I accidently watched lesbian porn, HOCD?

[garthgeorgina45]

As it says in the question that's what I did. I thought it was a man. HOCD is always in the back of my mind. I suspected it was a woman but was unsure, obv. this flared it all up, now I can't help but constantly re live the memory thinking "did it feel right while watching it?" I keep doubting myself! Help?

[garthgeorgina45]

I'm not sure that it's a real memory anymore. I know I switched it off at a certain point, there are gaps in my memory. It's really bothering me. There's a gap in my memory between the last thing I remember of the video to the point it felt 'right'. Is that possible?

[JGF25]

When I was at my worst I would go into a dark room and close my eyes and mentally pictured the scenarios that I was afraid would happen. What I realized is that the person I was afraid of becoming just wasn't me. If I pictured myself with another woman I realized it wasn't what I wanted. If I Pictured  myself harming people I love I realized I wasn't that person either. It went on and on. At some point you have to say enough.

[garthgeorgina45]

Even if it did feel right, does that matter? Does that make me a lesbian?

[JGF25]

You need to say NO to testing.  This is what is hurting you the most right now.  Nothing good is going to come from it as you have already discovered.

[garthgeorgina45]

I keep going back to the video trying to figure out if it really did feel right :(

[garthgeorgina45]

No I didn't. It was kind of to test myself yes.  I keep going back to the memory  and trying to relive it, to figure out if it really did feel right or if the HOCD was twisting it that way

[JGF25]

I think your use of the word "accidentally" means that you didn't gravitate to lesbian porn to begin with.   Why are you watching porn anyway?  Are you doing it for the enjoyment or to test yourself?  If it is to test your reaction to different situations, then you need to stop watching it.