Am I dealing with HOCD?

[Zdlb2000]

Hi, I'm a 15 year old and I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts for about a year,though mainly homosexual thoughts there have been sacrilegious thoughts also,(I'm a Christian), when I  was younger I never liked guys, only girls. These thoughts absolutely disgust me and drive me insane, I had what I think was a anxiety or panic attack a couple of weeks ago, I felt like I was losing my mind, even thoughts of suicide came into my head. These homosexual thoughts are mainly sexual, I don't know of what had might of started them. I have talked to my priest at my parish 2 times about this. These thoughts occur everyday,when I wake up to when I can finally fall asleep. I have had a porn problem since I was 11. I do guess I had a "homosexual experience" when I was younger, I really didn't know what gay or straight was at that time, but I tried to stick a dildo up my butt, which I am ashamed of and disgusted by. Other than that nothing, I have always been straight, but these thoughts make me think I am gay or bisexual and they make me think I will become gay or bisexual, which I would never do as I want to marry a woman and have a family when I get older. These thoughts weren't as bad as when I was in school last year, but when summer came around and I had nothing really to do, they came like wildfire. Now that school has started back, I hope they will progress downwards and eventually just stop. But do I have HOCD and I've to trusted websites and I have looked at the symptoms and it seems like I might have it but I would like a opinion of someone who has had it, but I know I'm gay or bisexual, I don't want to do anything with a guy. Thanks everyone who answers.

[bringmejoy]

Completely agree with everything JGF25 said. If you don't want/can't buy the book as it is costly, there is a free PDF of it here http://freepdfxdownload.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/free-pdf-overcoming-obsessive-thoughts.html

[JGF25]

This is the book

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD

[JGF25]

Hi there....while we cannot formally diagnose you on the forum, it does sure sound like OCD.  This is my take on being gay or not and I hope I don't offend you with it but I believe it is genetic.  I believe our genes dictate whether we are born gay or not.  You cannot wake up one day and become gay.  People that are truly gay know it and have known it for a long time.  Sometimes they try to act the opposite, some even get married and have kids, but trust me, they know without a doubt they are gay.  You are fighting this thought because it isn't who you really are.  

OCD is like playing war with your mind.  You say black and your mind says white.  

To get over this you need to let the thought wash over you.  You need to give it no credit.  When you give into it, when you test, you are actually making your self stay in the battle.  When you "give up" and stop fighting your mind, the fear is gone and you can let it go.  

Ideally you should see a psychologist.  Can you talk to your parents about this and get an appointment?  

There is a good book that people have recommended on here that I haven't read so I will go and try to find it.  What you have is called Pure-O in that it is obsessional thoughts that are plaguing you.