How to defeat the fear

[Richard1985]

At the moment (I hope) I am slowly recovring from this bad flu but still zero apetite and my stomach is also acting up.

I am so scared that other symptoms are going to show up. From my risk which I have been repeatedly told was zero how can I convince myself none will show and I'm fine?

Please help, anyone.

[Richard1985]

Hi JG, sorry for delay...

Touch wood I am over the flu. Slight cough left but someone in my office has also been left with a lingering cough.

Thanks for all your words. I still worry from time to time since my last slip up and I have some marks on my left thigh which I am hoping are dry skin or just random white marks.

I have been telling myself what happened was a no risk or at least very low risk incident.

I will have a look at that book. I think I do have a phobia or OCD. I really don't know actually. What do you think? From my posts I know I seem worried and anxious but what I did was also quite risque.

[JGF25]

Richard, maybe this book can also be of help to you.  The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  Are you over the flu yet?  

[Richard1985]

Can anyone help tell me whether my fears are indeed OCD or phobia like? Or are they expected fears most people would have after my incidents?

This could help ease my fear and worry - though I've been told no risk, I still worry.

[Richard1985]

Thanks and congrats. Being told no testing required for me should touch wood be enough for me. Just need to keep irrational thoughts at bay.

[Indy1978]

My initial test was a big relief.  I experience the same thing worriedkiwi experience. It was a huge relief and very emotional.  I sure wouldn't hurt!  I am going to test again soon so I can put everything behind and move on.  Life is too short, and I have learned more than I bargained for!  Hang in there!

[WorriedKiwi]

Yes, writing about how I feel helps me too. This is a great site and the people on these forums are very helpful.

Good to hear that you don't have interest in CSWs anymore. I have learnt my lesson too. This was my first experience with a csw and I hated every part of it. I was very nervous from start to end and the dim red lights make me sick everytime I think about it. I'm never going to do this again.

[Richard1985]

I may go to work today. I find writing about exactly how I feel helps.

Kiwi, you and I are similar in that we have loved ones who we have betrayed by our actions and that has put us at a tremendous amount of guilt.

I am very angry with myself. In fact I hate myself. I am probably in a strange way punishing myself for what I did. If you look at my previous posts from January of this year I clearly say I will never visit a CSW again. Now in October I went to one. But you know what is so bad? I genuinely didn't want to this time. I really have no interest in CSW's anymore - they're not for me. So why did I go to see one? Here is the awful part - because she was black. I just did it to "tick it off the list" on my friend's advice. I wasn't even horny. I hate the way I behaved. And the guilt and anger is consuming me.

From the moment I walked in I knew it was a mistake. I must have looked crazy (I probably am) asking the man if she was clean. He said yes and that the sauna was also a clinic where they do tests. As I say protected vaginal intercourse lasted around 2 minutes, with protected oral around 4 minutes.

Through the help of one person in particular on this forum (getitright) I am starting to work on the guilt. I have started to tell myself though what I did immoral it actually wasn't as risky as it seemed. It was protected sex, even for oral. Yes I did touch my penis after touching/taking the condom off but if I look at my old posts this is always the question I ask for risk (that and the CSW touching my testicles). All zero risk.

My stigma is that it was an African sex worker in London and of course that sounds high risk. But coupled with the assuarance she was clean, and the protected sex, that is the rational not the irrational which I have to keep believing in to stop from going mad. I was at zero risk and that's that. I have been told no testing is even required.

I have a flu. It's a common seasonal flu. It's actually getting better though still no appetite.

Thanks for listening everyone and your feedback would be much appreciated.

[Richard1985]

I can't do that Kiwi I'm just too scared. I've been told I don't need testing from my experience and that my fear is irrational.

Congratulations on your results, I know the feeling I have even cried when I have seen some replies to my posts from the experts saying zero risk etc.

[WorriedKiwi]

Why don't you go and take a test? I know the test are not conclusive before 3 months but they are highly reassuring.

I was scared to death to take a test but today morning I somehow convinced myself and got tested:

7 weeks CMIA (duo test) :  results due on wednesday
7 weeks INSTI rapid test: negative

After seeing negative INSTI, I cried with relief. I'm still tensed about my duo result though.

Hang in there buddy, we will be fine.