OCD - transgender

[Flower1999]

Hi I am a 15 year old girl and was wondering if anyone could give me some reassurance; I have been diagnosed with OCD and have been on medication for 3 weeks now, I understand that the tablets should take 4-6 weeks to work right? However I'm still questioning whether these tablets will stop these thoughts. I have been having cbt for a month or so now but it just doesn't seem to be working! Anyway to the point, i started experiencing ocd thoughts at the beginning of the year when I believed that I was a lesbian, I don't know how this thought came around but eventually I accepted it through the cbt treatment but then it immediately moved onto, do you want to be a boy? This thought is probably the worst thing I could Ever think of EVER and it just won't leave me alone:( every single day through most of the day I'm just thinking 'you should be a boy' it's unbearable. I am in a continuous argument with my mind and sometimes I feel like I have fully persuaded myself that it's true when deep down I know that it isn't. I'm depressed and I just feel like I don't know myself anymore. I was always happy being a girl and now all I can think is 'would I rather have a penis' ! Gross, where this idea would have before seemed messed up it now does not seem like the worst thing!! It is horrible.. The thought of me wanting to be a boy traumatises me although the actual thought of being a boy doesn't seem like the worst thing - maybe because I've persuaded myself this now, or because I hate myself being a girl at the moment because of this! I just don't know , I was fine before all of this completely happy but now I'm just SO scared that the thought is true:( and I really don't want it to be. I just want to be able to like myself again and not question every single thing around me. Every boy I see I think ' would it be better if I was him' and if I think that it would be okay to be that boy I completely freak out and feel hopeless and guilty inside . I question EVERYTHIG I do to see whether I prefer being a boy and I just so don't want it to be true:( I just need reassurance!!! Thankyou x

[123tushar07]

reassurances really don't work in ocd,because seeking reassurance will become a compulsion for your mind to your obsessions.  you are taking the best approach of cbt and medication. just keep on going, anyone wth ocd feels that his thoughts are worst, but it is because of ocd we feel it like that.

[Flower1999]

I had the EXACT same problem when I went trough the ocd thought of thinking I was a lesbian. I would sometimes get unwanted sensations at random thoughts towards a girl which only made me feel guilty and made it so much harder to get over. Now I am over that thought ( after cbt treatment and accepting that it doesn't matter if it's true or not) I get the same feeling sometimes if I think of having male parts which is so disgusting! And leaves me even more in doubt about whether the thought is true because I was so certain it wasn't and I don't understand how I could enjoy that thought! I sometimes feel like I have fully persuaded myself that the thoughts true and it's just not who I want to be :(

[15yearold]

I'm exactly like you. I am 15 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD in the beginning of 9th grade, or so people tell me. I constantly obsess over my thoughts and feelings, and it leaves me doubting my true self. In the beginning of ninth grade to now, I've been getting fears of being a lesbian or bisexual, and I get this when I judge woman or have intrusive sexual thoughts. I will judge and see if they are pretty, but I don't like them sexually. I will always think "Oh, that girl is really pretty or hot." These intrusive sexual thoughts are mostly kissing, sometimes even more. I am not aroused by women/ I just say they are pretty, but my mind takes it further than what it should. My OCD acts up, and I get thoughts like "Oh, I must be bisexual or a lesbian." I have ALWAYS fantasized about dating a guy or having sex with one. I have dated a guy, and I was content with the relationship. I don t want to be with a woman. I have a lot of female friends I want them to like me, but not in a sexual way. I automatically doubt myself. My OCD acts up and thoughts like "I must be gay because I want my female friends to like me." I get obsessed and think I want them to like me because they are female, which is not true. I say boys are cute or hot, but when i say they are, I automatically doubt myself. I can t really tell if I like them or think they are hot. I was always boy crazy. Whenever I saw images in my head of being in a gay relationship, I get grossed out. Now, my body doesn't reject the idea anymore, so I m really confused. Again, resulting in my OCD acting up. I purposely picture these intrusive homosexual thoughts to see if I get turned on. These thoughts cause me distress. I always go on a forum and explain my whole story multiple times to see if this is normal. I have done that more than 40 times already. I sometimes experience unwanted sensations in or near my sexual organs in unexpected situations. This happens after seeing an attractive person of the same gender, or while watching film or TV show with a gay character, and I worry I am getting sexually aroused or something or I find it appealing. I repeatedly worry about the possibility that I will suddenly and inexplicably ‘turn’ gay. Sometimes I reassure myself, but it always comes back. I worry that my childhood same-sex experimentation is proof that I am actually gay, or that it somehow made me gay. I am constantly worrying about that, and I feel bad. I fear the possibility that I am living a lie in terms of my sexual orientation. I fear that I am not sexually attracted to the opposite sex anymore. I prefer to avoid being around the same sex to ensure that I will not have unwanted thoughts about my sexual orientation or unwanted sensations in or near my sexual organs. I can't even watch movies with the same sex in it because I think I am gay, I have unwanted sensations near my organ, and I have unwanted sexual thoughts. I sometimes ‘test’ myself by looking at beautiful girls to see if I become sexually aroused.  I sometimes check myself either physically or mentally to see if I am sexually aroused in situations in which I don’t want to be aroused (i.e., after seeing an attractive person of the same gender). I pray a lot, and I repeatedly say the same prayers to get rid of my unwanted thoughts about my sexual orientations and that I will always be straight. I sometimes ask my close friends for reassurance about my sexual orientation. Whenever I say the same sex is pretty or hot, my mind takes it further, and my anxiety acts up. I worry that I will have uncomfortable thoughts about my sexual orientation forever, and that this obsession will ultimately ruin my life. I am afraid I will be rejected by everyone i love if I was bisexual or gay. I worry that if my sexual orientation is not as I think it should be, I will never again be able to romantically connect to another person because I would be miserable.  My obsessional thoughts about my sexual orientation are interfering with my relationships and with my academic functioning. I worry about this for hours. You're OCD will only get worse if you worry about it too much