Hocd help

[Arae1212]

Reacently i have been dealing with what i hope is just hocd .i have developed this fear of being a lesbian or bi when i have always identified as straight i am an 18 year old female btw i have never been interested in dating lisiing or anything other than friendship with a female. I have always liked and had crushes on guys since i was little up to now but during puberty ages i was very h*rny during that time sorry to be gross and i started out with looking up how to masterbate then went from written porn to real porn i started with straight porn then went to lesbian porn and was aroused by it usually i waa more turned on with the oral part (i know gross) but when they kisses i was not aroused ussually i would skip that part and go straight to the oral part ,after i would be so descusted and it was only once in a while that i watched it then after a while i lost intrest in it and went to just masterbating porn then lost intrest in that and stopped porn altogether i have not watched nor had a desired to for about a year or two and once during puberty i was online a saw a girl doing a very sexual dance and got slightly aroused but did not feel the need to masterbate or anything like that i tried testing my self now woth the same video and was not at all aroused i was actually grossed out i would never do anything woth a girl nor do i want to now if I fantasize its always with a guy and if i think about a guy i find hot i get aroused i dont want to be lesbian or bi the thought causes me alot of distress and anxiety this is the first time i have asked what if i am gay and it has been hell ever since i wake up anxious and sweaty my heart pounds i cant think i dont feel like myself anymore and my past porn veiwing haunts me a i hate my self for it i would rather be alone forever then to be with a girl i want to be with boys but this is making me feel crazy am i gay in deniel i dont want to be gay or bi its the worst feeling i wnat to be with boys and just boys but this is scaring me so bad please help

[JGF25]

Ideally you should see a psychologist to learn cognitive behavioral therapy.  Can you do this?  

[Arae1212]

No i do not have insurance right now and dont know when i will i just cant get the porn thing out of my head i wish i could just forget about it i dont want to be lesbian or bisexual right now i am more afraid of being bi now and its even worse

[Arae1212]

Lately i have been at a stand still in my life dont have a job yet and am waiting to go to school when  a diff term starts so i spend alit of time alone . Iv always been a nervous kid and use to worry alot before this hocd thing i was very afraid to die someon posted a dooms day thing online and it made me really scared and for weeks i was scared to die in my sleep it caused me not to want to sleep so id stay up really late ,niw that has past. But this is far worse i dont feel like me anymore i just want to be boy crazy and happy again. I just keep thinking about it now if your not gay why did you watch it then? You know. Could it have also been my hormones since i only watched through my puberty ages .some days i wake up and feel gayer than other idk if that makes any sense but then i snap out of it and say no im straight. The moment i open my eyes in the mornig my heart is already racing and i have butterflies in my chest. Just wanna feel better normal...

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Here is my take on being gay....I think it is genetic.  I think people that are gay or bi are born that way.  My case in point is this....when you see a good looking guy, do you have to think about it or does your body just respond?  If it just responds, you are hardwired to be straight.  If girls do nothing for you and you have to sit there and say "I wonder what will happen if I look at her...will I get aroused" then you are not gay.  The body reacts naturally.  

As far as the porn goes....all porn is arousing.  If you were to watch straight porn you always have girls with girls...that is just the way it is.  If at the time the girl with girl part is on and you have an orgasm, that does not make you gay.  It is the content more so than the players a lot of times.  I think all porn is arousing honestly...I'm straight.  

Do you have any other thoughts that you just can't get rid of?  Also, are you under a lot of stress lately?