Someone please help: Is this HOCD? I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

[Arianeerr]

I am a 20 year old female who has always struggled with being comfortable within herself. I have had serious anxiety, panic attacks, anorexia and a lot of mental battles. I would always feel guilty after eating, exercise after meals to burn whatever I ate off, and so much more. ( I am explaining my past battles)

I remember always always wanting to hang out with the boys when I was younger, but I always had crushes on them. My first crush started in kindergarten and I developed an even stronger crush in 1st grade to a boy. Growing up I developed a mad love for a particular boy in a boy band and would even cry over him listening to his music. I had crushes on boys all through out middle school and high school and lost my virginity to a very masculine boy a couple years older than me at age 16.

As a child, I would get strange thoughts in my head and play around with them and convince myself I had a certain problem, then fight myself and say no, I didn't then yes, I did.

I had always been very  curious about sex and as a very young girl I ventured out into the porn world and was afraid of penises so I watched lesbian porn and got aroused with the idea of oral sex….however, I was aroused and with my MALE partner at 16 always wanted HIM to perform oral sex on me. I never thought of doing it to a female, just desperately wanted to share that with the particular male I was sexually active with. Because he was so against it, I would watch both straight and lesbian porn and get turned on by the idea.

That relationship ended and I became sexually active with a guy I did not love, but who willingly performed oral sex on me which I absolutely loved. He was a very gentle lover and I appreciated the sensitivity. After that ended, I became involved with my current boyfriend who I love and am in love with.

during the summer, my current boyfriend and I broke up, and I hated life. I was depressed and and I tried to see another male. The emotional attachment wasn't there and I was very turned off. We had sex, I didn't want it, and suddenly I started telling myself I was a lesbian.

It would stress me out severely and I would wince at the thought and really feel weird about it. I developed serious headaches and could not sleep and i would repeat it to myself so often that I believed that this was a sign that I was indeed lesbian. My ex boyfriend who is now my current boyfriend called me, and my heart rate soared and I felt so nervous.


Long story short my current boyfriend who is the one that called after we weren't together for the three months during the summer drives me insane. when we fight I am afraid to lose him, when he shows me how in love he is with me I melt. Our sex life is phenomenal when I don't worry about me being a you know what. I actually LOVE the way he feels in bed and I find him to be sexy.



My question is, does my situation sound like HOCD? I view women as beautiful and sexy and sexual and I most of the time want to BE that way not sleep with them. I get turned on by porn and female bodies based on what is being done to them because I want the same for myself. I have always been crushing on boys and always infatuated with girls because I want to emanate them.

I have told my dad and sister that I worry about this… they both have told me that it sounds pretty silly given the fact that they have watched my behavior and interest in men for all my life.


Am I okay? Please, anything to help me... I just want the fear and headaches to stop.

[Arianeerr]

Hey,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond.

Actually, I work out a lot. I am a very athletic girl who lifts and its funny you mentioned that. Once I am in the gym and in the zone I think about it a lot less. I even catch myself noticing men and getting excited to check them out.
I haven't told anyone except I once mentioned it to my sister and she thought that was ridiculous because of the fact that she knew ever since I was about 4 years old I had crazy crushes on guys.

I don't know whether my depression is really at an all time high but I don't find myself being crazy into my boyfriend either. When I stop thinking and we are intimate...I love it. The second I start thinking I become detached.


I wish I knew you in person... I feel like I have no one and I think this is all making me sick with worry. I just want to be normal. I want to cry...

I am so happy to have someone responding to me.


How are you? Hope all is well.

[Rev19]

I should have pre read that before sending sorry for the bad grammar typeing super fast.

[Rev19]

We feel the exact same way when a ee think it I get a wierd feeling and upset when it's bad. This all really stated bothering me around my senior I had a lot of stress going on about to graduate and not to N I'm enlisting so that was stressful to think I'm about to leave thinking all this messed up stuff and it's my dream to serve but I am waiting to get better right now so that's stressing me out to. Iv notice when I work out at the gym it really doesn't bother me I'm focused are running and when I'm doing something I like I ko da have the HOCD in the back of my head and I'll forget about it for a while but it comes right back after I'm done doing something. If we were "gay" don't you think we would have been years ago? Im pretty sure we're both straight. OCD is a ***** I have it my mom and big brother but it's something we have to live with so I say screw I'm one day we will both make OCD our little *****. That's how I kinda think about it. It's a cycle of never ending fear but Iv beat a lot of OCD types but this one really tops it all in frustration. I'm 19 bout to be 20 and it takes a lot for me to actually break down cry. I can say this has got me to the point were at the end of the day I just go home after hangout with the friends are something and I just broke down. Iv had it for a year now and I can say Iv got better. So I have hope it will go away some time soon. It's probably not going to go away tomorrow but if it did I'd start going to church haha. And don't let this ruin your relationship, I know it's hard super hard but I ruined a relationship because of this and it ripped me apart so just fight it. And don't let it do what it did to me please it's a living hell I know  but has of right now I feel really good. you should try to get in to running are even lift weights it helps me a lot and I now I'm not gay because every guy does it when a girl gets next to me are by me are something instead of 8 reps I do like 1000  hipatheticly speaking ha just to show off. So your not gay believe me! Have you told anyone about it in person like your mom are some close to you?

[Arianeerr]

Thank you for your help. This interferes with my time with my boyfriend. Lately, I will spend the day with him and I'm so distracted and can't enjoy myself with him. The worst part about all of this is have absolutely NO ONE to talk to. It torments me. My biggest fear when I think of this is how if I believe that I am... you know what.. that my ENTIRE life as I know it will be in shambles. I think that's a sign that I am not. Because I get nervous and my heart races when I think about living life that way. I still freak out though and think maybe I am in massive denial. I appreciate your comments a lot. How are you doing?

[Rev19]

Your not tho. If you love your boyfriend like you say you do then like guys. I was thinking the exact same horrible things you were. But I get upset every time I have a thought that I have about something gay I hate it I like girls still do and always will and I'm not going to give up so the fact that I get made and depressed when this happens means that I don't like it and don't want to think it because I dont. Its a mean cycle and I pray it go to a different OCD soon are goes away completely because it drives me crazy mad were I actually get angry and pissed off. I almost whent suididal last year over this and I got on medication but it really don't help make it go away. To me it helps me not stress has much so I will try and stay focused on what's at hand. I'm trying to ignore it has much has I can and it helps but still in the back of my mind I have the thoughts so it's a cycle. The more you think about it you start to think it over and over and over. Idk why but it's how OCD works and it's a ***** but I found out today that a lot of people have the same problem we do. It may not be the "living hell of HOCD" but we're all in the same boat and it suck I use to pull out my hair I was so stressed and I beat that OCD but then my senior year in high school HOCD started with me. It can ruin your life it seems. I had to end my enlistment for right be till I can get rid of this because there no way I can serve like this. I'm 19 soon will be 20 and I'm straight always have been so there's no way that we can just turn like that not possible. If we don't like the thought then we must not want to live that life so there for... We're straight. OCD tricks the mind and it makes it feel so real Iv been reading all about it for the past day. For some people it's been with them for years others a few months and it's gone. It's not fair but try and ignore the thoughts and maybe you will just forget it and they will go away.

[Arianeerr]

Also, I am 20... and this thought popped into my head less than a year ago. Until then I never worried or questioned myself.

[Arianeerr]

I am concerned that I am in denial or something... Maybe it isn't HOCD... I just don't know why this idea suddenly popped into my head and why I obsess over pretty females and the lives they live. I am torn between knowing that I obsess because I want that life for myself since I have lived a boring one, and telling myself that I like them.


I would like more opinions. is this HOCD?

[Rev19]

I have the same thing with me but I a guy ha. I fell the same damn way, literally the moment I wake up the thoughts torment me and I lite can't focus right. It's a living hell and it's not a fun ride but most people have talked to it will go away if I ignore it and I will develop a new OCD type like washing my hands every second. But I'm to afraid to not fight the things that go through my mind and it *****. I love girls and I aways have got turned on by girls never a guy and I plan on it staying that way. So I believe there is hope but it's not something that can just go away by night tho I wish it would. keep fighting I put up the same question you did like an hour ago lol.