How did it get this bad?

[glenngould]

My HIV anxiety/ OCD is very rapidly spiralling out of control. On march 8th I had a panic attack about possible getting hiv from my ex girlfriend who at the time recently tested negative for hiv. I got a standard antibody test, followed by a insti rapid test a few days later. Both were negative and I had not been with anyone in 3 months. Conclusive, and putting my fears behind me, but I did have this little beacon of "what if the needle from my blood draw was reused". At the time, I shrugged this off and continued my life. On April 4th I was leisurely reading when the word hiv was mentioned, I panicked and started googling which quickly snowballed intense anxiety and panic.

Just about when I was starting to et better, on April 11th I was googling again, and the thought of the blood draw came into my mind. I was completely overwhelmed in panic and fear. went down to the blood draw clinic, emailed the lab which I had it done all for reassurance and checking. Today, I went down to get finger prick insti tested. From the time I entered the clinic I was constantly thinking and checking to make sure I had not sat on a needle or anything. I noticed a sliver " in my finger while I was in the wait room, this really got to me. Later this actually turned out to be just a pen mark... Lol. So I get the test done and talk to the nurse, for a few minutes. The cotton ball over my finger was stuck to my finger as it was dry and clotted within this time frame. On my way out I used one of those hand sanitizer dispensers, and accidentally touched the casing of it with the hand I got tested with. Now I am worrying about a possible infection from the inanimate surface , which is impossible. ... But i literally cannot accept this rational point of view. This has spiralled completely out of control , and ruined my university work.

I am totally lost at this point. I cannot deal with this any longer, I am so sick of this. I have a CBt group wensdays which has helped but my brain is obviously damaged. I have long been against meds as I was doing very well for a year and a half, but this newest episode has seriously debilitated me... I cannot function or do anything. Would love some input or support, my mind has actually semi convinced me that I am infected with hiv now.. thank you brain.

[JGF25]

Ah.....Marijuana...the stimulant that is a no-no for people who don't need anymore stimulation in their lives :)  Do you drink coffee?  That is another one that you might want to think of getting rid of if you do drink it.  

Since you are on a wait-list for a psychiatrist appointment I'm going to assume that you are on socialized medicine?  If so, that is a problem for a lot of people with OCD and other mental disorders as well.  So your next good bet really is your GP.  A lot of them have had to learn about depression, anxiety and OCD because they see it all the time and what are they going to do, send people away without help and say "go wait the four months it is going to take to see a psychiatrist."  

So here are some suggestions and this is coming from somebody who had to sit in an AIDS clinic on her lunch hour for weeks to get over my own HIV anxiety!  Don't give in no matter how much you want to.  Don't do the countdown.  Counter that fictional  thought with statements of fact "I CANNOT GET HIV FROM ANY SURFACE, THAT'S IT, MOVE ON!"  This is a form of self-coaching.  You can say these things in your head or write them down.  I know it sounds like work and it kind of is.  It too gets tiring after a while but it does help.  The reassurance seeking you know by now only lasts for a little while and then we are right back at it again.  

Here is a breathing technique that I use to help myself calm down.  Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  Continue to do this breathing until your heart rate has slowed back down.  The problem is a lot of times we are hyperventilating without even knowing we are doing it.  You need to bring yourself down from that "out of control" feeling.  You can do this breathing technique in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  Try it lying down first though with your hands on your stomach so that you can feel the rise and fall with each breath.

Keep up with your Wednesday CBT sessions.

Give your GP a call and go in and have a discussion about how you are feeling and that you really are at the end of your rope.  There are several medications they can give you.  The first thing I think you should have in the immediate term because it works immediately is a benzodiazepine such as Xanax or Klonopin.  I prefer Klonopin because it lasts longer in the system.  Takes longer to start acting than Xanax but lasts longer.  You need some immediate relief right now.  You can also do a bit of research on the anti-depressants out there used to treat OCD or HIV anxiety.  I'm not really sure which one you have at the moment.  There are a wide variety of them and yes they do all usually have some side effects.  I have tried Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa and Wellbutrin.  Prozac actually worked well for me but it made me gain weight and it lowered my sex drive.  I wanted the best of all worlds so I went in to my GP and said...not working for me let's try something else.  He said Wellbutrin had the least side affects and that it didn't affect a person's sex drive.  So that is what I take and it works well for me.  I take a dosage of 300 mg a day.  I also take 1 mg of klonopin at night so that I can sleep.  The meds usually take a good 4 to 6 weeks to really kick into gear and start working well so just keep that in mind. You have to tough it out a bit longer but with a benzo, you should at least get some relief.  

Lastly, there are a couple of books I recommend.  The first is The OCD Workbook:  YOur Guide to Breaking Free of OCD and the other is called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani.  

Good luck and let me know how it goes.  Also, check out my post "The Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" and you will see the thought process that you are stuck in.  

Take care.

[glenngould]

Thank you very much for your reply and insight. What's even worse is that i want to do a major in psychology and possibly graduate work. I am usually against meds because i didn't need them in the past. I was doing so well for a long period of time, anxiety and panic free. Both of my long term episodes with anxiety and OCD have been triggered by smoking marijuana which i do not do anymore.I am very seriously considering meds at this point. I am done having this constant worry and obsessions which are destroying my life.

It's so irrational and ridiculous, you are right. But this thought, and the constant temptation of reassurance seeking is debilitating. I had to get one of my exams deferred because i literally am not able to study or focus on things which require attention. My mind wants to do the " countdown" to test for hiv again over touching a surface in an STD clinic, after i had my finger pricked... is this not absolutely ridiculous?

Which meds are you taking? The problem i have is that the wait list for a psychiatrist here is a few months, which means i would have to see a GP about getting meds. And i am not sure they are educated enough to give me a proper prescription or dosage.
Thank you again for your reply