometimes a sickness in my stomach. i'm not opposed to gay relationships, I've just never wanted one for myself.
anyway, when my grandad passed, maybe it was due to the distraction, i stopped noticing the anxious feeling in my chest and the intrusive thoughts took a back seat, i'd get the occasional fleeting thought but would quickly be able to dismiss it, this has lasted for about the past year, during this time i've met someone new. a guy. my last relationship ended the same time my grandad passed which was very difficult for me. but for the past year ive been happy again with another man i've met and i've fallen in love. but the anxiety has returned and i'm starting to get the thoughts again, only this time, it feels even more convincing. i'm so distressed because until this started up again, i've been so happy. is this HOCD? or like someone suggested to me recently, am i just repressing my feelings?
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