Do I have HOCD or am I just In denial

[Gator9490]

I am a 22 year old male and have always thought that I was a heterosexual male. There was only one time that I had a "gay experience" when i was maybe 8 years old that my friend and I pretended eachother were a girl and kind of groped eachother, fully clothed however not much contact.I remember feeling tingling downstairs but when I looked I was not hard but the opposite. I was to young to understand, I was just confused. I was to young to really think of that as being of being a gay thing to do. I never thought anything of it till much later. I however always felt as a heterosexual male, I remember the first time that I "lost" control and had an orgasm by accident was when I ordered a lesbian video on payperview and uncontrollably let go. It was then that i discovered porn (straight porn) and from a very young age masturbated frequently. First it was just simple porn, then hardcore porn as i progressed. I never once can remember having a crush on any guys when I was a kid, only on girls. I wasnt very popular, until I got into middleschool and didnt have my first gf till 8th grade and when i hit puberty i became a little better looking. I can only remember good experience with girls(except for one). I had a girlfriend for a year my sophmore year who I thought i was inlove with, but only naive. Ive always had trouble with girls though, because I have always been akward, sort of goofy and insecure. I never had once thought though that I was different from other guys other then the fact that I sucked at sports and didn't care to much about them but thats how my whole family is. The first time I started worrying about being gay was when I was at the beach with a friend and I thought one guy was attractive... I dont think It was in a sexual way but It really confused me and made me anxious. I then started obsessing over the fact that I might be gay and my previous experience that i had stated when I was a kid haunted me continually. It made no sense to me, I had a porn addiction to hetersexual porn at this point so it was confusing. I  have always been turned on by girls. It went away and came back and went away and came back. I then found another girlfriend who I crushed hard on and it wasnt long until she broke my heart making me feeling like I was in hell. I went into a bout of depression and started using hard drugs. I questioned myself again. I thought was it because I might be gay and she can just tell.. but it turned out just that she got back with her exboyfriend. I went through turmoil for the next year trying to get over her and always worrying that my bad luck with girls wasnt because of my anxiety, or insecurities but because I was actually gay. It still didnt make sense. I had sex or flings with girls for the next year and I was always turned on. Sometimes I felt guilty afterwards... but I dont think that is uncommon but somtimes would cause spikes of anxiety. I would wonder if maybe it was because I was just gay and thats why sometimes I felt guilty afterwards. Anyways I went off to college and started my freshman year and met a girl who I really cared for.. but was so emotionally devoid and still am because of my ex girlfriend. I never let myself get too attached to her and college is college and we broke it off, it wasnt until after that I realized what I had lost. I am just so emotionally devoid now that I avoid letting myself get attached to woman. I dont want to get hurt as bad as I did for some reason before. This however caused me to wonder if maybe it wasnt that I was emotionally devoid but that I  might be gay. I always wonder If I might be gay. I constantly check if I feel attracted towards guys and Its like I cant really tell. My anxiety just gets so strong I just get a lump in my stomach. I read a bunch of coming out stories and their are none that I can compare with. I can't picture myself being a homosexual or being with another guy. Ever since I was young Ive wanted to marry a girl and have children. It's killing me. This constant turmoil I feel. I wish I could go back to when I was 15 when I didn't feel this way and I still had "feelings". All I feel like now is a perverted, porn addicted, empty person with constant anxiety about if I am gay, and my social phobias I have and all the insecurities I have picked up throughout my life. I feel like I can't get close to anyone and sometimes I am scared to death. Sometimes I wish I could just be drunk or do the drugs i was doing before because my anxiety always goes away on them. Please give me some advice.

[rachelf22]

I used to have the same intrusive thoughts about being a lesbian when I was younger. Looking back now, I think it's kind of silly how depressed I got over the fact that I may have been gay. I was never attracted to another girl, I think just the thought of being different was scary. I still don't understand why it upset me so much, because I'm totally comfortable with gay people.

I really don't have much advice, I just wanted to say I know exactly what you're going through.

[jue939]

Hi,
I don't think you're in denial at all. I suffer from anxiety and its amazing how things from the past can come back to you giving you tunnel vision. What it looks like to me is that you are trying to find faults in yourself, your thought proccesses run away with you, then you only focus on the negative.  You sound straight I have been where you are, looking back now I can't believe I felt like that. I also thought that others may see it in me and that I was running away from it. I wasn't, I am straight but just got obssessed with the thoughts, just like my health at the moment I am worrying like crazy.

As with the drink and drugs it may suppress your feelings but only very short term.Drink and drugs will make things worse so please try to stay clear of them.  Have you been to see the GP? sometimes just talking to someone helps.