Please give me your input, scared to death, ruining my life...kinda long

[autumnsky]

Strange post but please bare with me. This has been plaguing me on and off for sometime now. I haver been diagnosed with severe anxiety and OCD. This is my story and please be advised i NEVER did anything inappropriate such as touch or hurt.
When I was 13-15 about thee my cousins were over, My female cousin was about 8 or so at the time and one time I was undressing in my bedroom with a pillow covering me but "moved it" and it showed part of my breast and she laughed and pointed. Why did I do that to see how curious she would be because she was a female too and would someday be like me, why did I do it? AM I sick? Another time we would play, I liked playing the tickling game and would get "turned on" when she or another female cousin would tickle me and I would masturbate after...I am mortified does this mean I am sexually dangerous? I posted on this board before under another name more than a year ago and someone wrote I was not a criminal or dangerous that is just what pre-teens do and that I should go to therapy for it if it was bothering me that much and to remember everyone is not the same.
Then another time I was babysitting, a bit older this time and I was in the bathroom, I told the kids jokingly not to come inside like a hint to almost do so but I felt as though I wanted them o come in to get curious cuz I was older and mature, then AGAIN I feel like a grossed out monster. The little girl I was babysitting for and I were sitting on her bed and I was leaning reading her wall calendar and the small of my back was showing along with my underwear, I knew it was but didn't do anything I wanted to see her reaction since I was a bit self conscious cuz on the small of my back I had hair there, (weird I know see I told you this post is strange) I wanted to see if she would look and laugh cuz I was always so self conscious as a teen and still am
To conclude this long post, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME am I a bad person or just someone who needs to talk to a doctor? Who's done things like this before or questioned themselves? I do not know why I am freaking out now, I feel as though what I did back then wad horrible and someone will think of me as a pervert or child sex abuser. Like I said I NEVER touched or hurt a child before. My doctor said I'm going through a horrible time now with my anxiety so it is making me think of things seem bigger than they are (she doesn't know about this yet that is why I need to talk to someone cuz I don't see her til next week!!!) :(

[lostmermaid]

Hi I just found your post and i am going through a similar thing with childhood sexual play and feeling like a i could be an abuser or predator. I am also diagnosed with Anxiety and more recently OCD. Have you worked through this? I just recently remember weird things I did as a child and they are in my mind obsessively. I'm scared Ill never be able to forgive myself or accept that it was just something weird I did as a kid. It helps to know someone else is going through this. . .

[Julie359]

To be honest i would be worried if you wrote that ur starting to get arroused over seeing kids nude or r having thoughts of touching them or them touching u in a more sexual way.

When i was a kid  roughly 10 and her 9 both me and my female cousin experimented and had a role play session of me being the husband and her the wife (i'm female), then we went through the motions of having sex, we kissed and we both got turned on.  Another time my male cousin, showed me his private parts when i was 9 or so and i found this very funny.  When i got older both myself and another cousin had dry sex.

My friend, when she was 16yrs old got her dog to lick her vagina and use to rub herself on her dog and found this very arrousing.....

What i'm trying to say is that as kids we do things because we are finding out about our bodies and discovering who we are.  As kids we experiment and can find differnent things arrousing.

You really shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself, you were a child and getting to understand who u were and what you liked.... remember there are millions of people out there with weird and wonderful things that sexually arrouse and as long as ur not showing urself off to children now then i feel you really should try and accept it as a child hood phase and put it to rest....

Explain it to ur doc, i'm sure she will say roughly the same thing.

Take care and try to be kind to urself... remember one thing, no one can he as hard on you as you r to urself.... that i know is true.  Don't make urself ur own enermy!!